Young Dude Who Could Use Some Relationship Advice

[Neurotic Guy]

As a father of two young women, 19 and 23, it makes me glad that you are being thoughtful.  I am not big on cheating (I've never done it), so if you feel you need to experience other women, my opinion is that the right thing to do is to break it off.  Being attracted to other women is different story -- that will likely never end.   I have been married 25 years and I can't say it's been easy -- it ain't over and we still may not make it.

My point is that marriage is a long hard road for many of us and at 22 it's pretty hard to know for sure whether your companion is 'the one for life'.  At 22 I had no thoughts of marriage (didn't marry till 31), but I know that some people do feel ready at 22 so it depends on who you are and where you are in your life.  A previous poster said that brain development isn't complete till mid-twenties, but that's variable and some mature earlier and some later. 

My general advice would be to focus on enjoying being 22 -- the work world, maybe your own apartment, the social life, and the freedom.  Freedom doesn't have to mean having sex with many women, but it's more of a mindset that you are still young and you do not have to make decisions that commit you for a lifetime.

[oldmanspeaks]

As an old man who had a long unsatisfactory marriage and who after he was divorced found a love for the ages that has lasted long after she died of cancer, I can tell you the most important things is the willingness to communicate and the willingness to put in the effort to make things better. My love for the ages didn't happen immediately. However if at your very core you are compatible, then the preference things don't matter (people mix up preferences and requirements way too much because they won't do the soul-searching required). The difference with my great love is we worked to figure out EXACTLY what the real problems were and we FIXED those and didn't let all the stupid irritation things become the issue. If you have a good relationship figure out what you think you are missing and work on it with your girl. And be willing to work on those important things to your girl. The most important words in a relationship are not "I love you" but rather "this is important to ME". None of us gets to determine what the other person thinks is important. A dum-dum example. I think celebrating birthdays is idiotic. However for very personal reasons they were important to my love so I made a big deal because SHE was important and it mattered to HER.  When you have a good working relationship, it gets better every day because you eliminate dum-dum issues every day. In a relationship where there is no real effort, it gets worse every day.

[Rodan45]

Gotta say, a lot of thoughtful responses that I didn't quite expect, but really appreciate, so first off, thank you. There's defiantly solid amounts of wisdom all around that I'm chewing over, which is exactly what I was hoping for.


Just a couple things to clear up that I didn't think of. I got no intention to cheat on her, I know Edited.  Profanity and masked profanity are against forum rules and may result in discipline. happens, but yeah if ever it came down to it I'd break up with her before I would cheat on her.

As for the topic of marriage, we've discussed it, I completely agree that communication is definitely the most important part of a relationship, basically she knows I'm not ready for that sort of commitment and she understands because she's going off to grad school herself and would be too involved in that for that sort of commitment. So no plans for marriage quite yet.


I guess I just need to take things one day at a time, and see how things go.

[mkogav]

So here's the deal:

I'm 22, about to graduate college real soon. Been dating this girl for 3 years, that I met in high school. We have awesome chemistry and s-e-x, and generally she is top notch wife material.

However I sometimes feel like i'm missing out by not being single. When I tell that to dudes that don't really know me they always say "ah man just get F'd up and slam some biddy." Thing is though, I'm real choosy with my women, don't like s-l-u-t-s, and despite being extroverted and confident, I don't like the party scene.

I wouldn't say I'm at a fork in the road quite yet, I love my girl and she's relatively drama free and has a good heart, but I can't help but wonder if what I'm doing by being in a long term relationship while we both attended different colleges and are really busy (me with a career soon) is a good move, or whether I'm being emotionally manipulated into it.

I don't have oneitis, I just know what I got is good, and it isn't the prospect of something better being out there that's getting me to think like this, but just sort of a self examination of my decisions.


So, any thoughts on the matter?   

Here's some advice from someone who is down the road a piece.

I would suggest sticking with your girl for a while b/c both of you are super young and seem to be a very good fit, but more importantly, one way or another, your situation will work itself out naturally. So don't force it... and don't cheat. Both of those paths will lead you away from your girl permanently.

On short term note though. I believe someone already posted something like this, but right now, communication is the key with your girl. If she doesn't know where u r at in ur head, things will unravel. If you haven't already, you may want to throw something like this out to her, "Because we have been together for so long and were still pretty young, do you ever feel like you are missing out on things?" You will probably be surprised by her answer. Oddly, it may also help relieve some of the pressure you are feeling.

Longer term, after college things tend to change a lot. You will both get jobs or go to grad school... maybe in different cities. Btw, make career/grad school choices based on  what's best for your/her career, not based on where the other one is moving to.

In the next couple years you and your girl will develop into the adults that your are going to be. At 25, 26, etc...  you will look back at your 22 year old self and think, "I didn't know anything back then". This is mostly because most every kid who goes to college, including myself, lives in a bit of a protected bubble until they are out of their own. 

Once you are both out on your own, this is where the deal breaker stuff will start to become more apparent, like how you both deal with $$$ stress, job changes, etc... You will also start meeting all sorts of new people on your jobs. That alone will tell you if you are not ready to commit. Even though you say that you don't want to sleep around, you will probably meet someone who peeks your interest.... she will to.

That is when you will know... one way or the other.

You may break up, break up&get back together, or just stay together the whole time, but if you are honest with yourself and her, at 30 you should be able to look back on your 20s and say, "no regrets'.

Mk