What's the funniest "clean" joke you know?

[Brickowski]

Well, if redneck jokes are allowed...

Billy Bob and Earl were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Earl, "I'm tarred and needin' a va-cation. Only this year I'm gonna do it different. I ain't takin' yo advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Nawlins. I went to Nawlins and Peggy Sue got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to Talladega, and Peggy Sue got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Myrtle Beach and goldarnit if Peggy Sue didn't get pregnant again."

So Earl asks, "So, what's gonna be different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Peggy Sue with me."

[Mencius]

Two little old ladies were attending a rather long church service.

One leans over to the other and whispered, "My butt is going to sleep."

"I know," replied her companion, "I heard it snore three times."

[Redz]

Why do farts smell?



So the deaf can enjoy them too

[Edgar]

this is the "cleanest" joke i know ...lol

[hwangjini_1]

where do you find a dog with no legs?









right where you left it.

[celticmaestro]

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
























A carrot.

[bdm860]

Two olives are walking down the street. They get hit by a truck. One says to the other, “Are you ok?” The other replies "O’LIVE!"

[Mencius]

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at
the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men
sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table,
leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and
says:

'I went by your grandma's house today and
I saw her in the hallway buck naked.

Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.

His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker
and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says:
'I got it on with your grandma and she is good,
the best I ever had!'

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad
but the biker still says nothing..

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,

'I'll tell you something else, boy,
your grandma liked it!'

At this point the biker stands up,
takes the drunk by the shoulders
looks him square in the eyes and
says....................

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'Grandpa;........ Go home!

You're drunk.' . .

[cdif911]

what do you call a deer with no eyes?




no idea....



What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes?




still.... no idea

[Greenbean]

A man walks into a drugstore and asks the clerk "Where is the talcum powder?"

The clerk says "Walk this way!"

The customer replies "If I could walk that way I wouldn't need the talcum powder"


A blind man walks into a bar with a seeing eye dog.  He takes the dog by the leash and starts swinging it over his head. 

"What are you doing?!?" asks the bartender.

"Just looking around"

A woman walks into a bar carrying a little dog.  A drunk at the end of the bar looks up and asks "Where'd you get that pig?"

Incensed, she answers "That's not a pig.  Its a dog"

The drunk replies "Shut up.  I'm talking to the dog"

I am litterally dying laughing by myself reading those last two!

How about this one:

A man walks into a library in goes to the information desks and says, "Hello, I'll have a cheeseburger and an order of fries."

The librarian replies, "What are you doing sir this is a library?"

The man then replies, "Oh Im sorry (now whispering) Ill have a cheeseburger and an order of fries"

[csfansince60s]

A Lazy Laker fan lived on a farm with his sister and brother in-law. The LLf comes downstairs and asks his sister for breakfast. She tells him to go out and slap the pigs, milk the cow and gather the eggs. He goes to slap the pigs and they squirm away, so he kicks them. He goes to gather the eggs, but there are no eggs to gather (he doesn't look very hard) so he kicks the chickens. He can't get any milk from the cow, so he kicks her too.

He then goes in the house for breakfast and his sister gives him a dry bowl of cereal. What kind of breakfast is this he asks and his sister answers "you kicked the cow, so you get no milk, you kicked the pigs so you get no bacon and you kicked the chickens, so you get no eggs. At that moment the husband comes down the stairs, almost trips over the cat and kicks it. The LLf says to his sister "do you want to tell him or should I?"

[waiting for #17]

A seal walks into a bar and the bartender asks him what he'll have. The seal replies, "Anything except a Canadian Club."

[Redz]

A guy is  driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of  a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the  bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the  backyard.

The guy goes  into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting  there.

 
'You talk?'  he asks. 

 
'Yep,' the  Lab replies. 

 
 
    After the guy  recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your  story?' 

 
    The Lab looks  up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty  young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at  all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with  spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be  eavesdropping.' 
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight  years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I  wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.. I signed up for  a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near  suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible  dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies,  and now I'm just retired..' 

The guy is  amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the  dog. 

 
'Ten  dollars,' the guy says.

 
'Ten dollars?  This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so  cheap?' 

'Because he's  a liar. He never did any of that stuff'.   

[BASS_THUMPER]

i called a girl and she told me to come over nobody was home

i went to her house..nobody was home

[Edgar]

good ones rojos...and bass

 

A man bought the porshe of his dreams
enter the highway and decide to run the heck out of it
2 minutes later he have a police patron in his tail

he said to himself I can lose the police and race a little
but after 2 mins he realize the mistake and pull over

The police gets to his car and said...

" Its almost night, man i am late to my house and my wife is waiting for me
I am bored and tired, I dont want to do paper work, if you tell me an excuse i have never heard before you can go"


"Mr. officer, last week my wife runs away from me with a police officer, I thought you were thying to give her back to me"

Have a good night sir..bye bye