Has anyone here ever lost a child?

[greg683x]

Hey everyone

I know I dont post on here much, and when i do, most of the time no one really responds (unless I post something politically controversial unfortunately)  Ive been a member here since the mid 2000s and Im not part of the clique here, which is fine because I do enjoy reading the conversation because it keeps me updated on the team since I cant follow them as religeously as I use to.  But unfortunately something very traumatic happened to my family and this place is offers me the unique opportunity to vent about it to people who arent friends or family that I would be expected to have an extended conversation with afterward and I just dont want to do that right now.

So here it goes, on May 23rd, week before last, my precious little 15 month old daughter Alaina passed away.  It was unexpected.  She had weak lungs and had a virus that I guess just reeked havoc on her respiratory system.  I dont think we'll ever know for sure how this got so bad so quick.  But this was so unexpected, that leading up to this, the morning of this awful day, yes she had a runny nose and cough, but she was pushing her cart accross our livingroom floor with a big smile on her face.  Shes been sick before, shes had the flu, and for the most part she had been fine, so we figured that would be the case here. But no, 15 or so hours after she was playing happily in our house, she was laying pale on the table while doctors were performing CPR on her.  They eventually got her back, but her brain damage from the time her heart was substantial and there would be no recovery, so 24 hours later after talking with multiple neurologists, we had to let her go.  There are some images that you just know, no matter how much counseling and therapy you go through, will never be erased from your head.

So now all we're left with is pictures on the wall that we cant bear to look at and rooms we cant go into because its too painful.  I feel like a prisoner in my own house.  If thats not awful enough, whats worse is the images constantly running through my head.  Lots are of her during happy times, others are from the night she passed.  All are painful and I cant seem to get away from them.  I cant help but wonder if we're going to have to move to a different house.  The first thing me and my wife did when we go back from the hospital was take her high chair fromthe dining room table and put it in her bedroom and close the door.  Thoughts of removing all her stuff from the house to help make it more comfortable battle with thoughts of not wanting to erase her existence is a cycle of torture.  Also, the guilt, the guilt of wondering if I made different decisions, taken her to a different hospital, been more prepared for something like this, maybe it would have bought us more time and she'd still be here.  Its a burden Im gonna carry the rest of my life

We have another daughter.  A 4 year old.  When we got back she asked where Alaina was and I had the unfortunate responsibility of sitting her down and telling her that the doctors did all they could to help and keep her here, but she ended up having to go to heaven.  She started crying hysterically which was not the response we were expecting.  We thought we'd get a wide eyed confused look with not much to say.  Not right away but a day or two later she asked us, "If you and daddy have to go to heaven, am I going to be by myself?"  Just brutal to have these talks with a 4 year old girl.  You know, youre careful about everything your kid watches, what they hear, who they play with, what school theyll go to, because you dont want to screw them up..........then something like this happens.

We had Alainas funeral this past Friday, which was really painful.  Putting a 30" long casket in the ground just isnt right.  The reception afterwards was a bit of a release, I was able to have a goodtime and socialize.   I think that was more because of the whiskey I was drinking though, because the next day, the emptyness, feelings of guilt and depression came back with a vengence.

Me and my wife have handled the grief differently.  Shes gone back to work, and at the time buried her self in things to do for the funeral to keep her mind off of things.  I havent been able to get out of bed.  Im a 'do-er'  A very active person, I have lots of hobbies and keep myself moving with all kinds of different projects around the house. I havent been able to move.  Part of it is depression I know, but the other part is a feeling that if I go back to normal life, its disrespectful to my kid.  Ive had fits of anger.  Family members, who only met my kind a couple times at most, posting on facebook about her passing and how sad they are, with people offering them all kinds of condolences.  I know other people have a right to be sad.  But she was my kid, not yours.  Its my grief, not yours.  In a week or two, youll carry on with your life like nothing ever happened, and we'll be back here actually having to deal with it.  Stuff like this is why I havent really wanted to hear from people who havent been through something terrible like this, how can you possibly relate?  And if you cant, why should I care about your advice? I know some of this is irrational, but its where my brain goes

 I know its not healthy, but I keep trying to think of what could be worse than this??  I guess your brain tries to find ways to cope and one of them is finding a way to say, "Well, it could be worse."  The best i can come up with, is if both my kids got killed, I know there would be no coming back from that for me.  The other, is if poor Alaina died in some kind of violent way at the hands of some psychopath and I wasnt there.  Thats it. 

I know theres nothing wrong with only having one kid, but I cant help but be so incredibly sad of what we missed out on.  Noisy car rides with two girls in the back on our way to a vacation.  Our house seems so quiet now.  We have a dog thats going to pass away soon, he has cancer, the vet gave him 1-2 months.  That was in March.  Thats going to make it worse.  Its dead quiet in our bedroom at night because we cant hear the sound machine in the nursey playing through the baby monitor any more.  How in the world do you get over this?  It just seems so insurmountable.  I know as time goes on, the pain will start to dull, but I just feel like Im carrying a massive boulder on my shoulders with a giant hole in my chest.

Has anyone on this blog ever been through this?  Or something very similar? Ive dealt with losing loved ones before, but this just seems like a completely different animal.  It goes against the natural order of things.  If you have, what helped you get through it..  Dont feel like you have to respond to this, especially if you dont know what to say, because really there isnt much you can say about this.  Not to mention this is an awkward post on a basketball forum.

I suppose its just as much a form of therapy to write all this out as it is to get a response from someone whos been in these shoes.

thanks for reading if you made it this far.

[mobilija]

I always read ur posts Greg. You have a view point and compassionate intelligence that I respect and appreciate, even if I don?t agree with you.

Losing a child is likely the worst possible grief there is. I?m so sorry for you and your family. I have no advice for you. Just know I read your post and tho I don?t really know you, I care.

[Birdman]

I can?t imagine the pain & sorrow u, your wife and daughter going thru?my heart goes out to u or anyone who has lost a child or grandchild..my prayers goes out to u

[DefenseWinsChamps]

Wow Greg. I'm so sorry that you've had to face this with your family. This is terrible. Praying for you.

[Roy H.]

I've never dealt with that situation personally.  My heart breaks for you and your family.

My cousin lost a child at a similar age. She became involved with a child bereavement support group, and that really helped her, connecting with others who had gone through similar experiences.

This site might be helpful:  https://bereavedparentsusa.org/for-the-newly-bereaved/

I don't know that there is anything harder to deal with emotionally than what you are going through. It's every parent's nightmare.  I have lost close friends and my mother at a young age, and I guess what I would say is that deep sadness and anger are natural.  So is guilt, but don't let that take hold, because it's a dark rabbit hole full of unhealthy fixation on things that just aren't true.. And, keeping isolated is also natural, but keep your wife in your circle. 

[Vermont Green]

I hope we can all talk Celtics or Politics with you and help you though this in any way you can.  The closest that I came was when a co-worker committed suicide, I was his boss, he was my direct report, I had no idea.  I remember the morning when the HR women came in my office and said we need to talk.  The news sunk me like a rock.  People I could tell were looking at me wondering why I didn't realize there was something wrong, like I should have know or something, gotten him help.

My company brought in grief counselors.  I guess that is my advice, don't be afraid to let people help you.  Talking to these people did help me.  It kind of sounds silly but having someone tell me it was not my fault, and going through all the facts about how even trained Psychiatrists don't catch it when people are on the edge of suicide.  And this is not nearly the same as loosing a child, I can't even imagine.  But I hope this helps even a little.

[dannyboy35]

  I am totally speechless, Greg. I am so sorry. I gasped reading this. I can?t imagine anything as painful. I can?t even put myself there.
  I hope this isn?t disrespectful in any way but when you mentioned your dog , which is also painful , I wonder if you would consider getting a couple of rescue puppy siblings. If not for you and your wife but pouring care into a couple of otherwise homeless ( or worse) creatures can at least bring some noise into the house.
  When I lost my best friend suddenly as a young man , we cried into the dog several times and we needed the comfort. Other than that we. Preach loved the dog it was a tactile thing of hugging the dog.
  I?m so sorry. I hope this suggestion wasn?t in bad taste.

[Goldstar88]

I am so sorry, man. I haven?t gone through something like that, but I know people who have. They got through it with a lot of therapy. Try to find a good one in your area and keep in mind that you may have to see a few before finding one that is the right fit. Also, try to stay away from the bottle. It?s only going to make things worse.

[Redz]

First off Greg I'm so glad you thought to use this forum to air out your experience.  It is a good combination of accepting community and relative anonymity. It's a huge step to express yourself. 

I can't imagine what you and family. going through.  Sending love your way.

[rocknrollforyoursoul]

I'm so sorry, Greg. I'm praying for you and your family.

[greg683x]

thanks for the replies.  sometimes it does help to just hear basic responses of compassion.  it makes things bubble back up to the surface, i dont know if thats a good thing or a bad thing, it might just depend on the day.

Also, try to stay away from the bottle. It?s only going to make things worse.

Ive been very conscious of this.  i dont want to make this worse by drowning in alchohol, it would most likely alienate mefrom my wife and kid, and thats the last thing I need.  Ive given in twice, one was at the reception after the funeral.  I drank A LOT.  The other was last wednesday night around 1am, I had a bottle of scotch with me to drink when i was writing a letter to her that I was going to read at the funeral.  Outside of the that and maybe a stray beer or two, Ive stayed away from it

I hope this isn?t disrespectful in any way but when you mentioned your dog , which is also painful , I wonder if you would consider getting a couple of rescue puppy siblings. If not for you and your wife but pouring care into a couple of otherwise homeless ( or worse) creatures can at least bring some noise into the house.

This hasnt been discussed but I know its going to come up.  I dont know how I feel about it.  When me and my wife met 10 years ago, we both had two dogs.  So when we moved in together, we had 4 dogs in the same house, it was bananas.  We loved them, but it had been a nightmare setting up any kind of trip or vacation bc we had to deal with either boarding them or finding someone to take care of them, which is no easy task for 4 dogs.  Not to mention it was just so hard to keep a clean house.  Though we loved them, we were quietly kind of waiting them for all to die off bc it was just too much craziness, especially once children entered the equation.  This poor old guy, is the last remaining dog.  So i dont know, we'll see, Im so tired of dealing with dog stuff..  My daughter has also said she wants a kitty, so maybe we'll do that.

  It kind of sounds silly but having someone tell me it was not my fault, and going through all the facts about how even trained Psychiatrists don't catch it when people are on the edge of suicide.

so theres been two interactions/conversations that I can say had an imact on me so far.  One, is I talked to my friends dad, who lost his oldest son to a pulmonary embolism at 18 years old.  He said a lot of things that resonated with me, that helped give me some peace about the guilt.

the other is more interesting, and I dont know why it had such an impact.  There was an autistic girl at the funeral, she was someones daughter on my wifes side, probably 16-21 years old, never met her before.  Her family came to the reception after the funeral and she just sat off in a corner by herself in silence the entire time looking forward.  After her family walked up to introduece themselves and say they were leaving, right before they left, she walked up and gave me a hug, then pulled out her phone and typed in text showed me her phone which read  "It's not your fault.  Please take care of yourself."  I didnt know what to say and I was under the influence, so I just nodded.  But I havent gotten that interaction out of my head since

My cousin lost a child at a similar age. She became involved with a child bereavement support group, and that really helped her, connecting with others who had gone through similar experiences.

This site might be helpful:  https://bereavedparentsusa.org/for-the-newly-bereaved/

we joined a child loss support group that meets once a month close to home here.  I was warned to give it at least 3 visits before giving up on it, so were going to give it a chance.  I have talked to a therapist, it was helpful i guess, it so hard to get an appointment with this woman though, shes so booked, the next visit would be months apart, so it might not work, or ill find someone else i guess


thanks again for the responses, it made me a little emotional reading some of them, but otherwise, Ive had a good day today

[Phantom255x]

Greg I am so sorry. I'm praying for you and your family

Like others have mentioned, if you need a space to talk/vent, this forum is here for you. And if you need anything as well, we're here and will help any way we possibly can.

[jambr380]

Greg, I am truly sorry for what you and your family are going through. I can't imagine the immense sense of loss and hopelessness you feel, but know that we are all here for you. Thanks so much for sharing your story. It takes a lot to do open up like that on a public forum and we feel grateful that you felt comfortable enough doing it on here.

[President Red]

I am so sorry for your loss.  It's tough to imagine.

My sister's son died in an accident at age five.  He would have been twenty-one now.  She also has another child who is now twenty-three.  Both of them struggled for years with what happened.  They certainly haven't put it all behind them -- and I don't think they would want to do that completely -- but they have reached a point where they can have happy memories of him.

As horrible as the situation was, it was made worse by my brother-in-law's reaction to it.  It was understandable in a way.  He was supervising my nephew at the time of the accident, and might have been able to prevent it had he been more alert, but that's speculative.  Also, my BiL was a paramedic, and attempted to revive his son unsuccessfully.

Based on that, it took an extra toll on him.  Unfortunately, he turned to alcohol to deal with it, making him less of a help to his wife and daughter, and resulting in his own death from liver failure at age forty-seven.

It's probably little comfort that your loss was not due to anything you could have done.  I mention this only to encourage you to be aware of the need to pay attention to your own mental and physical health, for your sake and that of your family.  Let this be a sad memory that you and your family share for a long time in an otherwise good life.

[Neurotic Guy]

Greg, I think you're right that no one can truly understand unless they've experience what you are experiencing. People who haven't can be sad for you, as I think we all are, but we can turn the page and get back to our lives.    Anger, depression, isolation, denial, guilt (and other reactions) are all normal responses, and though the "stages of grief" don't have an exact playbook or timeline, going through the stages in whatever ways they manifest in the individual is pretty common.  It's hard to know when and how support groups or individual or couples therapy will be helpful.  They help a lot of people but I think readiness for it to be helpful is different for different people and often takes time.   

My sister (Deb) lost her 18 year old daughter about 4 years ago to fentanyl poisoning.  Becca was about two months shy of heading off to college.  She was smart, funny, talented and had a great future ahead of her.  A celebratory night with friends and some drug experimentation led to her death and near-death experiences for friends.  Obviously, Becca's innocence isn't the same as Alaina's pure innocence, but nonetheless her parent's were devastated. 

My sister has a twin who lived nearby and they basically raised their families together.  Becca died in her aunt's house which led her aunt to irrational guilt that continues to haunt her.  Becca's aunt was deeply depressed for a long time.  Deb (Becca's mom) was stunned at first, but then emerged suddenly energized.  She put everything into creating a foundation in her daughter's name. She's in Washington today lobbying for legislation for on-line safety and fentanyl prevention.    Both of my sisters are productive and have joy in their lives, but I don't think either of them ever think that they've "gotten over" the loss.  I think they consider Becca to be a constant in their lives - with jolts of pain from time to time but also strength that comes from their memories of her.  They continue to learn to live with it. 

I think everyone here wishes there were words to say that would magically help, and if we knew what they were, we'd all say them.