National Security has decrypted the following message:
"Back in the early 80s, I'd escaped from the Montauk research facilities in Montauk Long Island. The scientists thought they'd defeated me with a strong EM pulse cannon.
Well, they mistimed it, as I was able to hide inside the body of a David Stern, vacationing on the Island. Shortly afterwards, in Stern's body, I was made commissioner of the NBA. My first target was that disgusting city of Boston and its arrogant Red Auerbach and Larry Bird. In fact, it was MIT, who'd created the Montauk facilities, my aforementioned earlier prison.
And then it happened, like clockwork, the Ewing lottery pick, Bias, Bird's back, Lewis, the misplaced Duncan pick, and so forth. That franchise was easily a goner. I'd tried my best in '08, but something happened; the ghost of Auerbach foiled that game 7 against the Cavs and then, completely unexpected but Ray Allen's shot started going in, during the Piston series. And finally, when I thought we'd twisted Pierce's ankle, he'd pulled a Mr Miyagi and healed himself.
But we never gave up and kept stopping them in the years which followed. And now that Ainge has traded Pierce and Garnett, I can finally retire, and go back to my cubbyhole where I'd came from. History will remember me, as the Montauk Monster.
And I love Jack Nicholson movies."