Author Topic: My girl is very upset with me and I need advice.  (Read 51074 times)

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My girl is very upset with me and I need advice.
« on: August 04, 2008, 09:41:21 AM »

Offline JSD

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Dear Celticsblog relationship veterans,

I got a compliment from a woman on myspace and responded with a compliment back.

I figured at the time it was a harmless compliment until I forgot to sign out of my myspace page and my girlfriend went into my inbox and Through weeks and weeks of PM's (between friends and colleagues) she finds this exchange that happened a couple of weeks ago and is now crying, disgusted with me and hurting bad.

I don't know what to do... I made no attempt to pursue this individual, I am very happy with the person I'm with and planned on spending the rest of my life with her (where supposed to get married this march). I feel  like our relationship might be broken because she is insecure and needs allot of reassuring. Will my compliments to her ever have the same meaning now?

Has anything like this happened to you? Is it broken?

I know I'm wrong for responding and an idiot for leaving my myspace on the computer.

I'd like to add:

- I'm very embarrassed and don't know who else to talk to about this. so thanks for reading and advising.

- This is the worst thing I've done in our 3 year relationship.
« Last Edit: August 04, 2008, 10:06:45 AM by Jsaad »

Re: My girl is very upset with me and I need advise.
« Reply #1 on: August 04, 2008, 09:45:42 AM »

Offline clover

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That must have been one heck of a compliment!

Re: My girl is very upset with me and I need advise.
« Reply #2 on: August 04, 2008, 09:49:50 AM »

Offline CelticsWhat35

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Advise??  Get rid of myspace.  I'm sure that will make her feel better.

Re: My girl is very upset with me and I need advise.
« Reply #3 on: August 04, 2008, 09:50:18 AM »

Offline Roy Hobbs

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1) What was the compliment?  Some should be harmless, while others cross a line.  If it was along the lines of "nice profile" or something similar, no big deal.  If you complimented her figure, maybe your girlfriend is on to something.

2) Was there any further contact between you and the other girl, or was it a one time thing?  How long ago was the conversation?

3) If your girlfriend is that insecure, you need to take some time and ask yourself if she's the right girl for you.  I know that's not what you want to hear, but she obviously is down on herself, and doesn't trust you.  I think it's a huge, huge breach of trust to go through your inbox. 

Out of the two of you, I put her more at fault.  From personal experience, people with those type of trust / security issues don't magically get better some day.

I mean, if you two really love each other, a harmless compliment to another woman shouldn't be enough to threaten an engagement.  If that's happening, then there are obviously deep-seeded issues; either there's a reason she doesn't trust you, or she's got some issues of her own to work through. 

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Re: My girl is very upset with me and I need advise.
« Reply #4 on: August 04, 2008, 09:50:30 AM »

Offline JSD

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Advise??  Get rid of myspace.  I'm sure that will make her feel better.

I deleted it within the first hour.

Re: My girl is very upset with me and I need advise.
« Reply #5 on: August 04, 2008, 09:53:48 AM »

Offline indeedproceed

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Jsaad, sorry bro. That sucks.

You could spend time asking her why she was poking around in your myspace inbox...but that would go nowhere.

I'd advise you to do whatever is necessary to restore the trust. I had a similar incident (almost identical), and I did do the "where is my privacy" thing and I highly advise against that.

However, I will say what resolved it was allowing her complete access to my entire inbox, once and complete analysis of my messages (after I'd deleted a few, and REMEMBER to empty your trash). Then, reminding her that we'd been together for 2 years, and if I was going to cheat on her, I'd have done it already. Remind her that you love her, and remind her that maybe you were out of line talking to this other woman in such a manner. Remind her that love is about trust, and if she genuinely doesn't trust her than maybe you don't have anything else to talk about. However, if she does, and phrase it like this, "I'm willing to do whatever you need to get past this, including completely severing my ties with her" (meaning the other girl).

Then remember to log out of myspace.

"You've gotta respect a 15-percent 3-point shooter. A guy
like that is always lethal." - Evan 'The God' Turner

Re: My girl is very upset with me and I need advise.
« Reply #6 on: August 04, 2008, 09:54:15 AM »

Offline Roy Hobbs

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Advise??  Get rid of myspace.  I'm sure that will make her feel better.

I deleted it within the first hour.

Bah...  just make sure you're not letting this young lady control you.  First, you give up myspace.  Then, she tells you what friends you can and can't hang out with.  Then, she gets upset if you're 15 minutes late coming home from work.

Take some time, step back, and evaluate.  Healthy relationships are built  on trust and communication, not control and appeasement.

(Again, I say this without knowing what the "compliment" was, or the depth of the contact with the other girl.  I'm taking you at face value that it was innocuous.)

All the negativity in this town sucks. It sucks, and it stinks, and it sucks. - Rick Pitino

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Re: My girl is very upset with me and I need advise.
« Reply #7 on: August 04, 2008, 09:57:19 AM »

Offline JSD

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1) What was the compliment?  Some should be harmless, while others cross a line.  If it was along the lines of "nice profile" or something similar, no big deal.  If you complimented her figure, maybe your girlfriend is on to something.

1) As embarrassed as I am…


"You’re looking pretty hot yourself. If you put a bikini picture up your site would be #1 on myspace… =)"


2) Was there any further contact between you and the other girl, or was it a one time thing?  How long ago was the conversation?

2) absolutely not

3) If your girlfriend is that insecure, you need to take some time and ask yourself if she's the right girl for you.  I know that's not what you want to hear, but she obviously is down on herself, and doesn't trust you.  I think it's a huge, huge breach of trust to go through your inbox. 

3) she has a heart of 100% pure gold and will be a wonderful mother. She's also beautiful. She is the woman for me.

Out of the two of you, I put her more at fault.  From personal experience, people with those type of trust / security issues don't magically get better some day.

I mean, if you two really love each other, a harmless compliment to another woman shouldn't be enough to threaten an engagement.  If that's happening, then there are obviously deep-seeded issues; either there's a reason she doesn't trust you, or she's got some issues of her own to work through. 


Well obviously my compliment was out of bounds so let me know after you read.

Re: My girl is very upset with me and I need advise.
« Reply #8 on: August 04, 2008, 09:59:47 AM »

Offline indeedproceed

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Advise??  Get rid of myspace.  I'm sure that will make her feel better.

I deleted it within the first hour.

Bah...  just make sure you're not letting this young lady control you.  First, you give up myspace.  Then, she tells you what friends you can and can't hang out with.  Then, she gets upset if you're 15 minutes late coming home from work.

Take some time, step back, and evaluate.  Healthy relationships are built  on trust and communication, not control and appeasement.

(Again, I say this without knowing what the "compliment" was, or the depth of the contact with the other girl.  I'm taking you at face value that it was innocuous.)

My friends are always telling me not to let my gf control my life...she made me quit smoking (now a secret smoker), I hardly ever drink (but get crazy when I get with my friends), and now, Im scared the next move will be the Xbox.

I'm just working on outsmarting her now....how do you make an Xbox look like work? Solution: "I know hunny, but I got roped into this league on celtics blog and now I gotta play between 2 and three games a night! What would people think if a moderator just stepped out on a commitment?" (thanks Crownsy)

"You've gotta respect a 15-percent 3-point shooter. A guy
like that is always lethal." - Evan 'The God' Turner

Re: My girl is very upset with me and I need advise.
« Reply #9 on: August 04, 2008, 10:04:35 AM »

Offline Roy Hobbs

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Yeah, the compliment was a little over the line, for sure.  Since it happened a "couple of weeks ago", I think she should get over it, but I understand her frustration.  I'd be mad as hell, too.

That being said, the red flags I noticed:

1) You labeling her as "insecure".  Sounds like an ongoing problem;

2) Her going through "weeks and weeks" of private messages between you and your friends.

3) This turning into a huge deal about a one-time, isolated occurrence.

I hope it works out for you.  As I said, I don't buy into the "grovel and do whatever she wants" approach.  That just turns your relationship from one among equals, to one where she controls you.  Those relationships never end happy, unless you're a masochist.

(And again...  I'm taking your message at face value.)

All the negativity in this town sucks. It sucks, and it stinks, and it sucks. - Rick Pitino

Portland CrotoNats:  2009 CB Draft Champions

Re: My girl is very upset with me and I need advise.
« Reply #10 on: August 04, 2008, 10:04:59 AM »

Offline Potapenko Boxout

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you could learn how to spell 'advice', for starters

Re: My girl is very upset with me and I need advise.
« Reply #11 on: August 04, 2008, 10:06:12 AM »

Offline JSD

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Jsaad, sorry bro. That sucks.

You could spend time asking her why she was poking around in your myspace inbox...but that would go nowhere.

I'd advise you to do whatever is necessary to restore the trust. I had a similar incident (almost identical), and I did do the "where is my privacy" thing and I highly advise against that.

However, I will say what resolved it was allowing her complete access to my entire inbox, once and complete analysis of my messages (after I'd deleted a few, and REMEMBER to empty your trash). Then, reminding her that we'd been together for 2 years, and if I was going to cheat on her, I'd have done it already. Remind her that you love her, and remind her that maybe you were out of line talking to this other woman in such a manner. Remind her that love is about trust, and if she genuinely doesn't trust her than maybe you don't have anything else to talk about. However, if she does, and phrase it like this, "I'm willing to do whatever you need to get past this, including completely severing my ties with her" (meaning the other girl).

Then remember to log out of myspace.

I appreciate your honesty.

I never maintained communication with the woman and I didn’t add her to my “friends” out of respect for Ashley…

She’s not concerned with my conversation with the woman she’s disgusted at my “pig like” compliment.

Re: My girl is very upset with me and I need advise.
« Reply #12 on: August 04, 2008, 10:09:15 AM »

Offline Roy Hobbs

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She’s not concerned with my conversation with the woman she’s disgusted at my “pig like” compliment.


Ah.  Different story.  In that case, she'll get over it eventually, and that isn't necessarily a sign of latent insecurity.

She's right, though...  it was pretty pig-like, even though it was meant to be light-hearted and flirtatious (I'm assuming).

Apologize, and fall back on your track record (which I'm assuming isn't pig-like).  Once things settle down, do something romantic for her, and make sure you go the total chivalrous route.  Do not, however, change your entire routine thereafter, or grovel / continually apologize. 

All the negativity in this town sucks. It sucks, and it stinks, and it sucks. - Rick Pitino

Portland CrotoNats:  2009 CB Draft Champions

Re: My girl is very upset with me and I need advise.
« Reply #13 on: August 04, 2008, 10:09:28 AM »

Offline guava_wrench

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That compliment wasn't that bad at all for MySpace. It does not sound like you are trying to hook up. If your claim is true that you were replying to her initial contact, I really don't see much for you to feel guilty about.

It isn't like you were flouting this - she dug into your email. If wants to find something, she should be able to find things that she can interpret as some sort of emotional infidelity.

You might want to go to counseling with her. A neutral observer might help her see that she is overreacting, assuming you have no history of unfaithfulness.

Re: My girl is very upset with me and I need advise.
« Reply #14 on: August 04, 2008, 10:12:20 AM »

Offline CelticsWhat35

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1) What was the compliment?  Some should be harmless, while others cross a line.  If it was along the lines of "nice profile" or something similar, no big deal.  If you complimented her figure, maybe your girlfriend is on to something.

1) As embarrassed as I am…


"You’re looking pretty hot yourself. If you put a bikini picture up your site would be #1 on myspace… =)"



No good.

A good rule of thumb is, before you write something to another female, think if it would be something you wouldn't want your girlfriend to see.  If it is, you probably shouldn't write it.

 

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