How do I handle this situation? We are friends. We also have benefits. We are friends with benefits. But things aren’t as good as they seem. She gets more secretive every day. She lies more every day. We recently got into an argument and now we’re ignoring each other. I don’t know how it all started. I don’t want to lose her. But who wants to play these games?
I guess it all started when I wanted to stay the night. It wasn’t necessarily out of attachment. When it’s late, you live far away, and you’ve had a few drinks in you, sometimes you just want to stay the night. She wouldn’t let me. Fine. Whatever. But then I found out she lets some other guy, who she swears by is just a friend, stay the night in the “guest room.”
Speaking of that guy, she never told me about him until I pressed her. She wasn’t quick enough to think of a lie and she spilled the beans. It’s not even the matter of who gets to stay and who doesn’t. It’s the lying, the secrecy, and the deceit. How ‘bout a little honesty?
Sometimes she blatantly talks to other guys on her phone in front of me. And I think, “I just can’t take part in this.” She’s not a young girl. She’s supposed to be a professional with a career. Other times she will withhold information from me until the last minute. Not terribly big things. But enough to bother you. I haven’t even mentioned how hypocritical she can be. She seems to hold me to a higher standard, puts me down, and then hangs out with schlubs in her down time.
One you get past all that stuff, we can have some fun together. We talk all the time. We seem to have a lot in common in terms of temperament. And we are really comfortable around each other. But sometimes she makes me sick with jealousy. Other times I think to myself, “Why am I even bothering with this?” If we have fun together, why does she purposely, as it clearly seems to me, try and upset me?
What’s the best way to handle a situation like this?
Hate to say it, (because you clearly find her exceptional), but there is no type of relationship that can consistently survive without honesty. It's pretty clear that this woman has a very tenuous grasp on truthfulness, and that's one of the core essentials to a healthy, lasting bond.
If you're not
looking for anything serious right now, then it's a trade-off between what you're willing to sacrifice for what you're getting in return, (yeah, simple economics, I know, but that's what it comes down to). When you're bringing up monogamy, though, I assume you want something lasting and substantive.
There's nothing that will destroy a relationship faster than deceit, (except maybe financial problems), and nothing that's more important for building something that will stand the test of time, along with friendship and a sense of humor.
The head games trip is pretty destructive and detrimental as well, as it undermines your ability to learn those little things that help assess her character and attitudes. Honestly, Dude, when I first read your post I thought: 'Man, if that was me I'd
run, not walk, in the other direction.', but that's always easy for an observer to say.
That's also how important faithfulness and honesty are, though, and how quickly a lack of them will shake the foundation of any relationship. There are so many great women who are looking for a guy who values those traits, and playing games with
this one, is just wasting time and energy that could be being spent on pursuit of something more real and more lasting.
Not claiming I know all the answers, by any means, just throwing things out as I see them, and how experience has taught me personally. All the best, Dude, but it sounds like you're selling yourself short if you think this chick is worth putting up with games, deception and questionable behavior.
You're worth more than that.
Topic: How Do I Handle This Situation? (Read 19292 times)