A Panda walks into a bar and orders a burger. After he's finished eating, he pulls out a gun, shoots the man sitting next to him, and heads out of the pub. In stunned confusion, the bartender reaches for his dictionary and looks up "Panda: mammal. Eats shoots and leaves."
A pirate walked into a bar. He had a pegged leg, a hooked hand, and an eyepatch. The bartender says "hey there friend, you look pretty rugged. What happened?"
The pirate says, "well, when I was a young sailor, I was climbing the rigging and my leg got stuck in a rope and was cut clean off!" The bartender says, "tough luck, what next?" The pirate says "well, a few years later we were sailing away from an enemy ship, and a cannonball took my hand clean off!" "And your eye" the bartender asked? "Well, I was standing on the deck, looked up, and a seagull pooped in my eye!" The bartender says, "that's enough, you can't lose your eye from a seagull pooping in it!" The pirate says, "you can if it's your first day with your new hook!"