Open letter to Sheed

[Eeyore III]

Dear Sheed,

I know that Danny and the fellas have visited you, and done their best to explain why you should join the Cs.  But as a lifelong Celtics fan, I wanted to give you the real lowdown: my Top 10 Reasons why you should pick the Celtics over the Spurs.

10.     Perhaps the nation’s finest residential psychiatric clinic, the McLean Hospital, is located not far from the Celtics’ practice facility.  I’m just sayin’.

9.       San Antonio is economically dependent on the military, and is culturally authoritarian; Boston is economically dependent on academe, and is culturally corrupt.  Can’t we agree on which represents the lesser of the available evils?  For a person with over 25 tatoos?

8.       Boston is at least quasi-cosmopolitan; San Antonio is bleakly provincial.  Boston offers the Red Sox, the Patsies, after-hours concerts by top groups like Made Men … the list goes on and on.  The kind of cultural offerings available in San Antonio, on the other hand, were documented in the movie Blazing Saddles. 

7.       Haven’t you always secretly wanted to live in a place with weather so bad, a road system so decrepit, and drivers so insane, that you’d actually need to drive a Hummer with tinted bulletproof glass, just to survive?

6.       You know how sometimes a woman can seem to look really, really good, when in reality she just happens to be surrounded by a bunch of Plain Janes?  Well, come to Boston and you’ll have the opportunity on a regular basis to sit on the bench between Brian Scalabrine and Robert Swift.  Think about it.  (I realize there’s a slightly uncomfortable sexual element in this image, but frankly, ever since Bill Simmons put in black and white that he thinks Ricky Rubio is cute, I’m just not sure where to draw the line anymore.)

5.       Let’s be serious for a minute.  In San Antonio you’d be the starting Center; in Boston you’d be the backup Center.  In San Antonio, therefore, you’d be following in Tim Duncan’s footsteps.  In Boston, you’d be following in Mikki Moore’s footsteps.  Ask yourself: In which situation are you really set up to look good?  In which city are the fans more likely to give you the love?

4.       In San Antonio, you will bear the nightly starting-Center beatings that the franchise is trying to spare its icon Tim Duncan.  In Boston, Perk takes (and administers!) the nightly starting-Center beatings. 

3.   In San Antonio, you’ll be matching wits with Greg Popovich whenever you try to put things on cruise-control and goof off.  In Boston, you’ll be matching wits with Doc.

2.       In San Antonio, you will be blamed if things go wrong.  In Boston, Ray Allen will be blamed if things go wrong.  (Some habits die hard.)

1.     The seafood is a lot fresher in Boston.

And besides, Richard Jefferson has wicked B.O., Tim Duncan has halitosis, Manu suffers from excessive flatulence, Pop has ring around the collar, and Tony Parker has the same first name as Tony Allen.  Isn’t Boston the clear choice?

Here’s hoping you decide to join our team, Sheed.

Yours Truly,

Eeyore III   

[Bankshot]

Haha, love it!  Co-sign.

[Birdbrain]

Love it thanks. 

#6 Bill Simmon's is shill for ESPN.  Rubio is neither cute or talented.

#9 is so choice.

[FLCeltsFan]

Love it!!  Too funny.  my favorite is #5.

TP for the smiles.

[Bertil]

Mine is #4.

Perk is Optimus Prime in steely GREEN garb!

Great work, BTW.

[TheLegendaryClub]

TP. That was great!

[Drucci]

TP for a great top 10 reasons list!

#2 was the best in my opinion. "2. In San Antonio, you will be blamed if things go wrong.  In Boston, Ray Allen will be blamed if things go wrong.  (Some habits die hard.)" So true!

[Prof. Clutch]

Dear Sheed,

I know that Danny and the fellas have visited you, and done their best to explain why you should join the Cs.  But as a lifelong Celtics fan, I wanted to give you the real lowdown: my Top 10 Reasons why you should pick the Celtics over the Spurs.

10.     Perhaps the nation’s finest residential psychiatric clinic, the McLean Hospital, is located not far from the Celtics’ practice facility.  I’m just sayin’.

9.       San Antonio is economically dependent on the military, and is culturally authoritarian; Boston is economically dependent on academe, and is culturally corrupt.  Can’t we agree on which represents the lesser of the available evils?  For a person with over 25 tatoos?

8.       Boston is at least quasi-cosmopolitan; San Antonio is bleakly provincial.  Boston offers the Red Sox, the Patsies, after-hours concerts by top groups like Made Men … the list goes on and on.  The kind of cultural offerings available in San Antonio, on the other hand, were documented in the movie Blazing Saddles. 

7.       Haven’t you always secretly wanted to live in a place with weather so bad, a road system so decrepit, and drivers so insane, that you’d actually need to drive a Hummer with tinted bulletproof glass, just to survive?

6.       You know how sometimes a woman can seem to look really, really good, when in reality she just happens to be surrounded by a bunch of Plain Janes?  Well, come to Boston and you’ll have the opportunity on a regular basis to sit on the bench between Brian Scalabrine and Robert Swift.  Think about it.  (I realize there’s a slightly uncomfortable sexual element in this image, but frankly, ever since Bill Simmons put in black and white that he thinks Ricky Rubio is cute, I’m just not sure where to draw the line anymore.)

5.       Let’s be serious for a minute.  In San Antonio you’d be the starting Center; in Boston you’d be the backup Center.  In San Antonio, therefore, you’d be following in Tim Duncan’s footsteps.  In Boston, you’d be following in Mikki Moore’s footsteps.  Ask yourself: In which situation are you really set up to look good?  In which city are the fans more likely to give you the love?

4.       In San Antonio, you will bear the nightly starting-Center beatings that the franchise is trying to spare its icon Tim Duncan.  In Boston, Perk takes (and administers!) the nightly starting-Center beatings. 

3.   In San Antonio, you’ll be matching wits with Greg Popovich whenever you try to put things on cruise-control and goof off.  In Boston, you’ll be matching wits with Doc.

2.       In San Antonio, you will be blamed if things go wrong.  In Boston, Ray Allen will be blamed if things go wrong.  (Some habits die hard.)

1.     The seafood is a lot fresher in Boston.

And besides, Richard Jefferson has wicked B.O., Tim Duncan has halitosis, Manu suffers from excessive flatulence, Pop has ring around the collar, and Tony Parker has the same first name as Tony Allen.  Isn’t Boston the clear choice?

Here’s hoping you decide to join our team, Sheed.

Yours Truly,

Eeyore III   

TP

[4THQTR]

#10, #6 and #2 literally made me laugh out loud...
TP!

[cdif911]

Dear Sheed,

I know that Danny and the fellas have visited you, and done their best to explain why you should join the Cs.  But as a lifelong Celtics fan, I wanted to give you the real lowdown: my Top 10 Reasons why you should pick the Celtics over the Spurs.

10.     Perhaps the nation’s finest residential psychiatric clinic, the McLean Hospital, is located not far from the Celtics’ practice facility.  I’m just sayin’.

9.       San Antonio is economically dependent on the military, and is culturally authoritarian; Boston is economically dependent on academe, and is culturally corrupt.  Can’t we agree on which represents the lesser of the available evils?  For a person with over 25 tatoos?

8.       Boston is at least quasi-cosmopolitan; San Antonio is bleakly provincial.  Boston offers the Red Sox, the Patsies, after-hours concerts by top groups like Made Men … the list goes on and on.  The kind of cultural offerings available in San Antonio, on the other hand, were documented in the movie Blazing Saddles. 

7.       Haven’t you always secretly wanted to live in a place with weather so bad, a road system so decrepit, and drivers so insane, that you’d actually need to drive a Hummer with tinted bulletproof glass, just to survive?

6.       You know how sometimes a woman can seem to look really, really good, when in reality she just happens to be surrounded by a bunch of Plain Janes?  Well, come to Boston and you’ll have the opportunity on a regular basis to sit on the bench between Brian Scalabrine and Robert Swift.  Think about it.  (I realize there’s a slightly uncomfortable sexual element in this image, but frankly, ever since Bill Simmons put in black and white that he thinks Ricky Rubio is cute, I’m just not sure where to draw the line anymore.)

5.       Let’s be serious for a minute.  In San Antonio you’d be the starting Center; in Boston you’d be the backup Center.  In San Antonio, therefore, you’d be following in Tim Duncan’s footsteps.  In Boston, you’d be following in Mikki Moore’s footsteps.  Ask yourself: In which situation are you really set up to look good?  In which city are the fans more likely to give you the love?

4.       In San Antonio, you will bear the nightly starting-Center beatings that the franchise is trying to spare its icon Tim Duncan.  In Boston, Perk takes (and administers!) the nightly starting-Center beatings. 

3.   In San Antonio, you’ll be matching wits with Greg Popovich whenever you try to put things on cruise-control and goof off.  In Boston, you’ll be matching wits with Doc.

2.       In San Antonio, you will be blamed if things go wrong.  In Boston, Ray Allen will be blamed if things go wrong.  (Some habits die hard.)

1.     The seafood is a lot fresher in Boston.

And besides, Richard Jefferson has wicked B.O., Tim Duncan has halitosis, Manu suffers from excessive flatulence, Pop has ring around the collar, and Tony Parker has the same first name as Tony Allen.  Isn’t Boston the clear choice?

Here’s hoping you decide to join our team, Sheed.

Yours Truly,

Eeyore III   

8 was easily my favorite - well done, tp!

[biggs]

4.       In San Antonio, you will bear the nightly starting-Center beatings that the franchise is trying to spare its icon Tim Duncan.  In Boston, Perk takes (and administers!) the nightly starting-Center beatings. 

the line about perk was hilarious

[cdif911]

4.       In San Antonio, you will bear the nightly starting-Center beatings that the franchise is trying to spare its icon Tim Duncan.  In Boston, Perk takes (and administers!) the nightly starting-Center beatings. 

the line about perk was hilarious

I was a little confused by this - is the implication that Duncan is coming off the bench? or that he'd slide to the PF and not get the same level of sl beating?

[PosImpos]

Dear Sheed,

The kind of cultural offerings available in San Antonio, on the other hand, were documented in the movie Blazing Saddles. 

Haven’t you always secretly wanted to live in a place with weather so bad, a road system so decrepit, and drivers so insane, that you’d actually need to drive a Hummer with tinted bulletproof glass, just to survive?

In Boston, you’d be following in Mikki Moore’s footsteps.  Ask yourself: In which situation are you really set up to look good?  In which city are the fans more likely to give you the love?

Great stuff.  TP.

[4THQTR]

If Sheed does sign with the celtics i credit this post as being a major factor in his decision!

(Just re-read and it's still funny as hell!)