I don't get it man.. what happened? (Ex girlfriend story)

[danglertx]

I'll tell you what the 42yr old me now would tell the 21yr old me if he could.  But the 21yr old me probably wouldn't listen.

It is, life is short, especially that 21-29 time when you have no responsibilities and get to have real fun.  Don't waste your time or effort on her.  You have to make memories to talk about when you are 35+ with kids and a real job.

If she is this much drama now, how do you think it will get when you have kids, bills, and the lust is gone.  Move on.  Don't be friends, not to punish her or make her jealous but to free yourself.  Being in the friend zone is great for girls but a total waste for guys.  When she finds a guy you will get dumped as a friend anyway.  A new guy isn't going to want an old boyfriend hanging around.

You'll never get anything out of being her security blanket but dragged around with fraying edges and stains you can't remember getting.

Let me also add, I don't talk to a single ex of mine.  Like at all, ever.  I'd wager you will be the same at 42.  Kick her out and cut her off.  In the end you will be helping both of you.

[outcry]

Always live by this: "Don't crap where you eat." I've been through this twice, and it was the worst mistakes I've ever made in my life. Dating co-workers NEVER works out in the end unless they get a transfer or another job. Like others have already said, you need to cut her loose ASAP. Let her go out and do whatever she wants. I feel bad for saying it, but it's over. She wants to be your friend to string you along when she's having emotional difficulties with other men. Go out and have fun and ignoring her is the best option for your emotional well being. Good luck.

[PhoSita]

Here's the reality, you're 21 and she's 19. Chances are you guys probably aren't getting married, 99% of people ur age don't. My advice is from 21-25 just have fun and be single, no girl you meet during that time period is going to be that serious. Relationships are just a pain in the ass during those stages in life, just have fun.

Love lock down is much later in life when you can have a real relationship. I'm sure this sucks now, but dude she sounds like she wants to just **** around with other guys. She will do date and have sex with ****bags/bad boys until she gets her fill. Then around 26, she wakes up and wants a nice guy. Thats how it always goes.


Leave it alone, break it off and you will forget about her. Really easy my friend.

Now go out and makeout with a random chick at a club somewhere.

Some of this may be true for a lot of people -- even most people -- but it definitely isn't true for everybody.

It may happen that the best friend you'll ever have is a young man or woman you meet when you're 21-25.  Maybe that person is somebody you can build a life with.  It may be the case for some people that sacrificing the opportunity to "play the field" and "just have fun" is more than worth it.

The hook-up culture life is not the best for every 20-something.

I'm sure that there is truth in what you said for many people, but I can say from personal experience that for some people, even at that stage in life, it's possible to have real, meaningful relationships, and far from being a pain in the ass, they actually make life much easier and more enjoyable.

[LarBrd33]

She sounds like a 19 year old trollop that will just cause you frustration.  You're a naive 21 year old boy.  Let her go and move on with your life.  You probably shouldn't even think about settling down until you're nearing 30.  You need to sew your wild oats.  Get it out of your system when you're young.  You are both far too young for a serious relationship.  You don't even understand yourself at this point let alone what you want/need in a partner.   I was stuck in a terrible relationship for 3 years from age 19-21.  Then I tried online dating for a while... went out on dates with easily over 100 different girls over the next 7-8 years until meeting a girl I legitimately enjoyed being around.  I'm only 30... I still don't know what the heck I'm doing.  There are people far wiser than myself on this forum.  But I sure as heck know that at 21 I was clueless and my life would have been a disaster had I stuck in that first serious relationship.

As I'm sure everyone else is saying, you're going to look back on this little 6 month fling and laugh about how silly you were. 

I mean really... what's the chances that your serious match just happened to be some teenage strumpet who worked at the same job as you.   It's a big world out there...  she's just some random.

Also... from age 19-25 people tend to change dramatically.  There's pretty much a 1% chance of it ever actually working out with this child harlot long-term.  Plus, if you live in the Northeast, there's a high probability she's going to gain 50 pounds and succumb to a crippling drug addiction over the next few years anyways. 
 

[Kane3387]

These are the same pieces of information I gave my little brother in a similar situation at a similar age. Worked like a charm for him, it will work for you.

If you ever want her back step one is to cut her out. Don't talk to her, don't text her, don't email her. Don't hangout with her. Don't talk about her, not like in a melodramatic 'don't mention her name around me' kind of thing, but if she comes up in conversation and you have to put something in, just say you really hope shes happy and that's about all you think about it.

Step 2 is to be extremely social otherwise. Go out, see your friends, act like you're in a really, really good place. Don't make up a girlfriend in Canada or anything, but just act like everything is okay and you'd like next in beerpong, and that's about all you have to say about it.

If this is one of those 'friends first, then more, now less' things, and there is any hope for redemption on the romantic front, she'll recognize that her life is worse off without you.

But if there isn't hope for redemption romantically, my plan is also the fastest way towards your own recovery from the relationship. Two birds, one plan.

This is the best course of action. Manipulate the situation to meet your needs. She sees you aren't putting her on a pedestal and she won't be able to stand that. Or very likely you'll run into a couple more options. At your age, and really when you're single, the worst thing to do is get caught up on one girl. The more options you have the more you're in control of your emotions then a chick is.

il you're nearing 30.  You need to sew your wild oats.  Get it out of your system

This too man. Don't put yourself in a situation where you regret some missed opportunities when in your physical prime. Otherwise you'll try to make up for it at an older age and that can be expensive. At 21 go talk to not just the 19 year olds but anyone up to 40 iff they're attractive. Stay single and have fun. Be safe but let nature do its thing.

[ronaldo943]

She sounds like a 19 year old trollop that will just cause you frustration.  You're a naive 21 year old boy.  Let her go and move on with your life.  You probably shouldn't even think about settling down until you're nearing 30.  You need to sew your wild oats.  Get it out of your system when you're young.  You are both far too young for a serious relationship.  You don't even understand yourself at this point let alone what you want/need in a partner.   I was stuck in a terrible relationship for 3 years from age 19-21.  Then I tried online dating for a while... went out on dates with easily over 100 different girls over the next 7-8 years until meeting a girl I legitimately enjoyed being around.  I'm only 30... I still don't know what the heck I'm doing.  There are people far wiser than myself on this forum.  But I sure as heck know that at 21 I was clueless and my life would have been a disaster had I stuck in that first serious relationship.

As I'm sure everyone else is saying, you're going to look back on this little 6 month fling and laugh about how silly you were. 

I mean really... what's the chances that your serious match just happened to be some teenage strumpet who worked at the same job as you.   It's a big world out there...  she's just some random.

Also... from age 19-25 people tend to change dramatically.  There's pretty much a 1% chance of it ever actually working out with this child harlot long-term.  Plus, if you live in the Northeast, there's a high probability she's going to gain 50 pounds and succumb to a crippling drug addiction over the next few years anyways.

TP.

[clover]

These are the same pieces of information I gave my little brother in a similar situation at a similar age. Worked like a charm for him, it will work for you.

If you ever want her back step one is to cut her out. Don't talk to her, don't text her, don't email her. Don't hangout with her. Don't talk about her, not like in a melodramatic 'don't mention her name around me' kind of thing, but if she comes up in conversation and you have to put something in, just say you really hope shes happy and that's about all you think about it.

Step 2 is to be extremely social otherwise. Go out, see your friends, act like you're in a really, really good place. Don't make up a girlfriend in Canada or anything, but just act like everything is okay and you'd like next in beerpong, and that's about all you have to say about it.

If this is one of those 'friends first, then more, now less' things, and there is any hope for redemption on the romantic front, she'll recognize that her life is worse off without you.

But if there isn't hope for redemption romantically, my plan is also the fastest way towards your own recovery from the relationship. Two birds, one plan.

The problem is you guys aren't getting is..

We work together, and we live together for the moment.

Should I still be friendly and cordial with her for now?

My rule of thumbs when broken up are

1) Go out with your homies/friends. Get drunk, do whatever, but have fun and be very social.

2) I usually cut off contact. If she initiates contact, I'll say something casual, but not overly friendly to where its a conversation. Its usually yeah everything's good. And leave it at that, or cut it short saying I gotta go.

3) And then I pretty much focus harder on working out, and I'll probably pick up a double shift to feel a little better when I'm tired.

EDIT:

I gotta say yet again, I'm very happy a lot of people are reading my problems and responding.

I always been a guest member, and never made an account when I could've in 2009-2010. But I regret I didn't. You guys are making it feel a lot better for this pill to swallow. I do appreciate your guys comments and reading. It really means a lot, and this already feels like a family to me.

Great general advice, IP.

Yeah, he's got to be cordial and cool until she moves out, and IMO doesn't need to specify whether he'll still be friends with her afterwards.

But a 19yo who either rightly or wrongly perceives she's so few people in her life who cares about her isn't emotionally mature and balanced.  Tripling up on girlfriend/roommate/coworker in that situation is a likely disaster, so getting her to move out is a good first step.  The good news: she's got a job, so should be able to make do with another roommate situation.

Once she's out, IP's advice, coupled with be cordial and professional at work is the way to go.  Chances are that you're not as mature as you think you are at 21 if this is the situation you want to be in a serious relationship with.  But a little more distance and time could show whether the two of you want to grow up together in a less overloaded environment.

Yeah I know what you mean. But I am mature, I've dealt with this situation.

It just led to my mother going back to Korea, because she was suffering from an illness, and staying there cause she's lonely. And my best friend getting killed by a drunk driver two weeks ago.

All of this plus I'm struggling to pay for school and rent is all piling up.

I understand the situation though.

I have no formal ties except anything formal until she moves out. When she does move out, I don't need to be buddy buddy with her work. She's just a friend, or a co-worker/acquaintance. I owe her nothing. If anything I've given her a living space when she needed me in my time of need. And she sort of took advantage of that.

I need to move on, and I need to start caring about me.

I wouldn't want to be with a woman who does that sort of thing, regardless of her age. Flirting with guys, and admitting she had a crush one of the other cook is definitely a red flag for me.

I just needed re-assurance, and something for me to go on by.

Yeah, it does sound as if you're seeing the situation pretty clearly.

Good luck.

[PaulPierce34G]

She says she's going to move out today.

Is it right for me to be concerned where she's going, because I seriously doubt she found a place by now, or should I just ignore it? Half of me doesn't really care, and the other half wants to make sure at least she isn't exactly living in her car.

I mean, you're concerned about her.  And I'd hope that you would be.

As much as I agree with other people who say it's important for you to get some distance from this person -- and important for her to do the same with you -- I do want to caution against an attitude of "there are lots of fish in the sea" or whatever.

This person trusted you enough to confide in you that you are one of the few people in her life that she feels actually cares about her.  Without knowing her I can't say if that was just her being manipulative or if that was a sincere, earnest statement.  Either way, having that said to you places a tremendous responsibility on your shoulders.  That's a big weight to carry, especially with somebody that you maybe haven't known that long.  In some ways it's not fair of her to put that on you.  If being there for her makes you unhappy, then it can't really work. 

Still, I think it's probably important for you to try to communicate to this person that while you feel like you need to have some distance from her for now, you still care about her and you want to be there for her, eventually, when you're both ready.  Otherwise, if she feels like she's really laid herself bare and trusted you as a person she can depend on, and you become cold and turn her out, it may ruin any chance there is that you can be friends in the future.

While I think there is some real truth to this, this is a VERY slippery slope. 

I think as a good person, you never want to kick someone out on the street, if you do not believe they have any place to go.  So, I think from that sense, he should absolutely at least try to confirm she has a place to go.  I think that is just general human decency.  I think it is reasonable that he put his feelings aside in the (very) short term, to make sure he is sending her out into a safe environment.  If only for his own piece of mind.

I guess I've seen too many manipulators to care all that much about where her landing spot is going to be.  She says she can leave, let her leave.  It's not MH's responsibility any more.

This girl has a mother who has kicked her out.  She has a sister that she objected to because the sister wanted her to study all the time.  Those sound like two great resources.

Amen! Who cares where she is going?  She is 19, legally an adult.  It's her choice.  See you later. 

Seriously though, tell her you'll see her around and that's it.  If she is rushing to get out, that's her choice.  Wherever she is going, good luck to her.  Don't show her weakness of any kind...never do that.  It'll make you look like a p**sy.  Like I said, don't get tempted and text her or anything.  Just leave everything alone now.  Just be strong, man.  It'll get better.  Always does...

[dark_lord]

cut her loose and move on completely.  she is 19 and has some issues.  ur too young to be tied down to someone with drama like that.  enjoy being around your friends and family more and be patient for the right girl to come around

[Sizzlack]

I've been dating my girlfriend for 6 and half months. We're almost on 7. She's 19, and I'm 21. We’re co-workers, and don’t work the same shifts. We got very close, and she said before, "you're the only person in my life except for my older sister that cares about me." Now the thing is, her mother kicked her out, so I told her, "just stay with me then." I know moving in was a mistake, but I did it solely, because she needed a place to stay.

She wants to love me, but not have to. She wants to explore other options and date other people. She says shes 19 and she wants to see what's out there. She never got to go out and date, or talk to other guys, cause her older sister kept her locked in her room to study. I told her we can always be friends, but I can't be her best friend, or we can't ever be the same. She says she feels guilty cause she flirts a lot, and she says she doesn’t deserve me. That I deserve better, and she doesn't understand how I can be with someone like her.

I talked to my friend who said, "honestly I've seen the way she talks and is around you. She is in love with you. I think she just has cold feet. I mean put it this way, you guys are getting somewhat serious, and she's worried that it may be moving too fast for her."

Now she says she'll move out, give me the months rent, and wants to still be best friends. But how I can be best friends with someone who is just going to look for another boyfriend, and sleep with them? I can only be a friend, and a casual one at that. What happened man? Everything was going so well, we had this discussion a week ago, and she said never mind, I want to stay with you.

I really care and like this girl. And I wouldn't mind getting in a serious relationship a few months down the line. But now the thought of her being with someone else is just something I can't picture.

EDIT:

I do want her happiness. So if she can't be happy with me, then that's just how it works, ya know? I'm leaning towards she's afraid of commitment, and the fact she is flirting with other guys means she is moving on.

But that's just her personality. A lot of guys says she flirts around too much, and at times even rubs other guys with girlfriends wrong.

Honestly, I didn't read the whole thing, but it's completely irrelevant cause I read the first paragraph and it was enough to tell me what I needed to know.

What you do is one of two things:

1) If you want to be with her romantically, not as friends. Then you need to cut all contact with her, 100%. No hanging out, no returning her calls immediately (you can return them, but don't spend hours talking, make it quick in a "I want to make sure you're ok, but I'm busy and can't talk.") no giving her rides, or doing any "friend" things whatsoever.

2) If you do not care whatsoever about being with her, and legitimately care about her only as a friend. Then cast aside any thoughts of being more than friends, and in that case, there's not even any need for her to move out. But know if you go this route, and keep her in your life, a friend is all you will ever be.

It's a difficult thing to do, but it has been proven time and time again, the only way out of the friend zone is by force. Cut her out of your life and make her miss you, and when she cries and whines and says "why can't we be friends", you're only response is "I have enough friends."

Good luck.

[Celtics4ever]

Your toast when you get the try other things that means your not taking care of business, sorry, Dude.

[JSD]

Sorry to hear about your situation OP, that's a tough one. I would advise you to be persistent. Go all out courting if you really think she's worth it. But after a little while give her the option of being with you or giving you time to heal and move on. Nothing in between.

[PaulPierce34G]

Your toast when you get the try other things that means your not taking care of business, sorry, Dude.

I don't necessarily think that's a diss to him or that he isn't getting the job done, sexually or emotionally.  She is 19.  How much life could she have realistically experienced to be able to compare/contrast him?  Most people always wonder what else is out there, especially at a young age, whether they are in the right situation or not.  Maybe it hit her that things were kind of at an extremely serious level, and she didn't want that.  Maybe some other guy started talking to her and it peaked her interest, because young people are only into what's good for right now, not necessarily thinking long term on many things.  There could be a million outside factors that we don't know about, only going on what the OP is telling us. 

I just think it's a case of a guy wanting a serious, serious commitment from a girl and she isn't at that point in her life yet.  I went through the same thing when I was 24 and was dating a 20 year old.  I was out of college, I wanted to kind of be a bit more serious about life, and the girl I was seeing was only a sophomore or junior in college, not even 21 yet, but still immersed in the party/drinking/club scene and that's all she cared about.  She basically broke it off with me so she could have her social life and she couldn't fit me into it.  I think that's sort of what's going on here, just based on the information that's been presented to us.  A girl isn't ready to fully settle into something serious, but the guy wants to.  2 people on 2 different pages.  Won't ever work as long as that's the case.

[JSD]

Your toast when you get the try other things that means your not taking care of business, sorry, Dude.

Honestly, I wouldn't be able to handle the flirty nature of the girl OP describes. That combined with "I want to see what's out there" is definitely concerning.

[PaulPierce34G]

Sorry to hear about your situation OP, that's a tough one. I would advise you to be persistent. Go all out courting if you really think she's worth it. But after a little while give her the option of being with you or giving you time to heal and move on. Nothing in between.

I respectfully disagree.  I think going all out is a bad move and could only end up hurting him if she continually rejects his advances.  By the fact she is up and leaving immediately from the place they shared, she is severing ties cold turkey.  Plus if he is going all out to get her, she may think he is being a "creeper".  Just let nature take its course.  He can't be looking desperate and pitiful.  From my experiences, whenever a break up occurred, the girl didn't like when I was going all out, sent her a gift package, flowers or a letter or text messages.  They told me to leave them alone.  I know it hurts but it's just how it is in many cases.