What's the funniest "clean" joke you know?

[wvcelticsfan]

Job Opening at the FBI

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. "Kill Her!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions.  He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions. She was to kill her husband.  She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door  opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks",  she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

[wvcelticsfan]

sorry. I posted my joke before I read all 10 pages and saw almost the same joke. How about these two:

FOR THE LADIES

A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never stand her up and never
let her down.

 He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad
day.
He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live
without fear and forget regret.
He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires.
He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and
will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and  invincible.

No, wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine.

Never mind.




or this one (it actually came from a book called The Lion's Game by Nelson DeMille, just so I don't get accused of plagiarism.

The Attorney General wants to find out who's the best law enforcement agency - the FBI, the CIA, or the NYPD.  So she calls a group from each organization to meet her outside D.C., and she lets a rabbit loose in the woods, and she says to the FBI guys, “Okay, go find the rabbit.”  The FBI guys go in and two hours later, they come out without the rabbit, but of course call a big press conference and they say, “We lab-tested every twig and leaf in the woods, we questioned two hundred witnesses, and we have concluded that the rabbit broke no federal laws, and we let him go.”  The Attorney General says, “BullEdited.  Profanity and masked profanity are against forum rules and may result in discipline..  You never found the rabbit.”  So then the CIA guys go in and an hour later, they also come out without the rabbit, but they say, “The FBI was wrong.  We found the rabbit, and he confessed to a conspiracy.  We debriefed the rabbit, and we turned the rabbit around, and he is now a double agent working for us.”  The Attorney General says, “BullEdited.  Profanity and masked profanity are against forum rules and may result in discipline..  You never found the rabbit.”   So then the NYPD guys go in and fifteen minutes later, this bear comes stumbling out of the woods, and the bear has taken a really bad beating, and the bear throws his arms up and yells out, “All right!  I'm a rabbit!  I'm a rabbit!”

[D.o.s.]

From his deciding to make a night of it...or because typos.

Anyway:
Two muffins are sitting next to each other in an oven. The one muffin turns to the other and says, "hey, it's getting kind of hot in here." The other muffin says "holy crap it's a talking muffin!"

sorry d.O.S. but you come in second on this one by a few years...see the opening page of this thread:

Two pieces of bacon are sizzling on a frying pan.  One turns to the other and says, "sure is hot in here!" - the other goes, "holy crap, a talking piece of bacon!"

Muffins are funnier than bacon?

That's... all I got.

[BASS_THUMPER]

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

[BASS_THUMPER]

I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in the library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.

My wife made me join her bridge club ... I jump next Tuesday.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.


Love Rodney  Dangerfield....lol...

[Celtics17]

The weather got really cold around here last winter, down to minus 10 for several nights. I called my old friend in Michigan to tell him how bad the weather was there and he said " You think the weather is bad there? It's been snowing for 15 days in a row here and all my wife does look through the window. You know if it doesnt quit snowing I'm going to have to let her in" 

You have to pause a little after saying she is looking through the window and dont say she's looking out the window. Also, if you tell this to ladies simply reverse the roles the they laugh harder then the guys do. You also have to tell it like you are being serious and just talking about the weather.

[LatterDayCelticsfan]

Where does a gorilla take a nap?


Wherever it wants.

[Redz]

2 flies are sitting on a piece of poop eating their lunch.  One lifts up a hind leg and lets out a monumental fart.  Second fly says, "HEY! Do you mind?  I'm trying to eat here!"

[AngryAndIrritable]

How do you make a duck sing funk and soul?


Clamp its mouth closed until it(')s Bill Withers.

[Moranis]

Probably not the funniest clean joke I know, but my wife absolutely loves this one.


Q - What did the fish say when it hit the wall?

A - d a m n


another favorite of my wife

Q - What do you call a massage therapist that hates women?

A - A Misogynist

[fairweatherfan]

Two flies are sitting on a piece of poop.  One lifts up his leg and cranks out a gigantic fart.  The other looks at him angrily and says, "HEY!  Do you mind?  I'm trying to eat my lunch here."

2 flies are sitting on a piece of poop eating their lunch.  One lifts up a hind leg and lets out a monumental fart.  Second fly says, "HEY! Do you mind?  I'm trying to eat here!"

Whoa...deja vu.

[littleteapot]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9BMWYsrMGDI

[FatKidsDad]

For those out there old enough to remember:

What's black and white and has 3 eyes?







Sammy Davis Jr. and his wife

[fairweatherfan]

A photon checks into a hotel.  The attendant asks, "do you have any bags you need help with?".  The photon replies, "no thanks, I'm travelling light."

[pearljammer10]

Ask me if I'm a turtle.