What's the funniest "clean" joke you know?

[Redz]

i dont like eating snails...

i like fast food

What did the snail say when it was riding on the turtle's back?

Yeeeeeeeeeee hawwwwwwwwwwwww

[Hemingway]

2 fish are in a tank. One fish says to the other, "hey how do you drive thing thing?"

[Hemingway]

What's the number one cause of pedophilia?

Sexy children

[notbillsimmons]

I told this girl to text me when she got home..

I think she's homeless.

[SHAQATTACK]

the LA Clippers.

LA Lakers

[Csfan1984]

I'm looking at it.....

[GC003332]

Which NBA player possessed the best back to basket game?






Shawn Kemp as he walked away from all those Maternity Hospitals.

[hwangjini_1]

where do you find a dog with no legs?











right where you left it. 

[SHAQATTACK]

where do you find a dog with no legs?


LOL ...

Old lady busted her gut








right where you left it. 

[mef730]

I overheard this one at work the other day, set yourself back to the 60's/70's;

A man walks into a Pub and sits down at the bar. He notices that in the middle of the bar there is a big bowl of dollar coins, so he asks the bartender "what's the deal with the coins?".
The bartender replies, "For a dollar, if you can guess how many coins there are in this bowl they're yours."

So the man, confidently pulls out a dollar coin and says "there are 288 dollar coins in this bowl", he then drops his coin into the bowl; "Now there are 289."

The bartender amazed but dissapointedly replies "That's correct.... I spose the coins are yours." The man is so happy with his achievment, he decides to make a night of it.

Many beers later, the man decides he should leave for home. So he takes the bowl of coins, thanks the barman and is on his way.

Tipsy, the man walks home and arrives at the front porch of his house. As he is making his way up the porch stairs, he trips and the coins go everywhere over the porch. Too tired to pick all these coins up, he decides he'll leave them there and deal with them the next day. He then stumbles into bed and falls asleep.

The next morning, the man's wife runs into the bedroom and shout's to the man, still half asleep "Quickly! there's something on the porch!!"
The Man replies "Yeh, Yeh. I know; 299 dollar coins"
The Wife replies "No, there's about 600 bottles of milk!"
 

Okay, I'm an idiot, but I still don't get this one.

Mike

[Emmette Bryant]

I overheard this one at work the other day, set yourself back to the 60's/70's;

A man walks into a Pub and sits down at the bar. He notices that in the middle of the bar there is a big bowl of dollar coins, so he asks the bartender "what's the deal with the coins?".
The bartender replies, "For a dollar, if you can guess how many coins there are in this bowl they're yours."

So the man, confidently pulls out a dollar coin and says "there are 288 dollar coins in this bowl", he then drops his coin into the bowl; "Now there are 289."

The bartender amazed but dissapointedly replies "That's correct.... I spose the coins are yours." The man is so happy with his achievment, he decides to make a night of it.

Many beers later, the man decides he should leave for home. So he takes the bowl of coins, thanks the barman and is on his way.

Tipsy, the man walks home and arrives at the front porch of his house. As he is making his way up the porch stairs, he trips and the coins go everywhere over the porch. Too tired to pick all these coins up, he decides he'll leave them there and deal with them the next day. He then stumbles into bed and falls asleep.

The next morning, the man's wife runs into the bedroom and shout's to the man, still half asleep "Quickly! there's something on the porch!!"
The Man replies "Yeh, Yeh. I know; 299 dollar coins"
The Wife replies "No, there's about 600 bottles of milk!"
 

Okay, I'm an idiot, but I still don't get this one.

Mike

Dude.  You'e not an idiot.  You've just never seen a milkman.

The milkman came, saw the money, and figured the money was left out for him to buy milk.

Do they even have milkmen anymore?  I remember them from the 50's and 60's but the last time a saw one, Tommy Heinsohn was our starting forward.

[Emmette Bryant]

I just answered my own question.

http://www.npr.org/2014/06/15/322147940/the-milkmans-comeback-means-dairy-at-the-door-and-more

[fairweatherfan]

I overheard this one at work the other day, set yourself back to the 60's/70's;

A man walks into a Pub and sits down at the bar. He notices that in the middle of the bar there is a big bowl of dollar coins, so he asks the bartender "what's the deal with the coins?".
The bartender replies, "For a dollar, if you can guess how many coins there are in this bowl they're yours."

So the man, confidently pulls out a dollar coin and says "there are 288 dollar coins in this bowl", he then drops his coin into the bowl; "Now there are 289."

The bartender amazed but dissapointedly replies "That's correct.... I spose the coins are yours." The man is so happy with his achievment, he decides to make a night of it.

Many beers later, the man decides he should leave for home. So he takes the bowl of coins, thanks the barman and is on his way.

Tipsy, the man walks home and arrives at the front porch of his house. As he is making his way up the porch stairs, he trips and the coins go everywhere over the porch. Too tired to pick all these coins up, he decides he'll leave them there and deal with them the next day. He then stumbles into bed and falls asleep.

The next morning, the man's wife runs into the bedroom and shout's to the man, still half asleep "Quickly! there's something on the porch!!"
The Man replies "Yeh, Yeh. I know; 299 dollar coins"
The Wife replies "No, there's about 600 bottles of milk!"
 

Okay, I'm an idiot, but I still don't get this one.

Mike

Dude.  You'e not an idiot.  You've just never seen a milkman.

The milkman came, saw the money, and figured the money was left out for him to buy milk.

Do they even have milkmen anymore?  I remember them from the 50's and 60's but the last time a saw one, Tommy Heinsohn was our starting forward.

Ok, but where did the 10 extra coins come from then?

[D.o.s.]

From his deciding to make a night of it...or because typos.

Anyway:
Two muffins are sitting next to each other in an oven. The one muffin turns to the other and says, "hey, it's getting kind of hot in here." The other muffin says "holy crap it's a talking muffin!"

[hwangjini_1]

From his deciding to make a night of it...or because typos.

Anyway:
Two muffins are sitting next to each other in an oven. The one muffin turns to the other and says, "hey, it's getting kind of hot in here." The other muffin says "holy crap it's a talking muffin!"

sorry d.O.S. but you come in second on this one by a few years...see the opening page of this thread:

Two pieces of bacon are sizzling on a frying pan.  One turns to the other and says, "sure is hot in here!" - the other goes, "holy crap, a talking piece of bacon!"