How Do I Handle This Situation?

[Chris]

Tell her you want more or nothing, walk away. Don't talk, text, call, or 'meet up'. Don't try to be friends.

If she can be persuaded to give 'more' a try, that's how it'll happen. If she can't and lets you walk, you get some resolution instead of being messed around while she makes up her mind or finds someone she thinks is better for her.

Exactly.  This is exactly why friends with benefits don't really exist.  Or if they do, they have a very definitive shelf life.  At some point, someone is going to be hurt, and the other person is going to wonder why, because they thought they were just friends with benefits.

When there are feelings involved (which it is pretty clear they are), it means you are at the turning point where it needs to be more or nothing.  Otherwise, you are just going to be putting yourself through more pain.

And the thing is, while it is easily to vilify her, there is a lot of emotional perception going on here.  And I have a feeling it is a lot more the situation being no good than her being a bad person (or vice versa).  She is probably complaining to her friends right now about you too. 

[CeltsAcumen]

First off you probably should not try relationships that really only work in the movies.

Friends with Benefits is just a fancy dancy way of saying you really do not like the person you sleep with, bc if you did, you would be more than just friends who sleep together.

Dump her, move on.

There are at least 3.5 billion women in the world.  I think you will find a replacement fairly easy.

[Chris]

Friends with Benefits is just a fancy dancy way of saying you really do not like the person you sleep with, bc if you did, you would be more than just friends who sleep together.

While I agree with the overall sentiment, I actually think in these instances, more often than not, it is only 1 of the 2 that feel that way.  If both of them thought that way, there wouldn't be drama.

The problem is, in reality, ussually one person is thinking that way, and the other person wants more, and has deluded themselves to think that the other person will come around.

[blink]

Honestly, you aren't going to change another person's behavior.  I suggest to move on.  It is obviously bothering you about the other guys, and honestly who wouldn't be bothered.  She sounds like she enjoys the drama of stringing a lot of guys along at one time.  SOOOO many other people out there.  You don't need crap like this.  Cut the strings.
cheers

How do I handle this situation? We are friends. We also have benefits. We are friends with benefits. But things aren’t as good as they seem. She gets more secretive every day. She lies more every day. We recently got into an argument and now we’re ignoring each other. I don’t know how it all started. I don’t want to lose her. But who wants to play these games?

I guess it all started when I wanted to stay the night. It wasn’t necessarily out of attachment. When it’s late, you live far away, and you’ve had a few drinks in you, sometimes you just want to stay the night. She wouldn’t let me. Fine. Whatever. But then I found out she lets some other guy, who she swears by is just a friend, stay the night in the “guest room.”

Speaking of that guy, she never told me about him until I pressed her. She wasn’t quick enough to think of a lie and she spilled the beans. It’s not even the matter of who gets to stay and who doesn’t. It’s the lying, the secrecy, and the deceit. How ‘bout a little honesty?

Sometimes she blatantly talks to other guys on her phone in front of me. And I think, “I just can’t take part in this.” She’s not a young girl. She’s supposed to be a professional with a career. Other times she will withhold information from me until the last minute. Not terribly big things. But enough to bother you. I haven’t even mentioned how hypocritical she can be. She seems to hold me to a higher standard, puts me down, and then hangs out with schlubs in her down time.

One you get past all that stuff, we can have some fun together. We talk all the time. We seem to have a lot in common in terms of temperament. And we are really comfortable around each other. But sometimes she makes me sick with jealousy.  Other times I think to myself, “Why am I even bothering with this?” If we have fun together, why does she purposely, as it clearly seems to me, try and upset me?

What’s the best way to handle a situation like this?

[Shoot the J]

Friends with benefits sounds like the most amazing relationship there is, and it is, until one of the two involved develops expectations. In this case, it sounds like it's you. And to no fault of your own. From personal experience, they just never work out. You don't want to "persuade" her to do anything. Who wants to be in a relationship that started with you having to convince her.

My advice would be, if you want to keep her as a friend, then stop bumping uglies and just be friends. Although, the manipulation, secrecy and lying aren't really good qualities in a friend either. That's for you to decide. You had your fun. I recommend finding a girl that doesn't disrespect you.

[colincb]

Move on.

[bbd24]

For the "tell her how you feel" folks:

Does it matter that she's blatantly and repeatedly lying, belittling, and manipulating him?

From my perspective, it doesn't matter if she says "Great!  I'd love to be in a relationship with you!"  If she's a manipulative, mean-spirited liar, I wouldn't want her in my life, regardless.  People like that don't change.  They might hide their true colors for awhile, but eventually their bitter soul shines through.

I say quit wasting time with this girl, and commit to finding somebody who treats you better.

Yes, that matters and should matter.  It's all personal though. That's a question he needs to ask himself.  He obviously likes her and has deep feelings for her so really how bad has she been to him ? Is she doing these jealous things because of the current freedom in there relationship ? Would it change if they were committed to eachother ? Does she want more from him so she's trying to make him jealous to take it a step further ?

Who knows.  It's a woman.

In the immortal words of Bell Biv Devoe, " Never trust a big butt and a smile ".

Personally, yes, I'd move on.

[rocknrollforyoursoul]

I agree with the general sentiment of this board that she's not good for you—and probably not for anyone.

You deserve more. You were meant to have a full, honest, committed relationship that lasts a lifetime. Go get it.

[Moranis]

The only thing that really struck me as weird is she wouldn't let you sleep in the guest room.  That just seems cold to me.  The rest of the stuff doesn't really seem like a big deal to me and is probably as much perception as it is reality. 

You clearly need to become a monogamous couple or break up and stop all contact.  You are at that point and you need to move one way or the other. 

[JSD]

If you are going to continue relations with her be sure to wear a rubber. If she's letting other guys sleep over chances are she is trifling. You know it as well as me. That gut feeling NEVER lies.

Anyway, going forward try to detach the emotion you have invested. Hang out with her knowing that when a new opportunity presents itself, you’re out. I say that with the assumption that you are not strong enough to make a clean break and cancel her out of your life right now. If you were I feel like you wouldn’t have posted this and would have done it already. She doesn't sound too cool.

Good luck! Keep us updated and TP for sharing your story. A little real life variety is nice around here.

[bdm860]

The rest of the stuff doesn't really seem like a big deal to me and is probably as much perception as it is reality. 

I'm down with this opinion.  Maybe do you two have a mutual friend you could go to?  Hey is so-so being mean/manipulative/deceitful/secretive around me (or more so than normal)?  Or is it just me?

It could be jealousy on your part.  Maybe she always talked on the phone to other guys in front of you, but now you've developed feelings for her and things you've never noticed or paid attention to before are making you jealous.  Maybe you're expecting her to tell you more personal things then she did before (like who else she's going out with/sleeping with), and it's not her being secretive, but it's you being more intrusive.  If you're just friends, I feel she's really under no obligation to tell you things (although this is all relative).  Maybe she's being secretive, or maybe you're being more nosy than usual.  Ask an unbiased person who knows you both well which one it is to be sure.  Then go from there.

[17wasEZ]

How do I handle this situation? We are friends. We also have benefits. We are friends with benefits. But things aren’t as good as they seem. She gets more secretive every day. She lies more every day. We recently got into an argument and now we’re ignoring each other. I don’t know how it all started. I don’t want to lose her. But who wants to play these games?

I guess it all started when I wanted to stay the night. It wasn’t necessarily out of attachment. When it’s late, you live far away, and you’ve had a few drinks in you, sometimes you just want to stay the night. She wouldn’t let me. Fine. Whatever. But then I found out she lets some other guy, who she swears by is just a friend, stay the night in the “guest room.”

Speaking of that guy, she never told me about him until I pressed her. She wasn’t quick enough to think of a lie and she spilled the beans. It’s not even the matter of who gets to stay and who doesn’t. It’s the lying, the secrecy, and the deceit. How ‘bout a little honesty?

Sometimes she blatantly talks to other guys on her phone in front of me. And I think, “I just can’t take part in this.” She’s not a young girl. She’s supposed to be a professional with a career. Other times she will withhold information from me until the last minute. Not terribly big things. But enough to bother you. I haven’t even mentioned how hypocritical she can be. She seems to hold me to a higher standard, puts me down, and then hangs out with schlubs in her down time.

One you get past all that stuff, we can have some fun together. We talk all the time. We seem to have a lot in common in terms of temperament. And we are really comfortable around each other. But sometimes she makes me sick with jealousy.  Other times I think to myself, “Why am I even bothering with this?” If we have fun together, why does she purposely, as it clearly seems to me, try and upset me?

What’s the best way to handle a situation like this?

Read up on borderline personality disorder.  I knew someone who went through something similar and reading about this seemed to help him a whole lot.

God bless you my man.......

[greg683x]

I went through a situation with a very manipulative girl years ago and she really took me for a long ride.  The one reason why I always wanted to make it work was because when the dust settled we always got a long great together, could have great conversations, and could always make each other laugh.

Once the whole thing ended and I got over it, I realized a few things.  The thing about people who are masters of manipulation, really excel socially.  I think you'll find that these people get along GREAT with everybody, most are social butterflys.  So really I think that the connection I thought I had with her was made to be much more on my end than it was hers.

The other two things that I realized.  This girl was manipulative, lied, and was an overall awful girlfriend.  I didn't marry her, and I didnt have any kids with her before I found out what an awful person she was.  Thats a win in anybodys book, you learned some life lessons and got away with it scott free.

I'm not saying this girl youre with is as bad or anything like that, but just food for thought.  With so many single women out there in the world, the odds are stacked in your favor of finding a much better companion than trying to make a bad situation work with the current one.

[Reyquila]

If you are in just for the physical stuff; be happy with what she gives you and be prepared to share her. If you want a mores serious relationship, you must conclude at the end of today, by what everybody else before me has already advised you, that what you want is not what she wants. The chemistry you want is not there. The chemicals may be there, but they are not mixing well, so get out of there faster than what it took Lebron to get out of Cleveland. Its not going to work. There are other fish in the ocean, to put it mildly.

[fairweatherfan]

Here's my standard relationship advice:

Pretend your best friend is in the exact same situation as you.  You have all the information about his situation that you do about your own, it's just happening to someone else that you care about.  What advice would you give him?  If it starts with "Run" and ends with "like hell", you should take that advice.  Got me out of a few bad relationships in the past.

Either way just remember that as nice as friends with benefits is in theory, every time you sleep with someone your brains get marinated in hormones that promote feelings of bonding and intimacy.  Over time that's gonna lead to some screwy reactions, especially if there's mixed feelings to begin with.  Whatever the nature of these issues are, they're only gonna get worse over time.