Author Topic: 12 Types of Pickup Ballers  (Read 19182 times)

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12 Types of Pickup Ballers
« on: July 18, 2008, 02:26:24 PM »

Offline Jeff

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fun read

http://www.ploomy.com/2008/07/16/the-12-types-of-pickup-basketball-players-what-type-of-basketball-player-are-you/

Quote
The 12 Types of Pickup Basketball Players: What Type Are You?

If you regularly play pickup basketball, then you can immediately recognize a certain kind of player. Go to any gym or playground across America, and you’ll probably notice most of these types of “ballers” [disclaimer: this term is used very loosely]. While you would want a few of these guys on your squad, most of them spend more time on the sidelines than the actual courts, as they’re typically on the losing squad and are quick to call next. Here are the 12 types of pickup basketball players.

1. Big Dude who Thinks He’s a Guard

You can recognize this baller immediately because he’s usually the tallest person on the court, yet he never bangs for rebounds and has an atrocious perimeter field goal percentage. He’ll lead a 3-on-1 fast break and pull up for a contested 17 footer. Despite repeated attempts to get him in the paint, he shrivels up like he’s taking a swim in the ocean. Next time you pick teams, be wary about choosing the biggest guy. NBA equivalent: Antoine Walker

2. Guy with the Endorsement Contract

He really doesn’t have a deal with a shoe company, yet he’s dipped from headband to toe in all the same gear, usually from Jordan Brand. He runs a little slower since he can’t crease his brand new kicks. Also his gear contains all the latest wicker proof technology, just in case he might break a sweat. He’s the person checking the other games not for people’s skill level, but more so to checkout what other people are rocking. NBA equivalent: Quentin Richardson

3. The Man

This cat hasn’t left the court in about 6 games since his team always wins, and still doesn’t get tired. He possesses a textbook jumpshot, finds the open man, and is efficient on defense as well as offense. And during these games, his actions look effortless. The best player on the opposing team tries to check him since he doesn’t possess the typical baller look, but he gets defeated along with the rest of his challengers. NBA equivalent: Steve Nash

4. The Fake Baller

This guy looks the part. Has a sinewy and strong body, has a basketball-themed tattoo, either rocks corn-rows or has a shaved head, wears a jersey from an old league he has participated in, and just appears to be a player. But in reality he sucks. He takes most of the shots on the offensive-end and slacks off on D. He possesses poor footwork and is a digital clock - aka no hands. NBA equivalent: Kwame Brown

5. The OG

You know this person because he is there everyday, as he’s a true gym rat. Those kicks he’s wearing aren’t the retro models, they’re just the original shoes. Just like older guys on the golf course always hit straight drives, the old cat is money from 20 feet in. Because he may have lost a step or 3 due to age, he’ll compromise this by playing a little dirtier, so watch them elbows, pulls and grabs. No one really calls off-the-ball fouls during pickup, so you might wish that someone else is guarding you rather than him. NBA equivalent: Robert Horry

6. The And-1 Guy

Probably the most despised in the group, this person watched one too many mixtapes. His basketball aspirations ended prematurely because he couldn’t make the simple pass or make an opposite hand layup, but he could do a 360 crossover between the legs at half-court. Besides either traveling or carrying during every other possession, he usually tries shots with a degree of difficulty of 15 on a 10 scale, and acts surprised when he misses it. In between his trash-talking, he yells “And one!” after every shot attempt. NBA equivalent: Smush Parker

7. The Player/Coach

This person plays with the mentality that every guy is his last. He wears knee braces on both knees and would wear a whistle around his neck if it didn’t get in the way. You might be cutting, yet he’ll yell “Cut!” He is also the first person to call out the screens for you, and remind you every possession if you fail do to so. He’s out calling plays, yet no one really listens to him. He’s scrappy on the defensive end and heady on the offensive side, and he looks for the pass more so than the shot. Yet despite his good intentions and knowledge of the game, he’s more of a liability on the court. NBA equivalent: Jacques Vaughn

8. The Football Player

This baller treats the hardwood as his personal gridiron. He probably just finished lifting weights, so he has even more adrenaline before the game even starts. He dives after every loose ball and fights for every rebound, so you want him on your team. He’s probably moving on all the screens he sets, just to feel that contact. He might even wear a mouthpiece for an added touch. NBA equivalent: Matt Harpring

9. The Perspirer

This guy looks like he just took laps around the pool with his clothes on. And worse yet, you’re guarding him with he’s playing on skins. He might have back hair or bacne or both, and naturally he always wants to play the post. You feel like you might catch some new disease from him after too much contact. He doesn’t use deodorant, as his body odor can enhance his interior game. NBA Equivalent: Andres Nocioni

10. The Hustler

He appears like he’s hustling because he’s huffing and puffing, not because of playing good defense but rather he’s out of shape. Since he is the 6th option on a 5-on-5, he doesn’t worry about getting offensive touches, and tries to contribute elsewhere on the court. If his physical attributes matched his passion for the game, then he would be formidable. He actually keeps his own stats easily because his line is filled with goose eggs. He is the Hustler because he’s hustling a more worthy player of playing time. NBA equivalent: Eric Snow

11. The Cherry-Picker

After a missed shot, usually by him, he casually tries to play D but ends up on the offensive end because the other squad already scored. He’s yelling for the ball since he has a breakaway and gets upset when he doesn’t receive the rock. He rarely ventures within 15 feet of the basket during a half-court set, is indifferent to D, and does not make an impact on the outcome of the game whatsoever. NBA Equivalent: JJ Redick [if he’s still in the NBA].

12. The Chick

There’s bound to be at least one chick during a run. She probably played Varsity for her high school but still maintains that competitive spirit. She’s a little more fundamentally sound than her counterparts, so she’ll generally make the right basketball decision. And she’s kinda cute in a weird sort of way. For some reason if you end guarding her, you almost want her to post you up, just be careful not to pitch a tent. WNBA equivalent: Sue Bird


I'm Antoine Walker
Faith and Sports - an essay by Jeff Clark

"Know what I pray for? The strength to change what I can, the inability to accept what I can't, and the incapacity to tell the difference." - Calvin (Bill Watterson)

Re: 12 Types of Pickup Ballers
« Reply #1 on: July 18, 2008, 02:36:03 PM »

Offline Morris Blue

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cheers. that was a great read.  that is, until i realized my NBA equivalent was eric snow. 

Re: 12 Types of Pickup Ballers
« Reply #2 on: July 18, 2008, 02:56:10 PM »

Offline Brendan

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I'm a combo of 8 and 9. The little big is the anti Antoine Walker, NBA equivalent - Powe. (update in bold.)
« Last Edit: July 18, 2008, 03:12:12 PM by Brendan »

Re: 12 Types of Pickup Ballers
« Reply #3 on: July 18, 2008, 03:09:09 PM »

Offline Montrossity

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Im a Hustler, but I actually play hard and can put up numbers.  I just dont have a lick of skill.

Re: 12 Types of Pickup Ballers
« Reply #4 on: July 18, 2008, 03:12:55 PM »

Offline zerophase

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there was actually an hilarious youtube video on exactly that but i can't seem to find it right now.

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Re: 12 Types of Pickup Ballers
« Reply #5 on: July 18, 2008, 03:24:51 PM »

Offline Bring Back Antoine

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Haha, Kwame Brown as the fake baller is perfect.

Re: 12 Types of Pickup Ballers
« Reply #6 on: July 18, 2008, 03:50:05 PM »

Offline incoherent

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I've played with the 'big man / point guard' type and it's frustrating as hell watching him shoot three's and take the ball up the court and not passing it unless it's a football type pass ally oop attempt to someone much much smaller.

Re: 12 Types of Pickup Ballers
« Reply #7 on: July 18, 2008, 04:03:53 PM »

Offline Celtic

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there was actually an hilarious youtube video on exactly that but i can't seem to find it right now.

I actually posted this video on here a few months ago, I could never find it on youtube, but this is the link, I bet this is the one you are thinking of.

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/39222/

Re: 12 Types of Pickup Ballers
« Reply #8 on: July 18, 2008, 04:08:31 PM »

Offline Steve Weinman

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I've played with the 'big man / point guard' type and it's frustrating as hell watching him shoot three's and take the ball up the court and not passing it unless it's a football type pass ally oop attempt to someone much much smaller.

Amen.  This is high on my list of all-time pick-up pet peeves.  Well said.

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Re: 12 Types of Pickup Ballers
« Reply #9 on: July 18, 2008, 04:16:27 PM »

Offline celts55

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I had #7 the player/coach on my old man's basketball league team this year. Here a bunch of guys 40 and over just wanting to get some run and this jerk is spending the better parts of the games telling everyone what they are doing wrong. I mean thank goodness he was there to point out to me that when I turned the ball over on a bad pass, it wasn't a good thing. After playing for 40 years or so, I never would have figured that out. He actually got me so mad on game that I just called for a sub, got dressed and left. For what it's worth, he called me a quitter and couldn't figure out why I would be leaving. Hell, I'm 52, if I'm not having fun playing, I'm not playing.

Re: 12 Types of Pickup Ballers
« Reply #10 on: July 18, 2008, 04:22:25 PM »

Offline Redz

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I broke #12's nose when I tried to make a pass to a cutter through her head.  I just didn't see her.  Boy did I feel like a turd.
Yup

Re: 12 Types of Pickup Ballers
« Reply #11 on: July 18, 2008, 04:30:09 PM »

Offline incoherent

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I broke #12's nose when I tried to make a pass to a cutter through her head.  I just didn't see her.  Boy did I feel like a turd.

Reminds me, not basketball related,...  but playing a fairly laid back indoor soccor game I kicked the ball directly into a females face after tell her she should move since I was going to kick it up field from defense. 

She didn't move or attempt to take the ball from me so I stepped back about 5 feet and wound up for an extremely powerful kick where the ball travelled 10 or 12 feet directly into her face.

She clutched her mouth with both hands and ran to the locker room crying.

Re: 12 Types of Pickup Ballers
« Reply #12 on: July 18, 2008, 04:35:02 PM »

Offline zerophase

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there was actually an hilarious youtube video on exactly that but i can't seem to find it right now.

I actually posted this video on here a few months ago, I could never find it on youtube, but this is the link, I bet this is the one you are thinking of.

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/39222/

thats exactly it! wow, sweet; i've been looking for that. TP!

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Re: 12 Types of Pickup Ballers
« Reply #13 on: July 18, 2008, 04:39:56 PM »

Offline NUMBA 17

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this is a nice list....the "And 1 Guy" has got to be the most annoying....usually this guy is turning the ball over left and right with his behind-the-back, thru-the-legs blind passes....LOL.....   

The Player/Coach can get on your nerves as well .......usually when he is getting on my nerves, I hit him with a "ok, coach" after he gives me his instructions.....LOL
"Dont give up...dont ever give up..."   J. Valvano

Re: 12 Types of Pickup Ballers
« Reply #14 on: July 18, 2008, 04:45:06 PM »

Offline cordobes

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Haha, good stuff. But I don't recognize myself in any of these categories.

I'd say I'm maybe Eddie Curry. I only run the floor for the first 8 possessions (during that short period of time, I'm a combo of The Player/Coach and The Hustler with skills). After that, I only play in the post (Freud explains: when playing structured basketball, I was forced to play in the backcourt because of my 6'2'' height, but my vocation was always the post - I grew up salivating over McHale/Hakeem/Sabonis moves). I stand at the top of the key with the hands on my knees, I hit a screen from time to time, otherwise I move to the low post and ask frenetically for pass: if I don't receive it I walk back, if I do all the other ballers have the chance of feasting their eyes with my refined up'and'unders, drop-steps, duck unders, upfakes, stepbacks, etc etc. I never pass (for the good of the team). Unfortunately, as I don't like to travel, I can only execute most of them very slowly and my shot gets blocked a lot unless we're playing novices. I'm a very good post defender, except when the other guy runs a lot and takes jump-shots. He usually does. So, just leave a message if you want me in your team :D