How Do I Handle This Situation?

[KungPoweChicken]

How do I handle this situation? We are friends. We also have benefits. We are friends with benefits. But things aren’t as good as they seem. She gets more secretive every day. She lies more every day. We recently got into an argument and now we’re ignoring each other. I don’t know how it all started. I don’t want to lose her. But who wants to play these games?

I guess it all started when I wanted to stay the night. It wasn’t necessarily out of attachment. When it’s late, you live far away, and you’ve had a few drinks in you, sometimes you just want to stay the night. She wouldn’t let me. Fine. Whatever. But then I found out she lets some other guy, who she swears by is just a friend, stay the night in the “guest room.”

Speaking of that guy, she never told me about him until I pressed her. She wasn’t quick enough to think of a lie and she spilled the beans. It’s not even the matter of who gets to stay and who doesn’t. It’s the lying, the secrecy, and the deceit. How ‘bout a little honesty?

Sometimes she blatantly talks to other guys on her phone in front of me. And I think, “I just can’t take part in this.” She’s not a young girl. She’s supposed to be a professional with a career. Other times she will withhold information from me until the last minute. Not terribly big things. But enough to bother you. I haven’t even mentioned how hypocritical she can be. She seems to hold me to a higher standard, puts me down, and then hangs out with schlubs in her down time.

One you get past all that stuff, we can have some fun together. We talk all the time. We seem to have a lot in common in terms of temperament. And we are really comfortable around each other. But sometimes she makes me sick with jealousy.  Other times I think to myself, “Why am I even bothering with this?” If we have fun together, why does she purposely, as it clearly seems to me, try and upset me?

What’s the best way to handle a situation like this?

[indeedproceed]

Tell her you want more or nothing, walk away. Don't talk, text, call, or 'meet up'. Don't try to be friends.

If she can be persuaded to give 'more' a try, that's how it'll happen. If she can't and lets you walk, you get some resolution instead of being messed around while she makes up her mind or finds someone she thinks is better for her.

[esel1000]

I guess it depends on whether or not you want to be more than "friends with benefits." What shes doing would be complete bs in a committed relationship, but in a "no strings attached" situation she hasn't really done anything wrong as she has no commitment to you. If you want more than that, tell her how you feel. That's how I see this anyway

[Rondo2287]

I guess it depends on whether or not you want to be more than "friends with benefits." What shes doing would be complete bs in a committed relationship, but in a "no strings attached" situation she hasn't really done anything wrong as she has no commitment to you. If you want more than that, tell her how you feel. That's how I see this anyway

This is pretty much what I was going to say as well, but personally the way she is acting she doesnt even sound like your friend, just benefits. 

[Roy H.]

My roommate in college went through something similar.  His coping mechanism?  He treated her like dirt and slept with most of her friends.  It seemed to work out okay for him.

It sounds like this girl likes drama and enjoys stringing you along.  My guess is that she gets off on the power of making you jealous, calling other guys in front of you, etc.  She doesn't really seem to respect you much, and if she's blatantly lying to you, I think you have to ask yourself what you're doing?

My blunt advice:  have some respect for yourself and walk away.  Women who lie, insult and manipulate are no good, no matter how much you get along when you're chilling.  If you can't keep the relationship strictly physical -- and it doesn't sound like you can -- then bow out gracefully, because this isn't going to end well.

[indeedproceed]

If you can't keep the relationship strictly physical -- and it doesn't sound like you can -- then bow out gracefully, because this isn't going to end well.

Yep.

[bbd24]

It sounds to me like you want more of a commitment on her side of the ball. So if that's true, tell her how you feel and see how she responds. If you don't feel like that,  move on now, period.  The 'benefits' your receiving now isn't worth it in the long run. It's not worth the headache.

[Change]

It sounds to me like you want more of a commitment on her side of the ball. So if that's true, tell her how you feel and see how she responds. If you don't feel like that,  move on now, period.  The 'benefits' your receiving now isn't worth it in the long run. It's not worth the headache.

I would go with this. Talk to her first tell her how you feel, and then decide where you want to go with this friendship/relationship. Be prepared for anything even for a broken-heart.

[Quetzalcoatl]

It sucks to have to start the talk, but even if it goes bad you'll feel better in a couple days. I would even just call her and say come over, we need to talk. It sucks but whatever, such is life.   Best advice I can give you is talk to the girl, see if you can work it out and if you can't, try to find another girl ASAP.  You'll be fine though, just don't drink by yourself anytime soon.  Don't be a jerk to the girl if you can help it no matter what happens, you will regret it later.

[Roy H.]

For the "tell her how you feel" folks:

Does it matter that she's blatantly and repeatedly lying, belittling, and manipulating him?

From my perspective, it doesn't matter if she says "Great!  I'd love to be in a relationship with you!"  If she's a manipulative, mean-spirited liar, I wouldn't want her in my life, regardless.  People like that don't change.  They might hide their true colors for awhile, but eventually their bitter soul shines through.

I say quit wasting time with this girl, and commit to finding somebody who treats you better.

[BballTim]

It sounds like this girl likes drama and enjoys stringing you along.  My guess is that she gets off on the power of making you jealous, calling other guys in front of you, etc.  She doesn't really seem to respect you much, and if she's blatantly lying to you, I think you have to ask yourself what you're doing?

My blunt advice:  have some respect for yourself and walk away.  Women who lie, insult and manipulate are no good, no matter how much you get along when you're chilling.

  I'd agree with this. I don't think that getting more attached to a person like this is in your best interest in the long run.

[arambone]

Yeah, more of the same means more of a self-esteem beating, which she'd be more than happy to give you.

You might look back and wish you could take more of it, just for the benefits, but that's easier said than done and not worth it anyway.

Once a girl manipulates a guy and gets away with it, they tend to lose respect, pretty much forever.

That's not on you, so don't worry about it and keep your head high. It was a good situation for a bit, but that's all it ever could have been.

Maybe you'll still be able to hit it a few times some time in the future, but don't do it if it will put you at risk for more hurt or jealousy.

Just act indifferent, and get on with your life.

[arambone]

Yeah, take Roy's advice and don't give her the satisfaction of pouring your heart out, or even expressing any more frustration/jealousy.

Anger is more flattering than indifference. Don't flatter her any more, and consider it a small victory.

[angryguy77]

Usually its the woman who gets attached in these types of situations. That should tell you to run and run fast, this woman will screw with your head the more you let her.

Now if you want to have some fun before you really end this, tell her you're bored with her and you're cutting it off to find another FWB(not in those exact words of course). I guarantee you become her first priority. I don't usually advocate for head games, but I think in this instance it's called for.

[StartOrien]

For the "tell her how you feel" folks:

Does it matter that she's blatantly and repeatedly lying, belittling, and manipulating him?

From my perspective, it doesn't matter if she says "Great!  I'd love to be in a relationship with you!"  If she's a manipulative, mean-spirited liar, I wouldn't want her in my life, regardless.  People like that don't change.  They might hide their true colors for awhile, but eventually their bitter soul shines through.

I say quit wasting time with this girl, and commit to finding somebody who treats you better.

Hobbs'd

edit: to be clear, cuz I get that it's a sensitive subject I don't mean to make light of things, it's just that Roy's dead on w/ that.