Create Your Own Pub Experience: Draft Thread

[fairweatherfan]

I'm putting my menu first as it'll make the review make more sense:

The Cause & Cure

Bouncer: Andre the Giant
Bartender: Jeff Bridges

Entertainment:
The White Stripes
Pearl Jam
Nickelback

Activity: Throwing things at Nickelback
Food: Cheesesteaks

Beers:
Pabst Blue Ribbon Tallboys
Anchor Steam Liberty Ale
Bell's Seasonals
Avery Mephistopheles Stout
Duvel Belgian Golden Ale
Great Divide Hercules Double IPA

Specialty Drinks:
Tequila
Manhattans
Orange Crush/Other Crushes

Fake Yelp Review:

Sylvia Plath once wrote, “The floor seemed wonderfully solid. It was comforting to know I had fallen, and could fall no farther."  It’s a line I’d always liked, but never quite understood.  Until recently.  Because for me, the floor was a little slice of oblivion called The Cause & Cure.

The Cause & Cure is a hard place to find – not because it’s out of the way, but because It’s in the way.  "It" being the bouncer, a massive beast that could blot out the sun, if anyone ever had reason to stop by during those shrill gaudy hours.  He carded me with one giant paw as he swilled from a tequila bottle enveloped by the other.  Flecks of liquor and Cheez Wiz stained a vast expanse of T-shirt branded with the words “Mount Andre”.  He followed my gaze and winked.  “Izz a double nintendo.”  I smiled nervously and began to enter.  “HEY!” he bellowed. I froze and prepared for the end.  “I got your first drink, friend,” he smiled.  I nodded quickly and continued, hearing his emptied bottle crash to the asphalt on a heap of its predecessors.

The bar was more crowded and boisterous than it seemed to have any right to be.  Dim figures flitted back and forth in the darkness, chattering excitedly among themselves.  I didn’t realize it then, but I’d come on a special occasion.  It was Nickelback Dunk Tank Night, where people threw baseballs at Chad Kroeger to try and plunge a bullseye into a vat of cold water.  I winced sympathetically, thinking of how warped and sodden that poor board would be by closing, and moved on.

The bartender eyed me pleasantly as I approached.  An older, genial fellow, he wore a filthy undershirt covered by a ragged old sweater.  An ancient, suitcase-sized cell phone rang incessantly behind him, but he ignored it.  He wiped a dirty rag across a dirtier bar and motioned for me to sit down.  “What’ll it be, compadre?”  I glanced around.  “Surprise me.  But the bouncer says he’s got my first drink.”  The bartender nodded solemnly, quickly filled a pitcher with the darkest, richest beer I’ve ever seen, and disappeared without a second glance.  I heard a delighted roar from the front door, followed by the now-empty pitcher clattering to the pavement.  

The bartender returned, and shrugged.  “It’s a double entendril, man. Real wordsmith, that one.  Really ties the place together though, y’know?  But about that surprise…”  He rustled for a moment under the bar and came up with three full glasses, placing them in front of me.  One a snifter of that same inky black, another a pint of deep rich tan, the third an innocent tumbler of water.  “Have you ever heard the story,” he asked, tapping each in turn.  “…of the Devil, the Strongman, and the Trickster?”

…well, long story short, the Trickster lived up to his name - I remember that for sure.  There was no water in that glass.  

I can only describe the rest of the night as a descent into madness.  The Devil and Strongman befriended the Tall Boy and the Belgian, and moved to Manhattan together.  But the Trickster chased them there…  The bar began to blur and whirl as a familiar twosome belted out angry blues to a seething sea of lost souls.   The night wore on, the pair disappeared and were replaced by the best Pearl Jam cover band I’ve ever heard.  Was this Heaven or Hell?  Did it matter?  The cackling, lurching crowd melded seamlessly with the drinks roiling in my gut. I gripped a wall with white knuckles and prayed for the end.

Some time later I awoke, cradled in the arms of a giant.  “Time to go, my friend,” he murmured with alcohol-soaked breath, and gently lowered me into a waiting cab.  “We see you soon!” he grinned.  “No you won’t,” I rasped. I was wrong.

As the driver pulled up to my door, the first sliver of sunrise broke the horizon, and a ragged smile spread across my face.  The night was finished, and I wasn’t.  

Well, it was a night I'll never forget, at least the parts I can remember.  And the cheesesteaks are pretty good too.  But they did charge me for that first pitcher.  And I thought I saw a hot girl but it turned out to be Meg White.  3 stars.

[Lucky17]

You guys are absolutely crushing these reviews. Brilliant.

[indeedproceed]

haha, I love that review.

Reminds me of those stories you read or hear from crazy friends who go to a new bar in a new town and get absolutely destroyed alone, yet somehow make it home, when there is no reasonable explanation why except for the kindness of strangers.

[Donoghus]

haha, I love that review.

Reminds me of those stories you read or hear from crazy friends who go to a new bar in a new town and get absolutely destroyed alone, yet somehow make it home, when there is no reasonable explanation why except for the kindness of strangers.

Its amazing how our "primitive cavemen times" survival instincts kick in when we're blacked out at 2:30am and left alone.

[Edgar]

the pair disappeared and were replaced by the best Pearl Jam cover band I’ve ever heard.

[StartOrien]

haha, I love that review.

Reminds me of those stories you read or hear from crazy friends who go to a new bar in a new town and get absolutely destroyed alone, yet somehow make it home, when there is no reasonable explanation why except for the kindness of strangers.

Its amazing how our "primitive cavemen times" survival instincts kick in when we're blacked out at 2:30am and left alone.

I'm sure everyones got a story like this: But my buddy took an irish exit from a bar in downtown Boston by himself, and returned to the apartment we were crashing at.

The apartment was a mile and a half away, six flights of stairs high, and he had never been there before us showing up to pre-game.

We returned to find him, heroically 'asleep' in front of the apartment door.

[Cman]

You guys are absolutely crushing these reviews. Brilliant.

Agreed.  This is the best thread in the history of CB.  

[StartOrien]

I think the Cause & The Cure is my favorite bar.

[Edgar]

haha, I love that review.

Reminds me of those stories you read or hear from crazy friends who go to a new bar in a new town and get absolutely destroyed alone, yet somehow make it home, when there is no reasonable explanation why except for the kindness of strangers.

Its amazing how our "primitive cavemen times" survival instincts kick in when we're blacked out at 2:30am and left alone.

I'm sure everyones got a story like this: But my buddy took an irish exit from a bar in downtown Boston by himself, and returned to the apartment we were crashing at.

The apartment was a mile and a half away, six flights of stairs high, and he had never been there before us showing up to pre-game.

We returned to find him, heroically 'asleep' in front of the apartment door.

In cancun one of my buddies leaves Señor Frogs at 2.30 a.m. and I was wondering where he went, I party for like 30 minutes more and feel absolutly destroyed after a Cebada based yard, colored in pink, dont ask, .....

I took the bus and got to the hotel as fast as I can (carry myself) when i got to the bus stop next to the hotel ( planet hollywood area by that time) i took the last step out of the bus and suddenly saw a shadow inside the shadows, my friend was coming in the same direction of the bus, he never got one and walked like 50 minutes in the best drunken stage to get to the hotel

Later he told me that he stopped only because he saw me, if i wasnt there he probably end up in Tijuana.

 

Good timing.

[indeedproceed]

haha, I love that review.

Reminds me of those stories you read or hear from crazy friends who go to a new bar in a new town and get absolutely destroyed alone, yet somehow make it home, when there is no reasonable explanation why except for the kindness of strangers.

Its amazing how our "primitive cavemen times" survival instincts kick in when we're blacked out at 2:30am and left alone.

I'm sure everyones got a story like this: But my buddy took an irish exit from a bar in downtown Boston by himself, and returned to the apartment we were crashing at.

The apartment was a mile and a half away, six flights of stairs high, and he had never been there before us showing up to pre-game.

We returned to find him, heroically 'asleep' in front of the apartment door.

I have a similar story, except my friend had hidden in a tree next to the entrance to my buddy's basement apartment. One of the wierdest 2 seconds of my life was looking up into the tree and seeing my friend with a huge grin on his face emphatically greeting us like the cheshire cat from alice.

[Donoghus]

haha, I love that review.

Reminds me of those stories you read or hear from crazy friends who go to a new bar in a new town and get absolutely destroyed alone, yet somehow make it home, when there is no reasonable explanation why except for the kindness of strangers.

Its amazing how our "primitive cavemen times" survival instincts kick in when we're blacked out at 2:30am and left alone.

I'm sure everyones got a story like this: But my buddy took an irish exit from a bar in downtown Boston by himself, and returned to the apartment we were crashing at.

The apartment was a mile and a half away, six flights of stairs high, and he had never been there before us showing up to pre-game.

We returned to find him, heroically 'asleep' in front of the apartment door.

I have a similar story, except my friend had hidden in a tree next to the entrance to my buddy's basement apartment. One of the wierdest 2 seconds of my life was looking up into the tree and seeing my friend with a huge grin on his face emphatically greeting us like the cheshire cat from alice.

Through my years of recreational partying I've found that those who make the "Irish Exits" tend to be the ones who get into the most ridiculous situations.

[Donoghus]

Speaking of, does anybody else and their group of friends use the term "redcarded" to signify that someone was kicked out of a bar?

Think its one of the best terms out there.

[StartOrien]

Speaking of, does anybody else and their group of friends use the term "redcarded" to signify that someone was kicked out of a bar?

Think its one of the best terms out there.

We will now. Though I can't think of the last time someone I knew got the boot.

[fairweatherfan]

I think the Cause & The Cure is my favorite bar.

This is an easy way to get a TP.

You guys are absolutely crushing these reviews. Brilliant.

Agreed.  This is the best thread in the history of CB. 

And so is this (both of em).  Agreed that this is a really fun idea.  Now we just need some kind of way to kill the regular season when the lockout drags on.

[Lucky17]

Irish exit? I have never heard that before.

A friend of mine had a habit of doing this, and so we named the move after him ("the B___ B____ Bolt").