We begin with one storyline, a premise really, that you must understand up front:
1) The Lakers (at best) are a group of creepy scum bags who represent everything bad about professional sports. And they always have been. If you could equate them with a group of people from a movie, it would have to be those guys in the bar in The Accused. They know that they live in a world that will not punish them for any indiscretion. What might otherwise be mere narcissism, lust and bloodthirst, is free to swell into something much more dangerous and perverse.
Now, so you can hate them properly and profoundly, here they are, the Los Angeles Lakers:
No. 24, Kobe Bryant: He is one of the most talented players in the game, and he has four rings to prove it. But none of them is worth as much as the one he gave his wife. Not the wedding, of course, but the FOUR MILLION dollar ring he got her when he got busted for **having consensual intercourse with** a dunk, teenage girl. And even that hefty sum is dwarfed by the amount of wealth and power it took to keep him out of jail, protect his golden boy image and, above all, give him the confidence to do such a vile thing in the first place. But if you think an LA Laker superstar will ever learn his lesson, don't hold your breath. We're talking about the franchise of Magic Johnson and Wilt Chamberlain. One of them is dead, one of them has a death sentence, both of them had all of the restraint and purity of Michael Jackson. Does Kobe behave like he gives a wet fart about ANY of this? Why the hell would he? What has he EVER gotten for treating his wife, his kids, his teammates, his coaches or anyone else like a gas station urinal? Nothing but an endless flowing stream of riches, squealing fans, slobbering worship from the media and all the drunk teenage girls he can **have consensual intercourse with**
No. 37, Ron Artest: What else is there to say? If Ron Artest was a janitor, he’d be in prison. He went charging into the stands and assaulted a random skinny dude with glasses because some other spectator nailed him with a beer while he was lying on the scorer’s table, showboating, not paying attention and just being a real idiot. His selfish, psychotic action singlehandedly ignited a full-scale riot! But of course, Ron Artest is an NBA star, so his punishment is… a year-long vacation to kick it with his boys and promote his stupid rap album. The only time he DID get put behind bars was in ’07 when he repeatedly shoved a woman to the ground and forcibly stopped her from calling 911 while her 3-year-old daughter watched. Funny, I haven’t heard anyone on TV even MENTION that amid this glorious season of redemption for Ron-Ron. Now that he’s a Laker, it’s all about how he was really just a good guy all along who made some bad decisions. Hollywood is always willing to forgive a big bully who likes to attack smaller and weaker victims, whether you’re Charlie Sheen, Ron Artest or George Mikan, who was dogged by rumors of beating his wife and kids.
No. 16, Pau Gasol: before this gangly doofus was acquired from Memphis in return for a plate of nachos and a copy of Shrek 2 on DVD, his biggest claim to fame was his cameo in Napoleon Dynamite ("TINA, EAT THE FOOD!!"). Since then, he’s used his sparkling post play to lead the Lakers to an NBA title… by beating a team of Disneyworld poodles much like the one that the Celtics just put to sleep. The Big Llama is as yellow as his home jersey. He thinks that a defender’s body coming within a foot of his own is a foul, and he will argue this point with the refs until his already-gross facial hair is crusty with dried tears and mucus.
No. 7, Lamar Odom: His dad was a junkie and his mom died of colon cancer and one of his kids died from some other disease before he was a year old, so right off the bat, you know this guy isn’t from the warmest part of the gene pool. And in spite of all that, old Lamar has become a world champ (see: Disneyworld poodles) and, more importantly, a celebrity. Sounds like the script of a crappy movie. But that’s exactly what Odom wants to be: Mr. Hollywood. He wants to roll up to all the hottest clubs in the hottest cars and schmooze with the hottest people and be on the covers of all the magazines. He married a Kardashian because he wants to be more like the Kardashians (speaking of genetically challenged, right? Is it unreasonable to expect their fist child to be born with syphilis and a lobster tail?). He may not have the height or the post moves of Kareem and Shaq, but he has the same lust for celebrity.
No. 2, Derek Fisher: Another Laker who gets put on a pedestal because he makes two big shots (the ref-assisted 0.4 second shot and the one against Orlando) and wears yellow and purple. That’s more than enough to get you off the hook for spending 95% of your career chucking ugly threes and thinking that throwing cheap shots is the same as playing defense. Why not? The refs heart him almost as much as bimbos and mimbos in the stands and on ESPN. If it’s a game-winning situation and Fisher is on D, he can hit you with a Molotov cocktail and David Stern will praise his grey-shirted goons for a smart no-call… and he will do it with a straight face (the same goes double for Kobe).
No. 17, Andrew Bynum: Little Andy BaBy-numnum. You’ve got to feel sorry for this big-in-size, small-at-heart, clearly in-over-his-head manchild. But it’s hard to when he just keeps crying over things that the world owes him in addition to the fame, lifestyle and millions of dollars that come with being an NBA player. If it’s not the refs, it’s his teammates, his coach or whatever else isn’t perfect in his life. And we’re supposed to just kneel down and say “it’s okay big fella, everyone knows you’d be the best big man in the game if it weren’t for X, Y, Z and a million other things.”
No. 18, Sasha Vujacic: Actually, I’m not gonna lie. I love this guy. He could be a big game changer for the Celtics. I swoon over him when tries to guard Ray Allen, Rajon Rondo or Paul Pierce, and I giggle like a smitten school girl when he sits his greasy behind on the bench at starts to cry. I wish I could sit next to him and watch him cry with a big grin on my face.
Topic: Your Guide to Hating the Lakers (Read 1439 times)