How Do I Handle This Situation?

[Roy H.]

Read up on borderline personality disorder.  I knew someone who went through something similar and reading about this seemed to help him a whole lot.

God bless you my man.......

I dated a girl with BPD on and off for six years.  I relocated for her, and went as far as getting engaged.  As good as I am giving advice (), I sucked at listening to others.

I agree.  Women with BPD are bad, bad news.  I wouldn't go so far as to diagnose KPC's girl with that over the internet, but there is definitely a difference between playing-games-because-she-wants-to-be-pursued, and playing-games-because-she's-bat-nuts-insane.

[LarBrd33]

Before I even read the post I saw a subject that said, "How do I handle this situation" on the Celtics forum and my immediate reaction without any context whatsoever was, "Dump her".

I'm gonna stick with it.  I didn't even know if it had anything to do with a woman... but smart money was on it being about a woman... and if your woman is driving you so nutty you feel compelled to seek advice on a Celtics forum, you're best bet is to move on.

FYI, I did actually skim the first paragraph.  If the rest of the post was about how she was terminally ill with Cancer, please forgive me for being so cold. 

[Kane3387]

If you're not having fun anymore, and you don't want to commit, then it's time to move on.

[StartOrien]

Pretend your best friend is in the exact same situation as you.  You have all the information about his situation that you do about your own, it's just happening to someone else that you care about.  What advice would you give him?  If it starts with "Run" and ends with "like hell", you should take that advice.  Got me out of a few bad relationships in the past.

That's pretty fantastic advice

[celticmaestro]

My roommate in college went through something similar.  His coping mechanism?  He treated her like dirt and slept with most of her friends.  It seemed to work out okay for him.

It sounds like this girl likes drama and enjoys stringing you along.  My guess is that she gets off on the power of making you jealous, calling other guys in front of you, etc.  She doesn't really seem to respect you much, and if she's blatantly lying to you, I think you have to ask yourself what you're doing?

My blunt advice:  have some respect for yourself and walk away.  Women who lie, insult and manipulate are no good, no matter how much you get along when you're chilling.  If you can't keep the relationship strictly physical -- and it doesn't sound like you can -- then bow out gracefully, because this isn't going to end well.

The only thing I would add to this is to definitely have one more roll in the hay. Then get up and bounce.

[SHAQATTACK]

from someone who has been married 25 years and ONLY ONCE ..... there are alot of things to look at before comitting to someone.  You weight their GOOD points and the BAD points as you date. But there is one point That is make or brake if you really want the marriage to last.  HONESTY of the HEART/Soul   

The ONE THING you want in a spouse is true HONESTY of the HEART or LOVING YOU and ONLY you ,  after a while of being married I realized that IS the one thing That is most important and it takes along time to LEARN this.   Looks , intelligence, mannors, working hard , smart, personality are all important. ..but for the marriage to last  you got to "BE TRUE".... she/he can be a theif of money , but not be a CHEATER of the HEART. 

 

If the person is TURE and HONEST of the Heart , then the rest other shortcommings can be dealt with in time.

Another lesson , hard one I've learned is this .... the apple don't fall far the tree.

Look at the parents.... if they are cheaters and been married a dozen times and flakey , good chance the kids will be the same.

Lastly DON't marry somebody who REALLY don't love you . You may be crazy over them, but if the same isn't true in return ...its not going to work. Somebody is marrying somebody for the wrong reason.

 

[LarBrd33]

My roommate in college went through something similar.  His coping mechanism?  He treated her like dirt and slept with most of her friends.  It seemed to work out okay for him.

It sounds like this girl likes drama and enjoys stringing you along.  My guess is that she gets off on the power of making you jealous, calling other guys in front of you, etc.  She doesn't really seem to respect you much, and if she's blatantly lying to you, I think you have to ask yourself what you're doing?

My blunt advice:  have some respect for yourself and walk away.  Women who lie, insult and manipulate are no good, no matter how much you get along when you're chilling.  If you can't keep the relationship strictly physical -- and it doesn't sound like you can -- then bow out gracefully, because this isn't going to end well.

The only thing I would add to this is to definitely have one more roll in the hay. Then get up and bounce.

Just to piggyback off this... Definitely break out the camera/camcorder If she's up for it.  You'll thank me later. Trust me on this.

-LarBrd33 out

[KungPoweChicken]

Oh man. Lots of good advice on here. We actually talked earlier. I told her straight up what I thought. I wasn't into playing games. Then, she kept probing me, and we got into the same argument we did the night before! It wasn't exactly how I wanted things to go, but sometimes it's hard to script these things.

Anyway, while she lies and is secretive, she can really be nice sometimes, which is why it makes it so hard. We sort of "resolved" some of our issues (my issues), and hope to get together fairly soon.

I can't imagine how long this will last though. It's hard to teach an old dog new tricks. And I know she will be up to her old games soon enough. But what I really want is a level of respect when she is around me. I think she will give me that. We'll see. I clearly told her the compromises she needed to make if she wanted to see me, and she agreed.

The only problem is, come next week and the week after that, there will inevitable be more secrets and more obstacles. I'm hoping I can lose my attachment to her over time and just enjoy the benefits part.

[Change]

Oh man. Lots of good advice on here. We actually talked earlier. I told her straight up what I thought. I wasn't into playing games. Then, she kept probing me, and we got into the same argument we did the night before! It wasn't exactly how I wanted things to go, but sometimes it's hard to script these things.

Anyway, while she lies and is secretive, she can really be nice sometimes, which is why it makes it so hard. We sort of "resolved" some of our issues (my issues), and hope to get together fairly soon.

I can't imagine how long this will last though. It's hard to teach an old dog new tricks. And I know she will be up to her old games soon enough. But what I really want is a level of respect when she is around me. I think she will give me that. We'll see. I clearly told her the compromises she needed to make if she wanted to see me, and she agreed.

The only problem is, come next week and the week after that, there will inevitable be more secrets and more obstacles. I'm hoping I can lose my attachment to her over time and just enjoy the benefits part.

I'm glad to see you worked things out. Best of luck man.

[slamtheking]

How do I handle this situation? We are friends. We also have benefits. We are friends with benefits. But things aren’t as good as they seem. She gets more secretive every day. She lies more every day. We recently got into an argument and now we’re ignoring each other. I don’t know how it all started. I don’t want to lose her. But who wants to play these games?

I guess it all started when I wanted to stay the night. It wasn’t necessarily out of attachment. When it’s late, you live far away, and you’ve had a few drinks in you, sometimes you just want to stay the night. She wouldn’t let me. Fine. Whatever. But then I found out she lets some other guy, who she swears by is just a friend, stay the night in the “guest room.”

Speaking of that guy, she never told me about him until I pressed her. She wasn’t quick enough to think of a lie and she spilled the beans. It’s not even the matter of who gets to stay and who doesn’t. It’s the lying, the secrecy, and the deceit. How ‘bout a little honesty?

Sometimes she blatantly talks to other guys on her phone in front of me. And I think, “I just can’t take part in this.” She’s not a young girl. She’s supposed to be a professional with a career. Other times she will withhold information from me until the last minute. Not terribly big things. But enough to bother you. I haven’t even mentioned how hypocritical she can be. She seems to hold me to a higher standard, puts me down, and then hangs out with schlubs in her down time.

One you get past all that stuff, we can have some fun together. We talk all the time. We seem to have a lot in common in terms of temperament. And we are really comfortable around each other. But sometimes she makes me sick with jealousy.  Other times I think to myself, “Why am I even bothering with this?” If we have fun together, why does she purposely, as it clearly seems to me, try and upset me?

What’s the best way to handle a situation like this?

just my 2 cents so take it for what it's worth

Sounds like you're a lot more invested in her than she is in you-->she might still see you as a friend with a benefit but you sound a lot like someone looking for a regular relationship.   You seem to be worried about stuff that you probably wouldn't be if you really saw her as a 'benefit' friend too.

[KCattheStripe]

First off you probably should not try relationships that really only work in the movies.

Friends with Benefits is just a fancy dancy way of saying you really do not like the person you sleep with, bc if you did, you would be more than just friends who sleep together.

False. Not saying that the OP should stay with this woman, she sounds more than a little manipulative, but if you lay your expectations out at the start of a "FWB" relationship, it can work out well.

[Hardcore Fan]

Hate to have to be one to state the obvious, but, they made a movie about this. It was called, "she's just not that into you", and she's not. She also lacks self esteem, and has Daddy "issues", which make her easily manipulated if you like, (the worse you treat her, the more she will want you) but, I say take the high road and leave skid marks. As was said earlier, this doesn't end well!

Oh! But our friendship!

Get over it. It doesn't exist. If it ever did, that ship sailed when you slept with her!

Sorry for the bluntness but it is the correct advice. By having "the talk" you only weakened your hand.

[Quetzalcoatl]

Oh second piece of advice, you better be using prophylactics. The last things you want to deal with right now are long term in nature

[indeedproceed]

In my experience, FWB has only one conclusion: one person wants more than the other can or will give, and it falls apart, and often losing the F part as well as the WB. It can become more, but often it just leaves animosity and resentment.

[Eja117]

The cure for everything here is just so obvious. Find a really hot woman who cooks really well, works hard, and wants what you want and marry her.

That's the cure for life.