What's the funniest "clean" joke you know?

[CelticsWhat35]

A man is sitting on his couch one Sunday afternoon, trying to watch some football, when his wife starts nagging him to paint the porch.  She tells him as she leaves to go grocery shopping, "If that porch isn't painted by the time I get home, you're in big trouble.

The man is bummed out, because he really wanted to watch the game.  Just then, he gets a knock on the door.  It's a hot blonde girl looking to make some extra money, and asking if there's anything he needs done around the house.  Delighted by his stroke of luck, he asks her to paint his porch, and points her to the buckets of paint,  and she agrees.

The man goes back to his couch and watches the football game, smiling at how everything was working out for him.  About 20 minutes later, the girl knocks on the door again.  She says "All done".  The man, perplexed at how she could've finished a job that should've taken hours in 20 minutes, says "You're already done?".  The girl replied, "Yes, and I had so much paint left over, I decided to give it a second coat.  Oh, and by the way, it's not a porch, it's a Ferrari."

[FatKidsDad]

A State Trooper pulls over a car on the highway because it is going too slow and obstructing traffic.  He finds it is being driven by a little old lady, who says she is driving so slowly because the sign says the speed limit is 25.

"Oh, no ma'am, " he explains, "That sign is not the speed limit.  It says this is ROUTE 25"

"Oh, thank you, young man," says the lady.

Just then, the trooper notices the passenger, who is wide-eyed and drenched in sweat.

"What's wrong with her?" he asks.

"Oh, nothing.  We just came off of Route 110 back there." 
 

[kw10]

Ok, this just popped out of my mind during a conversation with a friend, so I've changed it a little:

When Antawn Jamison goes to Gilbert Arenas's house, Arenas, being the good host that he is, calls for tea to be served to them. The caretaker does so as he was asked to.
Antawn, spotting the man asks, "Who's he, your butler?"
Gilbert, "Caron? Yea."

Yea yea, I know that's lame....but it was hilarious when I first said it ( at least I think).
But seriously, if Gilbert ever has a butler, in true Arenas fashion, he'd call him Caron

[cdif911]

Skeleton walks into a bar, asks the bartender for a beer, and a mop

[hardlyyardley]

Credit this too Frank Leyden...former Gm of Utah

A guy is speeding down the highway when a state trooper pulls him over

The guy says "was I speeding"

The trooper replies..."no...your wife fell ou tof the car 5 miles back"

The guy replies "thank god!!!"

The trooper replies..."thank god?"

The guy replies..."ya, I thought I was going deaf"

 

[fairweatherfan]

A man is driving down the highway on his way home from work when his wife calls him on his cell phone.

"Hello?" he says.  "Oh thank God," she says, "My friend just called and said there's some maniac driving the wrong way down the highway you take home, and I was so worried about you!" 

The man replies, "ONE maniac??  There's hundreds of em!"

[SShorefan 3.0]

Three hunters went moose hunting and hired an airplane so that they could carry their hunted moose back home. But before they set off hunting, the driver of the plane informed them that they could only bring back 3 moose because otherwise it would weigh down the plane.

Not paying any attention, they went out and shot & killed 5 moose.  When the plane landed to pick them up a day later, the driver asked the questioned why there were 5 moose instead of 3. "I thought I told you this plane can only handle 3 moose!"

"That's ridiculous! Last year we were allowed to take 6 moose, surely your plane can handle 5?"

"Oh all right, I suppose I can make an exception just this once".  So the plane set off to a good start, and seemed as though it would make it over the tops of the tall trees but slowly the weight of the moose brought down the plane until eventually it clipped a tree and came hurtling to the ground at an astonishing speed.

Astonishingly, the driver and 3 hunters crawled away unscathed.

Observing the crash, one of the hunters proclaimed "Alright!  Would ya look at that, we made it about 50 feet further than last year!

[Kwhit10]

So a neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender "How much for a beer?"

Bartender replies, "for you...No charge."

[Truck Lewis]

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

It was dead

that reminded me of one:

what do you call a turtle without a shell?

dead

On a similar but more evil note,,,


Did you hear what Kermit the Frog said when Jim Henson died?




Nothing.....

[SShorefan 3.0]

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

It was dead

that reminded me of one:

what do you call a turtle without a shell?

dead

On a similar but more evil note,,,


Did you hear what Kermit the Frog said when Jim Henson died?




Nothing.....

Statler:  Boo, that was horrible!!
Waldorf:  Yeah, and it was really bad too!

Statler:  (under his breath) you know, the world was a better place when Jim was around
Waldorf:  Eh, what? Speak up you old coot!

[Brickowski]

That "Moby grape" joke has opened the floodgates. (Actually I heard it as "What's long, green and swims in the ocean? Moby pickle")

What's next, elephant jokes?

Ok, so here's the seminal elephant joke:

Why is an elephant gray?
To distinguish it from a blueberry.

What did Jane say when she saw the elephants coming?
"Here come the elephants!"

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming?
"Here come the blueberries!" (He was color blind.)

What has four legs and flies?
A dead horse

Why can't a locomotive sit down?
It has a tender behind

What's black, white and red all over?"

A newspaper, or

A wounded nun, or

A sunburned zebra

"Mommy mommy, why is daddy running so fast across that field?"
"Shut up and reload."

Mommy mommy, can we play with grandma today?"
"No, you've already dug her up three times this week."

Why did the blonde write "TGIF" on her shoes?
To remind herself that Toes Go In First

LOL, I've got more if you want them.

[SShorefan 3.0]

That "Moby grape" joke has opened the floodgates. (Actually I heard it as "What's long, green and swims in the ocean? Moby pickle")

What's next, elephant jokes?

Ok, so here's the seminal elephant joke:

Why is an elephant gray?
To distinguish it from a blueberry.

What did Jane say when she saw the elephants coming?
"Here come the elephants!"

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming?
"Here come the blueberries!" (He was color blind.)

What has four legs and flies?
A dead horse

Why can't a locomotive sit down?
It has a tender behind

What's black, white and red all over?"

A newspaper, or

A wounded nun, or

A sunburned zebra

"Mommy mommy, why is daddy running so fast across that field?"
"Shut up and reload."

Mommy mommy, can we play with grandma today?"
"No, you've already dug her up three times this week."

Why did the blonde write "TGIF" on her shoes?
To remind herself that Toes Go In First

LOL, I've got more if you want them.

I think Brick has morphed into Redz..........which ain't a bad thing (I have not checked with Mrs. Redz on this)

[Redz]

My 3 year  old's favorite:

What was the cow doing on the couch?

Watching a MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO0-vie

Then she breaks into a series of nonsensical chicken crossing the road type jokes, segueing into random phrases with poop or wee-wee or in it.  It's really a fine routine

[indeedproceed]

There is a story...its been posted on here before...its pg but no worse.

EDIT: I call this joke the "Garrison Keillor joke"

Its also highly mutable, so you can make it be really anything to suit your needs.

What you need is guy A (call him bob for now). Guy A just moved to place X and has no friends

Place X (Call it Alaska but could be anywhere. Just preferably remote, less populated, and culturally iconic..Minnesota, Maine, Canada (the whole country*), Scotland, whatever)

Guy B that is from place X. Usually his parts are said with a funny accent.

Guy A walks into the supermarket. He just moved to Place X and has had a really hard time making friends. Anyway, he's in the checkout line when he meets Guy B. They get to talking and it comes up that Guy A has just moved to Place X and is having a really hard time making friends and getting out to have some fun. Well guy B is a friendly guy, and he says to Guy A, "Well I just so happen to be having a party tonight and you're more than invited!"
Guy A is excited but he's not sure, so he asks Guy B: "Will there be any food at this party?"
Guy B answers: "Well heck yah there will be food! A great feast full of local specialties, Real place X-ian cooking!"
Guy A is a little more intrigued, but he needs to know more. "Will there be dancing at this party?"
Guy B answers heartily: "Well of course there will be dancing! Great fun exciting Place X dancing like you've never seen!"
Guy A is almost sold. "Will there be drinking?" he asks.
Guy B smiles and says "Drinking? Well you darn tootin there will be drinking! People from Place X drink harder and better than anyone else in the whole world!"
Guy A has one last question: "Well, will there be sex** at this party?"
Guy B quietly whispers "You bet there will be sex! Great Place X-ian sex like you've never even imagined! Wonderful sex!"
Guy A is sold so he asks one quick final question:"Sounds great! Will I need to dress up at all? Tie, anything?"
Guy B smirks: "Dress up? Why? It'll just be you and me."


Great party or car ride joke. Takes approximately 5 minutes to tell.
*HA-HA!
**you can substitute kissing for sex here if among sensitive company

[CelticsWhat35]

What's the best advice to give to a worm?

Sleep in late.