How to Fix the Celtics (and the NBA)

[PhoSita]

Things need to change!  Everybody understands this. 

The fans are miserable, the team is disappointing, and there doesn't seem to be any change on the horizon.  The team isn't good enough to justify spending into the luxury tax!  Danny is going to save the TPE for the offseason, citing the promise and allure of a big trade for a big name that nobody will see coming.  Ha!  We've heard that one before.

Pish posh!  Let's make some changes!  Below I will fix the Celtics, and by extension, the entire NBA.


Trade 1:

Marcus Smart ---> Patrick Beverley and a 1st round pick



Rationale:

Simple.  Send Smart to a team that can win a title!  I want to see Marcus in the Finals!  In return, the Celts get a draft pick and a player who is kinda like Smart but worse and a bit older.


Trade 2:

Daniel Theis & Jeff Teague ---> Rajon Rondo & Bruno Fernando



Rationale:

Bring back Rondo, finally.  Bring the prodigal son home!  Also, send Jeff Teague back to the team that spawned him.  And maybe the Hawks can use a defensive 4/5 who can space the floor a little.  They need defense, right?  Bruno Fernando is the kind of big slammin' dude that Celts fans crave in the paint (is he any good? meh?)


Trade 3:

Thompson, Langford & Ojeleye ----> Rudy Gay, Bates-Diop & Eubanks



Rationale:

Make Thompson somebody else's disappointment.  Rudy Gay is an expiring contract.  Langford is the enticement here.  San Antonio seems to like raw athletic prospects with a penchant for defense and fast breaks.  The Celts would also dump Semi, perpetual target of fan ire and perennial getter of too many minutes from Brad Stevens.  Finally, Drew Eubanks would immediately be a huge fan favorite in Boston because ... reasons.  Celts could throw in a couple second round picks here if necessary to entice SAS.


Trade 4:

Kemba Walker, Aaron Nesmith, Grant Williams & BOS 1st --> Eric Bledsoe, JJ Redick & Lonzo Ball



Rationale:

Dump Kemba.  Make somebody else be disappointed by him!  Let him smile on the sidelines of some other team that isn't winning a title, or any big games!  Also, the Pelicans love young players who maybe can't play yet (or ever) but who have potential.  Nesmith and Grant are perfect!  Also the Celts would get (1) A player fans love to hate in Bledsoe; (2) a veteran Celts fans have been clamoring to get for ages in Redick; and (3) a youngish pass-first point guard in Ball that fans have been clamoring to get for ages.  Everybody is happy!


But wait! I'm NOT DONE.


We're all tired of Brad Stevens and Danny Ainge, right?  They've had their time and it hasn't gotten us where we need to be. 

Fans are sick of Danny's constant almost-trading, and generally have distaste for an old rich white Mormon dude who, let's face it, most current fans didn't actually watch when he was on the team.

Meanwhile, Brad Stevens doesn't yell enough!  We want a coach who will wear his displeasure and frustration on his face so as to appropriately serve as an avatar for fan disgust and annoyance with the refs, the players, and ourselves!


Two easy moves here, after letting Danny and Brad go.  So long guys, it's been real.


1. Hire Paul Pierce as President of Basketball Operations, with Kendrick Perkins as his Assistant GM.

This accomplishes a few things. First, it gives us a GM we all know and love.  He's a former player, so he knows the game, whereas Danny is a former player but, like, basketball was very different in the 80s and 90s.  This would also get Kendrick Perkins off of broadcast coverage.  But we would still get him doing radio interviews now and then, which seems like the right amount.  Similarly, we wouldn't have to deal with opposing fans complaining when Pierce is too nice about the Celtics on TV.  It's a win win!


2. Hire Jeff Van Gundy and Mark Jackson as co-head coaches.

Who needs one head coach?  Let's have two!  These guys are so ... uh ... good in the broadcast booth.  Let's see how they work together on the sidelines!  These guys are exactly the kind of platitude-using, ranting-against-the-refs old school types that fans really want to see coaching this team.  Besides, Mark Jackson will really connect with Tatum and Brown in a way that Brad Stevens just can't because .... reasons.  This would also mean NBA fans in general don't need to hear them call games anymore!  It's a win win win win win win x 100000000000.



Well there you have it.  Here's the final picture:


Tatum
Brown
Lonzo
Timelord
Bledsoe
----
Pritchard
Beverley
Redick
Eubanks
Gay
-----
Rondo
Bates
Fernando
Javonte
Edwards
-----
Waters
Tacko


You didn't think I was gonna trade Tacko, didja?  We need more Tacko!  That would make the team a lot better, right there.  I forgot to add that by way of these trades, the Celts are left with Timelord as the only rotation caliber NBA big (other than Tacko, obviously, but can you even really call him a center?  He transcends positions).  This would GUARANTEE that he plays  big minutes.

[SHAQATTACK]

Things need to change!  Everybody understands this. 

The fans are miserable, the team is disappointing, and there doesn't seem to be any change on the horizon.  The team isn't good enough to justify spending into the luxury tax!  Danny is going to save the TPE for the offseason, citing the promise and allure of a big trade for a big name that nobody will see coming.  Ha!  We've heard that one before.

Pish posh!  Let's make some changes!  Below I will fix the Celtics, and by extension, the entire NBA.


Trade 1:

Marcus Smart ---> Patrick Beverley and a 1st round pick



Rationale:

Simple.  Send Smart to a team that can win a title!  I want to see Marcus in the Finals!  In return, the Celts get a draft pick and a player who is kinda like Smart but worse and a bit older.


Trade 2:

Daniel Theis & Jeff Teague ---> Rajon Rondo & Bruno Fernando



Rationale:

Bring back Rondo, finally.  Bring the prodigal son home!  Also, send Jeff Teague back to the team that spawned him.  And maybe the Hawks can use a defensive 4/5 who can space the floor a little.  They need defense, right?  Bruno Fernando is the kind of big slammin' dude that Celts fans crave in the paint (is he any good? meh?)


Trade 3:

Thompson, Langford & Ojeleye ----> Rudy Gay, Bates-Diop & Eubanks



Rationale:

Make Thompson somebody else's disappointment.  Rudy Gay is an expiring contract.  Langford is the enticement here.  San Antonio seems to like raw athletic prospects with a penchant for defense and fast breaks.  The Celts would also dump Semi, perpetual target of fan ire and perennial getter of too many minutes from Brad Stevens.  Finally, Drew Eubanks would immediately be a huge fan favorite in Boston because ... reasons.  Celts could throw in a couple second round picks here if necessary to entice SAS.


Trade 4:

Kemba Walker, Aaron Nesmith, Grant Williams & BOS 1st --> Eric Bledsoe, JJ Redick & Lonzo Ball



Rationale:

Dump Kemba.  Make somebody else be disappointed by him!  Let him smile on the sidelines of some other team that isn't winning a title, or any big games!  Also, the Pelicans love young players who maybe can't play yet (or ever) but who have potential.  Nesmith and Grant are perfect!  Also the Celts would get (1) A player fans love to hate in Bledsoe; (2) a veteran Celts fans have been clamoring to get for ages in Redick; and (3) a youngish pass-first point guard in Ball that fans have been clamoring to get for ages.  Everybody is happy!


But wait! I'm NOT DONE.


We're all tired of Brad Stevens and Danny Ainge, right?  They've had their time and it hasn't gotten us where we need to be. 

Fans are sick of Danny's constant almost-trading, and generally have distaste for an old rich white Mormon dude who, let's face it, most current fans didn't actually watch when he was on the team.

Meanwhile, Brad Stevens doesn't yell enough!  We want a coach who will wear his displeasure and frustration on his face so as to appropriately serve as an avatar for fan disgust and annoyance with the refs, the players, and ourselves!


Two easy moves here, after letting Danny and Brad go.  So long guys, it's been real.


1. Hire Paul Pierce as President of Basketball Operations, with Kendrick Perkins as his Assistant GM.

This accomplishes a few things. First, it gives us a GM we all know and love.  He's a former player, so he knows the game, whereas Danny is a former player but, like, basketball was very different in the 80s and 90s.  This would also get Kendrick Perkins off of broadcast coverage.  But we would still get him doing radio interviews now and then, which seems like the right amount.  Similarly, we wouldn't have to deal with opposing fans complaining when Pierce is too nice about the Celtics on TV.  It's a win win!


2. Hire Stan Van Gundy and Mark Jackson as co-head coaches.

Who needs one head coach?  Let's have two!  These guys are so ... uh ... good in the broadcast booth.  Let's see how they work together on the sidelines!  These guys are exactly the kind of platitude-using, ranting-against-the-refs old school types that fans really want to see coaching this team.  Besides, Mark Jackson will really connect with Tatum and Brown in a way that Brad Stevens just can't because .... reasons.  This would also mean NBA fans in general don't need to hear them call games anymore!  It's a win win win win win win x 100000000000.



Well there you have it.  Here's the final picture:

Tatum
Brown
Timelord
Lonzo
Gay
Bledsoe
Redick
Rondo
Eubanks
Bates-Diop
Fernando
Javonte
Edwards
Waters
Tacko

You didn't think I was gonna trade Tacko, didja?  We need more Tacko!  That would make the team a lot better, right there.  I forgot to add that by way of these trades, the Celts are left with Timelord as the only rotation caliber NBA big (other than Tacko, obviously, but can you even really call him a center?  He transcends positions).  This would GUARANTEE that he plays  big minutes.

Tacko s and Rob W and Pritchard minds are right.    I’m not convinced about the the rests total dedication one for and all for one .

[Goldstar88]

None of those moves make the C’s a contender and they would still probably be a 4-5 seed. The only trade that I believe would be a good move for the C’s in the long run is trade 4, since I think Lonzo would be a nice piece to add. Hate Bledsoe, though. Also have no idea what Nesmith will turn out to be. Lonzo didn’t start to look good until year 3.

I still like our core going forward with Pritchard, Smart, Brown, Tatum and Timelord. Hopefully Romeo or Nesmith can turn out to be a 6th man. This is a developmental year for the C’s

[LilRip]

If we aren’t building around Tacko, then frankly, I don’t see the point. I also don’t know why CBS isn’t unleashing the Waters-Tacko combo so I agree with the sentiment that CBS has got to go

[PhoSita]

None of those moves make the C’s a contender and they would still probably be a 4-5 seed. The only trade that I believe would be a good move for the C’s in the long run is trade 4, since I think Lonzo would be a nice piece to add. Hate Bledsoe, though. Also have no idea what Nesmith will turn out to be. Lonzo didn’t start to look good until year 3.

I still like our core going forward with Pritchard, Smart, Brown, Tatum and Timelord. Hopefully Romeo or Nesmith can turn out to be a 6th man. This is a developmental year for the C’s

The dream is dead!  Contention is a light fog dissipating in the harsh light of morning!

All we can hope for is to be entertained! 

I think it should be beyond question that, if all of these trades were implemented, as well as the personnel moves mentioned, the Celtics would be more interesting, if nothing else.

[Birdman]

That team is worse than what we got now

[PhoSita]

If we aren’t building around Tacko, then frankly, I don’t see the point. I also don’t know why CBS isn’t unleashing the Waters-Tacko combo so I agree with the sentiment that CBS has got to go

This guy gets it.

I'm open to the idea that the end result of the trades I suggested is that Robert Williams would become the starting PF with Tacko as the starting C. 

I think there's a strong argument in favor of that!

[PhoSita]

That team is worse than what we got now

Perhaps, but would it be as disappointing?

Think about it.

[Surferdad]

None of those moves make the C’s a contender and they would still probably be a 4-5 seed. The only trade that I believe would be a good move for the C’s in the long run is trade 4, since I think Lonzo would be a nice piece to add. Hate Bledsoe, though. Also have no idea what Nesmith will turn out to be. Lonzo didn’t start to look good until year 3.

I still like our core going forward with Pritchard, Smart, Brown, Tatum and Timelord. Hopefully Romeo or Nesmith can turn out to be a 6th man. This is a developmental year for the C’s

The dream is dead!  Contention is a light fog dissipating in the harsh light of morning!

All we can hope for is to be entertained! 

I think it should be beyond question that, if all of these trades were implemented, as well as the personnel moves mentioned, the Celtics would be more interesting, if nothing else.

Sure, but then hope fades into utter disappointment.  This is why I've stopped watching games, WYC.

[Moranis]

That team is worse than what we got now

Perhaps, but would it be as disappointing?

Think about it.

The team is only disappointing if you mistakenly believed it was better than it was.

[Goldstar88]

None of those moves make the C’s a contender and they would still probably be a 4-5 seed. The only trade that I believe would be a good move for the C’s in the long run is trade 4, since I think Lonzo would be a nice piece to add. Hate Bledsoe, though. Also have no idea what Nesmith will turn out to be. Lonzo didn’t start to look good until year 3.

I still like our core going forward with Pritchard, Smart, Brown, Tatum and Timelord. Hopefully Romeo or Nesmith can turn out to be a 6th man. This is a developmental year for the C’s

The dream is dead!  Contention is a light fog dissipating in the harsh light of morning!

All we can hope for is to be entertained! 

I think it should be beyond question that, if all of these trades were implemented, as well as the personnel moves mentioned, the Celtics would be more interesting, if nothing else.

The dream was dead for basically every team in the NBA after Harden went to Brooklyn. Kyrie and Durant didn’t play in yesterdays game against the Pacers who have a solid starting lineup with Brogdon, Lavert, Holiday, Sabonis, and Turner and the Nets won handily. Harden had 40/10/15...it’s a joke.

[PhoSita]

That team is worse than what we got now

Perhaps, but would it be as disappointing?

Think about it.

The team is only disappointing if you mistakenly believed it was better than it was.

oh-kee doh-kee, yeh yeh, sure friend, sure.  you knew all along this was going to be a team that struggled around .500 and failed to close out games against lottery caliber opponents.  if only the rest of us had been so clear-eyed!



of course it would be ideal to be so galaxy brain as to never have expected to enjoy or be entertained by this team, let alone think that they would actually be able to make another deep playoff run like they did .... let's see ... 8 months ago?  but yes, you're right. the smart ones always knew.


this is my failing; i've never managed to fully program my brain to never expect good things from my favorite team.

[johnnygreen]

Jeff Van Gundy works with Mark Jackson. Jeff's brother Stan is the head coach for New Orleans.

[Sophomore]

The other day someone wrote that he’d rather see a donut coach the Cs than Mark Jackson. I agree. It wouldn’t even have to be a very good donut. Like, one of those no-filling, no-glaze old-fashioned donuts would be okay.

I guess if Jackson coached we wouldn’t have to listen to him broadcast the games, but it’s too high a price to pay. Can’t they take him somewhere else?

[Moranis]

That team is worse than what we got now

Perhaps, but would it be as disappointing?

Think about it.

The team is only disappointing if you mistakenly believed it was better than it was.

oh-kee doh-kee, yeh yeh, sure friend, sure.  you knew all along this was going to be a team that struggled around .500 and failed to close out games against lottery caliber opponents.  if only the rest of us had been so clear-eyed!



of course it would be ideal to be so galaxy brain as to never have expected to enjoy or be entertained by this team, let alone think that they would actually be able to make another deep playoff run like they did .... let's see ... 8 months ago?  but yes, you're right. the smart ones always knew.


this is my failing; i've never managed to fully program my brain to never expect good things from my favorite team.

After learning of the extent of Kemba's knee injury, I thought Boston would be the 6th seed in the East, which low and behold they are.  Thought the early season be a struggle with Kemba being out, expecting Smart to have his usual injury, with a young and generally not very good bench.  Didn't like the thompson signing.  Brown has been a nice surprise to see such a jump in year 5, Tatum is progressing like he should, but the team just isn't very good and was never going to be very good.