My girl is very upset with me and I need advice.

[clover]

As an old man who had a long unfulfilling marriage and divorce and later a "love for the ages" that ended with her dying from cancer in my arms telling her how much I loved her, I might have some good advice for you. With a bad relationship, every setback leaves a scar. With a good one, every setback creates better understanding through communication and more trust. Fights are almost never about the issue being discussed but by deeper ones. If your girlfriend is feeling insecure, it may be because it is not clear to her what she means to you. And you need to figure out what that means. Love is defined as "unqualified positive regard" which means you don't love "although, but or except". My late love had a zillion flaws/quirks/weaknesses etc which irritated me on an hourly and daily basis. However in fact none of them mattered because I valued her beyond words for what she meant to me. I was a hardass engineering manager but she made my knees buckle because she knew every horrible flaw about me and still called me her hero so the feeling was mutual. You have to strip away all the "preferences" and get down to the core "requirements" that make each of us unique. If she meets all of those "requirements" you need to explain them to her at an emotional level. She will then know how much she means to you.
If she doesn't meet those core requirements, take the ring and run as far and as fast as you can..
By the way, the reverse is also true. She has to value you the same way. If she doesn't, you should also take the ring and run as fast as you can.
By the way, I am positive if my great love had a chance to run off with Sean Connery for a vacation,she would have been gone in an instant-LOL. However I knew she would come back to me. Jealousy doesn't come about in a true relationship because the other person always know how much they are valued.

Two Tommy Points for you, oldmanspeaks--that's just a great post.

[SShoreFan 2.0]

As an old man who had a long unfulfilling marriage and divorce and later a "love for the ages" that ended with her dying from cancer in my arms telling her how much I loved her, I might have some good advice for you. With a bad relationship, every setback leaves a scar. With a good one, every setback creates better understanding through communication and more trust. Fights are almost never about the issue being discussed but by deeper ones. If your girlfriend is feeling insecure, it may be because it is not clear to her what she means to you. And you need to figure out what that means. Love is defined as "unqualified positive regard" which means you don't love "although, but or except". My late love had a zillion flaws/quirks/weaknesses etc which irritated me on an hourly and daily basis. However in fact none of them mattered because I valued her beyond words for what she meant to me. I was a hardass engineering manager but she made my knees buckle because she knew every horrible flaw about me and still called me her hero so the feeling was mutual. You have to strip away all the "preferences" and get down to the core "requirements" that make each of us unique. If she meets all of those "requirements" you need to explain them to her at an emotional level. She will then know how much she means to you.
If she doesn't meet those core requirements, take the ring and run as far and as fast as you can..
By the way, the reverse is also true. She has to value you the same way. If she doesn't, you should also take the ring and run as fast as you can.
By the way, I am positive if my great love had a chance to run off with Sean Connery for a vacation,she would have been gone in an instant-LOL. However I knew she would come back to me. Jealousy doesn't come about in a true relationship because the other person always know how much they are valued.

Amen.

[Potapenko Boxout]

i'm not sure if i support this thread at all

[JSD]

As an old man who had a long unfulfilling marriage and divorce and later a "love for the ages" that ended with her dying from cancer in my arms telling her how much I loved her, I might have some good advice for you. With a bad relationship, every setback leaves a scar. With a good one, every setback creates better understanding through communication and more trust. Fights are almost never about the issue being discussed but by deeper ones. If your girlfriend is feeling insecure, it may be because it is not clear to her what she means to you. And you need to figure out what that means. Love is defined as "unqualified positive regard" which means you don't love "although, but or except". My late love had a zillion flaws/quirks/weaknesses etc which irritated me on an hourly and daily basis. However in fact none of them mattered because I valued her beyond words for what she meant to me. I was a hardass engineering manager but she made my knees buckle because she knew every horrible flaw about me and still called me her hero so the feeling was mutual. You have to strip away all the "preferences" and get down to the core "requirements" that make each of us unique. If she meets all of those "requirements" you need to explain them to her at an emotional level. She will then know how much she means to you.
If she doesn't meet those core requirements, take the ring and run as far and as fast as you can..
By the way, the reverse is also true. She has to value you the same way. If she doesn't, you should also take the ring and run as fast as you can.
By the way, I am positive if my great love had a chance to run off with Sean Connery for a vacation,she would have been gone in an instant-LOL. However I knew she would come back to me. Jealousy doesn't come about in a true relationship because the other person always know how much they are valued.

Tp when I have to hold back Man tears. well said, and thanks for your two cents.

[TheReaLPuba]

A compliment and your relationship is on the rocks?

Your gf needs to grow up.

[ACF]

As an old man who had a long unfulfilling marriage and divorce and later a "love for the ages" that ended with her dying from cancer in my arms telling her how much I loved her, I might have some good advice for you. With a bad relationship, every setback leaves a scar. With a good one, every setback creates better understanding through communication and more trust. Fights are almost never about the issue being discussed but by deeper ones. If your girlfriend is feeling insecure, it may be because it is not clear to her what she means to you. And you need to figure out what that means. Love is defined as "unqualified positive regard" which means you don't love "although, but or except". My late love had a zillion flaws/quirks/weaknesses etc which irritated me on an hourly and daily basis. However in fact none of them mattered because I valued her beyond words for what she meant to me. I was a hardass engineering manager but she made my knees buckle because she knew every horrible flaw about me and still called me her hero so the feeling was mutual. You have to strip away all the "preferences" and get down to the core "requirements" that make each of us unique. If she meets all of those "requirements" you need to explain them to her at an emotional level. She will then know how much she means to you.
If she doesn't meet those core requirements, take the ring and run as far and as fast as you can..
By the way, the reverse is also true. She has to value you the same way. If she doesn't, you should also take the ring and run as fast as you can.
By the way, I am positive if my great love had a chance to run off with Sean Connery for a vacation,she would have been gone in an instant-LOL. However I knew she would come back to me. Jealousy doesn't come about in a true relationship because the other person always know how much they are valued.

That's the best post (and advice)
I've read all day. You've hit it
right on the nail in regards to
how a relationship must be. I've
always felt that as long as the
positives outweigh the negatives,
it's worth fighting for the love
you share. Just like life, love is
not always sunny and happy-go-lucky.
Sometimes it's plain ugly. But mostly
it's just beautiful...
I want to thank you on behalf of Jsaad.
I'm sure your advice will help him!
A well deserved Tommy Point for you, oms

[bbc3341]

Alright, here was my dad's advice on my wedding day. He said I was making a commitment to my wife, but also to the idea of marriage, and that if I was serious I would conduct myself thusly: If I got on an elevator and a woman got on and we were the only ones on the elevator, I would immediately get off. Now, that's to the extreme, but it was to make a point: don't ever do anything that your partner could misconstrue as inappropriate, or that could eventually lead to straying. It's an old cliche, but if you stay away from the flame, you won't ever get burned...

[guava_wrench]

As an old man who had a long unfulfilling marriage and divorce and later a "love for the ages" that ended with her dying from cancer in my arms telling her how much I loved her, I might have some good advice for you. With a bad relationship, every setback leaves a scar. With a good one, every setback creates better understanding through communication and more trust. Fights are almost never about the issue being discussed but by deeper ones. If your girlfriend is feeling insecure, it may be because it is not clear to her what she means to you. And you need to figure out what that means. Love is defined as "unqualified positive regard" which means you don't love "although, but or except". My late love had a zillion flaws/quirks/weaknesses etc which irritated me on an hourly and daily basis. However in fact none of them mattered because I valued her beyond words for what she meant to me. I was a hardass engineering manager but she made my knees buckle because she knew every horrible flaw about me and still called me her hero so the feeling was mutual. You have to strip away all the "preferences" and get down to the core "requirements" that make each of us unique. If she meets all of those "requirements" you need to explain them to her at an emotional level. She will then know how much she means to you.
If she doesn't meet those core requirements, take the ring and run as far and as fast as you can..
By the way, the reverse is also true. She has to value you the same way. If she doesn't, you should also take the ring and run as fast as you can.
By the way, I am positive if my great love had a chance to run off with Sean Connery for a vacation,she would have been gone in an instant-LOL. However I knew she would come back to me. Jealousy doesn't come about in a true relationship because the other person always know how much they are valued.

TP

I love you guys.

 

[newdusk]

I'm at the same 2.5-3 year mark and I got to say it's all similar. The biggest difference is I have not given my girl that ring yet.

The thing is the girl thinks that you are a pig now. She probably thinks you are getting pleasure from other women (even if its in your mind). And if your honest with yourself a 24 year old guy is pretty much the same as a 15 year old kid. It sounds like you are still hoarding women just in case this one does not work out and you just cannot do that anymore, that time has passed. It's not that you cannot have friends of the opposite sex but it's like one of the posters said before you got to make sacrifices, those women will always be there you don't need layaway.

For me it's a huge ego boost when a women looks my way and flashes me a smile or a nod but that but that whole "love at first site" is somewhat BS. With men it's lust if she turns out to be really cool and all that jazz then it's love. Your fantasy's belong to you but you should not put them on display for the public to see.

At this point it's hard to commit to what your going to eat for dinner? When you do commit to something there is no certainty it's like the Celtics making the Garnett trade. The odds of winning a championship were high but there were no guarantees.

Your living in the "Information/misinformation/no such thing as the truth" age. Every truth is twisted every feeling is known and every line of privacy is crossed. There is no such thing as perfect, you have a better chance of finding Santa Claus. Just be sure you always work things out and that the connection is really there.

[LarBrd33]

Jsaad...

I just figured out what your "Comment" was.  

You think that's bad?  That's NOTHING.   Check this out...

I have a nutty stepfather who use to hate me, because we  had nothing in common.  When I was 13, I had low self esteem and was a bit anti-social.   When I would visit my mother in Florida, I would basically hang around, go swimming and play video games.  He didn't understand why I wasn't out chasing chicks, has no interest in girls and didn't like to party.  Seriously, the guy had no respect for me, because I was just a goofy 13 year old.

Flash forward 11 years.   I was having a conversation with my mom on AIM (I live in Seattle and she lives in Florida) and she was asking me about the girl I was dating.  The girl was pretty darn cute and I sent my mom a couple pictures of her.  She then proceeded to freak out about how "gorgeous" the girl was and said, "hold on... I have to show Fred (her husband)".   So suddenly my prick step father is talking to me online and says, "Show me the blonde!".    At this point, I felt like my mom had overhyped the whole thing.  I mean, the girl was a cutie but she wasn't Jessica Alba or something.   So I felt the need to temper his expectations and undersell it.   What would you do in this situation?  Here's what I told him.

"Haha... I mean... she's not that hot.  It's not serious... just some chick I'm banging... haha...  but here is the picture."     I sent him the picture.  He proceeded to give me many "WOAH!  WELL DONE MY MAN!! WELL DONE!!" comments... and I felt great joy in my catch.  Lol...

Guess what?  

You can probably see where this is going...

I left the [dang] AIM chat window open.    I had the girl over that night.  She slept over.   In the morning, I went to make breakfast while she used my computer to surf the net.    We had plans to go boating that day.  She had been excited all week about going boating (since she didn't know anyone with a boat).  It was for Seattle's "SeaFair"... so we were out on the water all day swimming in the lake and watching the blue angels fly over our heads.   She seemed a little distant the entire day and I couldn't figure out why.  She was a little passive aggressive with me and I couldn't figure out why.   Finally when the day was over and we were heading back to the house she said something along the lines of, "too bad I'm not that hot and just some chick you are banging."

She proceeded to ball her eyes out.  I tried to explain to her the whole stepfather/son relationship and to take it into context, but it was way too late.   I broke her heart.  I've never felt so bad in my entire life.  Seriously.  Never felt so bad.  That was exactly one year ago yesterday (Sea Fair was yesterday).   Haven't seen her since...

Your fiance SERIOUSLY needs to get over that entirely innocent comment.  That was NOTHING.

Completely different story, but related...    

I spent three years living with an ex girlfriend of mine (completely different girl... yeah I know... i have some pretty big disasters in my dating life and I'm only 26).    I was playing with some game on her cell phone and did what any other guy would have done... I started checking her text messages.    ...  I found a bunch of text messages between her and some mexican co-worker (who was married) where he was basically saying he wanted her to send nude pictures.  Her response was something like... "haha... if I send you nudes it will not be what you expect... I'll be covering my important areas."  and he responded with "deal."...   I was pretty angry about the thing, but we were able to keep that disaster relationship going for at least another year after that.  Certainly had a long talk with her, but we worked it out...  Lol

Edit:  I have to keep adding to this, because I can relate to it too much.   I guess I had blocked out a lot of these memories.  Now that I think about it, there was another incident with the same girl from above.  About a year prior she was working at a completely different place with a completely different co-worker.   We both used the same computer and would use Trillian to chat.  If you're not familiar with Trillian, it's basically a program that lets you chat on AIM, MSN, Yahoo, ICQ and IRC all at the same time.  Well I didn't realize it at the time, but Trillian keeps logs of every single conversation you've ever had on it (unless you keep the default settings).  So again... I did with probably 80% of the guys on this forum would do... I started reading her chat logs.  I know it was the wrong thing to do  (probably have a bit of jealously and lack of trust as well... but in the interest of honestly I'll admit it was just too intriguing an opportunity to pass up).   So I start reading her AIM conversations and find some conversation with this fellow named Brian that she works with.   At one point she asked him specifics on umm... how well endowed he was.  Again, that one was tougher to bring up, because I felt a little stalker-ish, but still... you gotta take that stuff in context.

[Las Vegas Asian]

Yeah, buy her something. That'll fix everything for sure.

Hey it worked out well for Kobe!!! 

[RickyDavisfor3]

I just spent a bit of time passing out a lot of Tommy Points to those who really opened up, to those who gave great advice, and to those who have tried to help.
JS, Follow your heart and if her heart then follows you, you'll know that it is true.
I really hope this all works out for you, you seem to have been honest with me so I honestly hope that the best happens for you.
RD43

[bucknersrevenge]

Jsaad...

I just figured out what your "Comment" was. 

You think that's bad?  That's NOTHING.   Check this out...

I have a nutty stepfather who use to hate me, because we  had nothing in common.  When I was 13, I had low self esteem and was a bit anti-social.   When I would visit my mother in Florida, I would basically hang around, go swimming and play video games.  He didn't understand why I wasn't out chasing chicks, has no interest in girls and didn't like to party.  Seriously, the guy had no respect for me, because I was just a goofy 13 year old.

Flash forward 11 years.   I was having a conversation with my mom on AIM (I live in Seattle and she lives in Florida) and she was asking me about the girl I was dating.  The girl was pretty darn cute and I sent my mom a couple pictures of her.  She then proceeded to freak out about how "gorgeous" the girl was and said, "hold on... I have to show Fred (her husband)".   So suddenly my prick step father is talking to me online and says, "Show me the blonde!".    At this point, I felt like my mom had overhyped the whole thing.  I mean, the girl was a cutie but she wasn't Jessica Alba or something.   So I felt the need to temper his expectations and undersell it.   What would you do in this situation?  Here's what I told him.

"Haha... I mean... she's not that hot.  It's not serious... just some chick I'm banging... haha...  but here is the picture."     I sent him the picture.  He proceeded to give me many "WOAH!  WELL DONE MY MAN!! WELL DONE!!" comments... and I felt great joy in my catch.  Lol...

Guess what? 

You can probably see where this is going...

I left the [dang] AIM chat window open.    I had the girl over that night.  She slept over.   In the morning, I went to make breakfast while she used my computer to surf the net.    We had plans to go boating that day.  She had been excited all week about going boating (since she didn't know anyone with a boat).  It was for Seattle's "SeaFair"... so we were out on the water all day swimming in the lake and watching the blue angels fly over our heads.   She seemed a little distant the entire day and I couldn't figure out why.  She was a little passive aggressive with me and I couldn't figure out why.   Finally when the day was over and we were heading back to the house she said something along the lines of, "too bad I'm not that hot and just some chick you are banging."

She proceeded to ball her eyes out.  I tried to explain to her the whole stepfather/son relationship and to take it into context, but it was way too late.   I broke her heart.  I've never felt so bad in my entire life.  Seriously.  Never felt so bad.  That was exactly one year ago yesterday (Sea Fair was yesterday).   Haven't seen her since...

Your fiance SERIOUSLY needs to get over that entirely innocent comment.  That was NOTHING.

Completely different story, but related...   

I spent three years living with an ex girlfriend of mine (completely different girl... yeah I know... i have some pretty big disasters in my dating life and I'm only 26).    I was playing with some game on her cell phone and did what any other guy would have done... I started checking her text messages.     ...  I found a bunch of text messages between her and some mexican co-worker (who was married) where he was basically saying he wanted her to send nude pictures.  Her response was something like... "haha... if I send you nudes it will not be what you expect... I'll be covering my important areas."  and he responded with "deal."...   I was pretty angry about the thing, but we were able to keep that disaster relationship going for at least another year after that.  Certainly had a long talk with her, but we worked it out...  Lol

Edit:  I have to keep adding to this, because I can relate to it too much.   I guess I had blocked out a lot of these memories.  Now that I think about it, there was another incident with the same girl from above.  About a year prior she was working at a completely different place with a completely different co-worker.   We both used the same computer and would use Trillian to chat.  If you're not familiar with Trillian, it's basically a program that lets you chat on AIM, MSN, Yahoo, ICQ and IRC all at the same time.  Well I didn't realize it at the time, but Trillian keeps logs of every single conversation you've ever had on it (unless you keep the default settings).  So again... I did with probably 80% of the guys on this forum would do... I started reading her chat logs.  I know it was the wrong thing to do  (probably have a bit of jealously and lack of trust as well... but in the interest of honestly I'll admit it was just too intriguing an opportunity to pass up).   So I start reading her AIM conversations and find some conversation with this fellow named Brian that she works with.   At one point she asked him specifics on umm... how well endowed he was.  Again, that one was tougher to bring up, because I felt a little stalker-ish, but still... you gotta take that stuff in context.

Jesus LB, you are a force of nature...

[bucknersrevenge]

As an old man who had a long unfulfilling marriage and divorce and later a "love for the ages" that ended with her dying from cancer in my arms telling her how much I loved her, I might have some good advice for you. With a bad relationship, every setback leaves a scar. With a good one, every setback creates better understanding through communication and more trust. Fights are almost never about the issue being discussed but by deeper ones. If your girlfriend is feeling insecure, it may be because it is not clear to her what she means to you. And you need to figure out what that means. Love is defined as "unqualified positive regard" which means you don't love "although, but or except". My late love had a zillion flaws/quirks/weaknesses etc which irritated me on an hourly and daily basis. However in fact none of them mattered because I valued her beyond words for what she meant to me. I was a hardass engineering manager but she made my knees buckle because she knew every horrible flaw about me and still called me her hero so the feeling was mutual. You have to strip away all the "preferences" and get down to the core "requirements" that make each of us unique. If she meets all of those "requirements" you need to explain them to her at an emotional level. She will then know how much she means to you.
If she doesn't meet those core requirements, take the ring and run as far and as fast as you can..
By the way, the reverse is also true. She has to value you the same way. If she doesn't, you should also take the ring and run as fast as you can.
By the way, I am positive if my great love had a chance to run off with Sean Connery for a vacation,she would have been gone in an instant-LOL. However I knew she would come back to me. Jealousy doesn't come about in a true relationship because the other person always know how much they are valued.

Tp when I question have to hold back Man tears. well said, and thanks for your two cents.

Jsaad, you need to make sure you do NOT forget to ask her why she was going through your Myspace anyway. you dont have to bring it up right away cuz that might sound defensive but when you do talk again you really need to ask her as calmly as possible why she needed to do that.

[Roy Hobbs]

As an old man who had a long unfulfilling marriage and divorce and later a "love for the ages" that ended with her dying from cancer in my arms telling her how much I loved her, I might have some good advice for you. With a bad relationship, every setback leaves a scar. With a good one, every setback creates better understanding through communication and more trust. Fights are almost never about the issue being discussed but by deeper ones. If your girlfriend is feeling insecure, it may be because it is not clear to her what she means to you. And you need to figure out what that means. Love is defined as "unqualified positive regard" which means you don't love "although, but or except". My late love had a zillion flaws/quirks/weaknesses etc which irritated me on an hourly and daily basis. However in fact none of them mattered because I valued her beyond words for what she meant to me. I was a hardass engineering manager but she made my knees buckle because she knew every horrible flaw about me and still called me her hero so the feeling was mutual. You have to strip away all the "preferences" and get down to the core "requirements" that make each of us unique. If she meets all of those "requirements" you need to explain them to her at an emotional level. She will then know how much she means to you.
If she doesn't meet those core requirements, take the ring and run as far and as fast as you can..
By the way, the reverse is also true. She has to value you the same way. If she doesn't, you should also take the ring and run as fast as you can.
By the way, I am positive if my great love had a chance to run off with Sean Connery for a vacation,she would have been gone in an instant-LOL. However I knew she would come back to me. Jealousy doesn't come about in a true relationship because the other person always know how much they are valued.

Tp when I question have to hold back Man tears. well said, and thanks for your two cents.

Jsaad, you need to make sure you do NOT forget to ask her why she was going through your Myspace anyway. you dont have to bring it up right away cuz that might sound defensive but when you do talk again you really need to ask her as calmly as possible why she needed to do that.

No doubt.