I don't get it man.. what happened? (Ex girlfriend story)

[Monkhouse]

These are the same pieces of information I gave my little brother in a similar situation at a similar age. Worked like a charm for him, it will work for you.

If you ever want her back step one is to cut her out. Don't talk to her, don't text her, don't email her. Don't hangout with her. Don't talk about her, not like in a melodramatic 'don't mention her name around me' kind of thing, but if she comes up in conversation and you have to put something in, just say you really hope shes happy and that's about all you think about it.

Step 2 is to be extremely social otherwise. Go out, see your friends, act like you're in a really, really good place. Don't make up a girlfriend in Canada or anything, but just act like everything is okay and you'd like next in beerpong, and that's about all you have to say about it.

If this is one of those 'friends first, then more, now less' things, and there is any hope for redemption on the romantic front, she'll recognize that her life is worse off without you.

But if there isn't hope for redemption romantically, my plan is also the fastest way towards your own recovery from the relationship. Two birds, one plan.

The problem is you guys aren't getting is..

We work together, and we live together for the moment.

Should I still be friendly and cordial with her for now?

My rule of thumbs when broken up are

1) Go out with your homies/friends. Get drunk, do whatever, but have fun and be very social.

2) I usually cut off contact. If she initiates contact, I'll say something casual, but not overly friendly to where its a conversation. Its usually yeah everything's good. And leave it at that, or cut it short saying I gotta go.

3) And then I pretty much focus harder on working out, and I'll probably pick up a double shift to feel a little better when I'm tired.

EDIT:

I gotta say yet again, I'm very happy a lot of people are reading my problems and responding.

I always been a guest member, and never made an account when I could've in 2009-2010. But I regret I didn't. You guys are making it feel a lot better for this pill to swallow. I do appreciate your guys comments and reading. It really means a lot, and this already feels like a family to me.

[guava_wrench]

There are plenty of other people in the world for her to be friends with. Don't do that to yourself. She is try to do the proverbial 'have your cake and eat it too'. Don't enable her. You shouldn't have to suffer through that and she has no right to try to dictate the terms of your relationship.

No matter how mature some is at 21 or 19, relationships sticking at that age are unlikely. Too much change happens in your early 20s in modern society. She probably just got our of high school and hasn't had a chance yet to live her own life. I wouldn't expect commitments from someone like that.

I also can't help wondering about someone who flirts to that degree. As much as I sympathize with people who have such a high need for approval, committing to a relationship with such a person seems a risky sacrifice.

There are probably many wonderful things about her but you should just cut her loose at this point. Accept the lesson learned about having someone move in after just half a year. In most cases, do that for a friend, not for someone you are dating.

[guava_wrench]

Should I still be friendly and cordial with her for now?

I have always remained friends when I have broken up with people, but you have to do what you can handle.

As far as I am concerned, you should always remain cordial at work. She is still a person. There will always be people who cause bad feelings in us but we need to learn to handle those feelings. Accepting it is over would help. Professionalism at work is not optional.

You also need to make it clear that she needs to find another place. I would expect that the nicer you are to her, the less likely it is that she moves out. That doesn't mean you should be a jerk, but I don't think there is anything wrong with not wanting to talk to her about anything personal.

Does she understand that she needs to find another place to live?

[indeedproceed]

These are the same pieces of information I gave my little brother in a similar situation at a similar age. Worked like a charm for him, it will work for you.

If you ever want her back step one is to cut her out. Don't talk to her, don't text her, don't email her. Don't hangout with her. Don't talk about her, not like in a melodramatic 'don't mention her name around me' kind of thing, but if she comes up in conversation and you have to put something in, just say you really hope shes happy and that's about all you think about it.

Step 2 is to be extremely social otherwise. Go out, see your friends, act like you're in a really, really good place. Don't make up a girlfriend in Canada or anything, but just act like everything is okay and you'd like next in beerpong, and that's about all you have to say about it.

If this is one of those 'friends first, then more, now less' things, and there is any hope for redemption on the romantic front, she'll recognize that her life is worse off without you.

But if there isn't hope for redemption romantically, my plan is also the fastest way towards your own recovery from the relationship. Two birds, one plan.

The problem is you guys aren't getting is..

We work together, and we live together for the moment.

Should I still be friendly and cordial with her for now?

No I get it. You're gonna have a lot of awkward pauses and crap under my plan. What you're doing really isn't any different than a guy who breaks up with a suitemate, or someone who lives on the same floor of their dorm.

But my plan is a good one. Young people like yourself and your lady suffer from market saturation. There are so many options, and if you wanted to try to make it work, you've gotta create some value for yourself. Being unavailable, and uninterested in the 'lets stay friends' dance, and doing it in a manner that doesn't burn the bridges between you is a good way to do that.

[PhoSita]

Becoming and staying friends with somebody with whom you have mutual attraction (especially if the attraction is both physical and emotional) is a big challenge.  It's asking a lot of yourself and of her to be able to manage that at your age / stage of life, especially since neither of you are in a committed relationship with anybody else.

In my personal experience, probably the most difficult thing about being in my late teens / early 20s was being able to say specifically, honestly, and truthfully what I wanted.  Knowing what you really want requires you to be in touch with your feelings and able to articulate them to yourself and probably to others.  That's really not very simple, or easy.

It sounds to me like your friend doesn't know what she wants, and it sounds like you're not entirely sure, either, which is why you're on here asking for advice.

I'm a big believer that in this life we are not blessed with very many opportunities to meet people with whom we share a deep, meaningful connection.  It sounds like there is at least the potential of that for you with this person.  I agree with others that the simplest and most effective solution may be to put distance between you and her, at least for a while.  However, I'd caution you not to completely cut ties, if it's possible, if you feel like this is that rare sort of person.  You could truly regret it later. 

First and foremost is to do what you need to do for yourself to be happy.  You won't be able to approach situations like this, or personal relationships in general, with a clear and level mind until you are secure and happy with yourself.  It sounds like putting some distance between you and her, at least temporarily, is necessary for that to happen.

[wdleehi]

These are the same pieces of information I gave my little brother in a similar situation at a similar age. Worked like a charm for him, it will work for you.

If you ever want her back step one is to cut her out. Don't talk to her, don't text her, don't email her. Don't hangout with her. Don't talk about her, not like in a melodramatic 'don't mention her name around me' kind of thing, but if she comes up in conversation and you have to put something in, just say you really hope shes happy and that's about all you think about it.

Step 2 is to be extremely social otherwise. Go out, see your friends, act like you're in a really, really good place. Don't make up a girlfriend in Canada or anything, but just act like everything is okay and you'd like next in beerpong, and that's about all you have to say about it.

If this is one of those 'friends first, then more, now less' things, and there is any hope for redemption on the romantic front, she'll recognize that her life is worse off without you.

But if there isn't hope for redemption romantically, my plan is also the fastest way towards your own recovery from the relationship. Two birds, one plan.

The problem is you guys aren't getting is..

We work together, and we live together for the moment.

Should I still be friendly and cordial with her for now?

No I get it. You're gonna have a lot of awkward pauses and crap under my plan. What you're doing really isn't any different than a guy who breaks up with a suitemate, or someone who lives on the same floor of their dorm.

But my plan is a good one. Young people like yourself and your lady suffer from market saturation. There are so many options, and if you wanted to try to make it work, you've gotta create some value for yourself. Being unavailable, and uninterested in the 'lets stay friends' dance, and doing it in a manner that doesn't burn the bridges between you is a good way to do that.

I agree.  Very well thought out.

[clover]

These are the same pieces of information I gave my little brother in a similar situation at a similar age. Worked like a charm for him, it will work for you.

If you ever want her back step one is to cut her out. Don't talk to her, don't text her, don't email her. Don't hangout with her. Don't talk about her, not like in a melodramatic 'don't mention her name around me' kind of thing, but if she comes up in conversation and you have to put something in, just say you really hope shes happy and that's about all you think about it.

Step 2 is to be extremely social otherwise. Go out, see your friends, act like you're in a really, really good place. Don't make up a girlfriend in Canada or anything, but just act like everything is okay and you'd like next in beerpong, and that's about all you have to say about it.

If this is one of those 'friends first, then more, now less' things, and there is any hope for redemption on the romantic front, she'll recognize that her life is worse off without you.

But if there isn't hope for redemption romantically, my plan is also the fastest way towards your own recovery from the relationship. Two birds, one plan.

The problem is you guys aren't getting is..

We work together, and we live together for the moment.

Should I still be friendly and cordial with her for now?

My rule of thumbs when broken up are

1) Go out with your homies/friends. Get drunk, do whatever, but have fun and be very social.

2) I usually cut off contact. If she initiates contact, I'll say something casual, but not overly friendly to where its a conversation. Its usually yeah everything's good. And leave it at that, or cut it short saying I gotta go.

3) And then I pretty much focus harder on working out, and I'll probably pick up a double shift to feel a little better when I'm tired.

EDIT:

I gotta say yet again, I'm very happy a lot of people are reading my problems and responding.

I always been a guest member, and never made an account when I could've in 2009-2010. But I regret I didn't. You guys are making it feel a lot better for this pill to swallow. I do appreciate your guys comments and reading. It really means a lot, and this already feels like a family to me.

Great general advice, IP.

Yeah, he's got to be cordial and cool until she moves out, and IMO doesn't need to specify whether he'll still be friends with her afterwards.

But a 19yo who either rightly or wrongly perceives she's so few people in her life who cares about her isn't emotionally mature and balanced.  Tripling up on girlfriend/roommate/coworker in that situation is a likely disaster, so getting her to move out is a good first step.  The good news: she's got a job, so should be able to make do with another roommate situation.

Once she's out, IP's advice, coupled with be cordial and professional at work is the way to go.  Chances are that you're not as mature as you think you are at 21 if this is the situation you want to be in a serious relationship with.  But a little more distance and time could show whether the two of you want to grow up together in a less overloaded environment.

[Monkhouse]

These are the same pieces of information I gave my little brother in a similar situation at a similar age. Worked like a charm for him, it will work for you.

If you ever want her back step one is to cut her out. Don't talk to her, don't text her, don't email her. Don't hangout with her. Don't talk about her, not like in a melodramatic 'don't mention her name around me' kind of thing, but if she comes up in conversation and you have to put something in, just say you really hope shes happy and that's about all you think about it.

Step 2 is to be extremely social otherwise. Go out, see your friends, act like you're in a really, really good place. Don't make up a girlfriend in Canada or anything, but just act like everything is okay and you'd like next in beerpong, and that's about all you have to say about it.

If this is one of those 'friends first, then more, now less' things, and there is any hope for redemption on the romantic front, she'll recognize that her life is worse off without you.

But if there isn't hope for redemption romantically, my plan is also the fastest way towards your own recovery from the relationship. Two birds, one plan.

The problem is you guys aren't getting is..

We work together, and we live together for the moment.

Should I still be friendly and cordial with her for now?

My rule of thumbs when broken up are

1) Go out with your homies/friends. Get drunk, do whatever, but have fun and be very social.

2) I usually cut off contact. If she initiates contact, I'll say something casual, but not overly friendly to where its a conversation. Its usually yeah everything's good. And leave it at that, or cut it short saying I gotta go.

3) And then I pretty much focus harder on working out, and I'll probably pick up a double shift to feel a little better when I'm tired.

EDIT:

I gotta say yet again, I'm very happy a lot of people are reading my problems and responding.

I always been a guest member, and never made an account when I could've in 2009-2010. But I regret I didn't. You guys are making it feel a lot better for this pill to swallow. I do appreciate your guys comments and reading. It really means a lot, and this already feels like a family to me.

Great general advice, IP.

Yeah, he's got to be cordial and cool until she moves out, and IMO doesn't need to specify whether he'll still be friends with her afterwards.

But a 19yo who either rightly or wrongly perceives she's so few people in her life who cares about her isn't emotionally mature and balanced.  Tripling up on girlfriend/roommate/coworker in that situation is a likely disaster, so getting her to move out is a good first step.  The good news: she's got a job, so should be able to make do with another roommate situation.

Once she's out, IP's advice, coupled with be cordial and professional at work is the way to go.  Chances are that you're not as mature as you think you are at 21 if this is the situation you want to be in a serious relationship with.  But a little more distance and time could show whether the two of you want to grow up together in a less overloaded environment.

Yeah I know what you mean. But I am mature, I've dealt with this situation.

It just led to my mother going back to Korea, because she was suffering from an illness, and staying there cause she's lonely. And my best friend getting killed by a drunk driver two weeks ago.

All of this plus I'm struggling to pay for school and rent is all piling up.

I understand the situation though.

I have no formal ties except anything formal until she moves out. When she does move out, I don't need to be buddy buddy with her work. She's just a friend, or a co-worker/acquaintance. I owe her nothing. If anything I've given her a living space when she needed me in my time of need. And she sort of took advantage of that.

I need to move on, and I need to start caring about me.

I wouldn't want to be with a woman who does that sort of thing, regardless of her age. Flirting with guys, and admitting she had a crush one of the other cook is definitely a red flag for me.

I just needed re-assurance, and something for me to go on by.

[Cman]

First off, sorry to hear that things didn't work out. And, yes, I'm using past tense on purpose, because,
Second, I completely agree with Roy that you need to cut it off, clean break.

It will be a painful few months for you, there is no way around that. But in the long run, it will be best for you and her to move on as cleanly and quickly as possible.

[Chris]

And she sort of took advantage of that.

This is the only line that matters.  Clearly there is resentment there already.  Once that is there, you can't be friends, unless you give it a lot of time to heal.  It will poison the friendship otherwise.

[Monkhouse]

And she sort of took advantage of that.

This is the only line that matters.  Clearly there is resentment there already.  Once that is there, you can't be friends, unless you give it a lot of time to heal.  It will poison the friendship otherwise.

No resentment at all. Trust me, I'm not a person to hold grudges. I wrote it down, because that's exactly what she did. And that's a fact.

Other than that I can be friends, but nothing more. Thinking about it I'm actually glad it happened, because I don't have to waste my time with her anymore.

[angryguy77]

She's 19

Your answer.

[THREE_B]

Here's what ya do...

Go for the sister

[oldmanspeaks]

As an old man who has a bit of experience with women and one who had one of the great loves of the ages I will offer a bit of advice. Never be with a woman unless she both values you and who sees you as you really are. Young women in particular have a tendency to have over expectations of the good guys and overlook the crappiness of the jackasses of the world. Don't get caught in that trap. Focus on being the best guy you can be and eventually the right woman will appreciate you. Chasing after women always, always blows up in your face because the over expectation thing gets in the way.
 

[Monkhouse]

As an old man who has a bit of experience with women and one who had one of the great loves of the ages I will offer a bit of advice. Never be with a woman unless she both values you and who sees you as you really are. Young women in particular have a tendency to have over expectations of the good guys and overlook the crappiness of the jackasses of the world. Don't get caught in that trap. Focus on being the best guy you can be and eventually the right woman will appreciate you. Chasing after women always, always blows up in your face because the over expectation thing gets in the way.

Thank you for your wise words, sir.

TP. And I'll follow them as well as I can.

I've already moved on, but not fully. It'll take some time, and it certainly won't help when she's here still at my house. But once she's gone, I'll be able to really breathe and be happy.