Online Dating

[Snakehead]

The whole online thing is just weird. Profiles are weird. Pictures are weird. The people are weird. It's sort of like in basketball, I guess, when the defense is leaving you open, it doesn't necessarily mean you should shoot. These women are available for a reason. I'm sure there's something wrong with 50% of them. Imagine meeting someone in person, and the first thing they started doing was bragging about how they have been to Mexico, Spain, Portugal, Somalia, and Australia. And then said "I work as a bank teller and I just love my job!"

It's so weird...

...how old are you?

I also think someone may be projecting about their own feelings about their jobs.  Maybe some people like being a bank teller?  And why would that bother you?  And what's wrong with travel?

Pretty jaded post.  I'm pretty picky with women and all but I don't blame any of them for being themselves or doing and saying what they feel.

[Evantime34]

Honestly the first thing you need to do is decide what it is you want. It sounds like you are looking for a hot girl to hook up with and maybe date. You seem to have a lot of confidence which can't properly come across online. To me it sounds like you should be trying to pick up girls at a bar where you can better use your confidence?.

On the note of it being hard to get responses online a 5-10 percent response rating is standard. To be fair the average guy probably is successful at about this rate in person so it's representative in real life. Also I've found that Boston bars skew towards women in that guys end up getting with girls slightly less attractive than themselves (where a city like DC is the opposite in that you are more likely to find an interested party more attractive than yourself).

For online dating I've found the best way to start a conversation is by mentioning a common interest and talking about that. Unlike in person I find that telling a girl she is attractive almost never works online. Good luck man it's hard out there.

[LarBrd33]

Evantime34 is right.  The type of girls who typically gravitate towards online dating are ones who are sick of the bar/club scene and the typical "god's gift to women" dee-bags that approach them in those den's of debauchery.  The appeal of online dating is that you can look for people who share common interests, goals, beliefs as opposed to just going into a standard meat market.

That's not to say that there aren't plenty of loose trollops out there waiting for you to slick back your hair, puff out your chest, and drunkenly grind up behind them while the latest Miley banger blares in the background.  Those strumpets are out there too and certain guys can have a ton of success with them with just the right mix of attractiveness and confidence.

I'm too ugly to rely on pure confidence.  Troll-faced imps like myself require personality to nab the ladies.  Online dating is right in our wheelhouse.

[CelticG1]

The whole online thing is just weird. Profiles are weird. Pictures are weird. The people are weird. It's sort of like in basketball, I guess, when the defense is leaving you open, it doesn't necessarily mean you should shoot. These women are available for a reason. I'm sure there's something wrong with 50% of them. Imagine meeting someone in person, and the first thing they started doing was bragging about how they have been to Mexico, Spain, Portugal, Somalia, and Australia. And then said "I work as a bank teller and I just love my job!"

It's so weird...

...how old are you?

I also think someone may be projecting about their own feelings about their jobs.  Maybe some people like being a bank teller?  And why would that bother you?  And what's wrong with travel?

Pretty jaded post.  I'm pretty picky with women and all but I don't blame any of them for being themselves or doing and saying what they feel.

It may be a little jaded but also spot on.

[Snakehead]

The whole online thing is just weird. Profiles are weird. Pictures are weird. The people are weird. It's sort of like in basketball, I guess, when the defense is leaving you open, it doesn't necessarily mean you should shoot. These women are available for a reason. I'm sure there's something wrong with 50% of them. Imagine meeting someone in person, and the first thing they started doing was bragging about how they have been to Mexico, Spain, Portugal, Somalia, and Australia. And then said "I work as a bank teller and I just love my job!"

It's so weird...

...how old are you?

I also think someone may be projecting about their own feelings about their jobs.  Maybe some people like being a bank teller?  And why would that bother you?  And what's wrong with travel?

Pretty jaded post.  I'm pretty picky with women and all but I don't blame any of them for being themselves or doing and saying what they feel.

It may be a little jaded but also spot on.

Uh what?

What is spot on?  Telling people they can't like their job because you don't think it's a good job?  Telling people they can't travel?

[Moranis]

KungPoweChicken, I want to warn you, what I'm about to write might come off pretty rough.  I have no problem with you though, all this is just my opinion solely from what you've written in this thread.  Hopefully you take this as constructive criticism.  With that being said...


So many red flags are here, I don't know where to start.

I'm a catch.

Yeah, I do message the most attractive women, but that's only because I know what my equal is and I'm not going to settle for less.

While my list height is about 5'9. I'm really only 5'7. It's just harder for me to land the tallies.

Maybe part of the problem is you think too highly of yourself.  You think you're a catch, but yet you have to lie in your profile?  Part of what you think makes you a catch is that you have a car and a job?  What kind of low class, trashy girls are you after that this would impress them?

If you're really the catch you think you are, it's ALWAYS a buyers market for you.  Chances are you're not really that much of a catch if nobody is buying what you're selling.

Let's just back it up for a second.  This is just what I've observed from you based only on this thread:

1.  You think highly of yourself
2.  You think you're better than others/too good for others
3.  You lie
4.  You're superficial
5.  You hang out on Celticsblog.  (Ok that last one is a joke lol).

You think this is the kind of person people want?  I've met a ton of people who fit think like this, and they're never the catch they think they are.  You probably know girls like that too, you've already alluded to some already, girls who are "6's", they probably think they're "9's".  That list above are turn offs to most people, but that's how you're coming off (at least here).

People with a job, car, hair, and nice body are a dime a dozen.  Literally millions of people can claim this.  That's not a catch.  Is that what you mention in your profile and messages to women?  That's not going to impress too many people.  Again if anything, mentioning these things is a turn off to a lot of people.  A woman can go anywhere and get a guy like that, and if you mention these things you'd come off like a superficial, shallow person.

And how come when you mentioned all your good qualities, you didn't mention anything like sense of humor, personality, down to earth, fun to be around, etc.  These are the qualities people really want.

Seriously, ask yourself this, if you think it's a buyers market for woman, if you think they're getting 10-100 messages a day from different guys, what's going to make you stand out?  What do you bring to the table that some other dude can't?  If a girl gets 20 messages, then at least 10 are going to be from guys with a good looks/car/job/body.  Again, that doesn't really make you a catch, what else do you got?

Online dating is a seller's market for women.

Again, it's ALWAYS a buyers market if you're really a catch.

Feeling brave and want some more advice?  Link your OKC or POF profile.  I bet plenty of us could give you some honest feedback on it.

this is what I thought when I read this thread yesterday, I just didn't want to take the effort to post it, but this really does seem spot on to me.

[Interceptor]

Again, it's ALWAYS a buyers market if you're really a catch.

I was making a point about men vs. women, not a "catch"; that's the OP's word. Women get crushed on in terms of messages for the most part, in comparison with men. The ground is well-tread there, OKtrends wrote about it before IIRC the soul was sucked out of them by their corporate overlords.

[Evantime34]

Evantime34 is right.  The type of girls who typically gravitate towards online dating are ones who are sick of the bar/club scene and the typical "god's gift to women" dee-bags that approach them in those den's of debauchery.  The appeal of online dating is that you can look for people who share common interests, goals, beliefs as opposed to just going into a standard meat market.

That's not to say that there aren't plenty of loose trollops out there waiting for you to slick back your hair, puff out your chest, and drunkenly grind up behind them while the latest Miley banger blares in the background.  Those strumpets are out there too and certain guys can have a ton of success with them with just the right mix of attractiveness and confidence.

I'm too ugly to rely on pure confidence.  Troll-faced imps like myself require personality to nab the ladies.  Online dating is right in our wheelhouse.

This is hilarious, all the tps ever.

[Eja117]

So after breaking up with my girl friend, I'm taking a shot at online dating. It has been one of the most frustrating experiences of my life. I'm a good looking guy: nice smile, have all my hair, in great shape, etc. I've even got a new car and a college education. I'm a catch.

So where does that leave me in the online dating world? With nothing. My response rate is probably 5%. Yeah, I do message the most attractive women, but that's only because I know what my equal is and I'm not going to settle for less.

I've on Match, POF, and OKC. I try to mix it up. I send out different kinds of messages. I've tried to find common interests in profiles, use a random subject header to stand out, focus on something specific, just introduce myself, write three or four paragraphs like a poet, etc, etc. Just about nothing works. No women respond. And when they do, it's usually mindless and boring. Sometimes it will lead to texting and then sometimes they just vanish out of no where.

Nearly all the profiles of women are the same (so coming up with something "interesting" to say is infinitely more difficult than it should be.) If you've never tried online dating, let me summarize them for you.

1) All women are world travelers. They just love to travel! If you're not a traveler, you are a chauvinistic, conservative, philistine who isn't cultured.

2) All women are vegetarians or vegans even though they eat poultry and fish.

3) All women just love their job! Even if it's just as a cashier at CVS or working as some other menial drone.

4) All women of course love to go out or stay in. Obviously.

5) All women love their friends and family and would do anything for them.

And that's it, folks.

It's not unusual to find solely photos of women dolled up for the ball who snapped pictures at the perfect angle complimented by the perfect lighting. These make them look infinitely more attractive than they are in real life. But whatever I guess.

Another thing is it's almost always the same people on these sites over and over again. Like, do they even want a relationship? Are they just using it for casual sex? Or do they use it as an ego boost and just sort through the 30 plus emails they get a day from the desperate, randy men who populate the internet?

Whatever it is, it is clearly depressing. For example, as I said before, I am a pretty attractive guy. And yet, women who are 6's (slightly overweight, etc) are being treated like royalty.

The whole online thing is just weird. Profiles are weird. Pictures are weird. The people are weird. It's sort of like in basketball, I guess, when the defense is leaving you open, it doesn't necessarily mean you should shoot. These women are available for a reason. I'm sure there's something wrong with 50% of them. Imagine meeting someone in person, and the first thing they started doing was bragging about how they have been to Mexico, Spain, Portugal, Somalia, and Australia. And then said "I work as a bank teller and I just love my job!"

It's so weird...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BSfgnSiT49U

This whole thing....it sorta reminds me of how Jerry never wanted to date women that weren't perfect.

It is so so so easy to meet the perfect woman depending on various circumstances.  Nobody should ever need to go more than a few months single should they not want to.

[KGs Knee]

This thread has been a good read.  I've chuckled a bit at a few posts, but also don't really have much to add.

Online dating is foreign to me.  I've always done well clubbing women over the head and dragging them back to my cave.

[Kane3387]

I'm a short, unattractive, trollface with bad skin.  Over a 6 year period I went out on dates with easily over 100 different girls via online dating sites like Match and OkCupid.  I didn't bother with POF... every single girl on there had a kid.

That's not to say I slept with all of them or anything.  Most didn't go past the first date for one reason or another.  Some of them I ended up in relationships with (spanning weeks/months). 

Getting them to meet in person was pretty easy, actually.  I just took a casual approach to it.  I don't want to pretend like I'm some master of online dating, but here's some random thoughts/tips.

#1 - The fact that I live in Bellevue, WA worked in my favor.  If you live in Boston, it's probably different because all the men there are super aggressive and women are probably use to getting blatantly hit on hourly.  Not sure if that limits the online dating pool.  In Bellevue/Seattle there are craploads of women on dating sites.  There's still tons of competition, but there's a limitless pool of women to choose from.  Guys who live in less densely populated rural areas aren't going to have the same success. 

#2 - Less is probably more.  I learned long ago that nothing good comes from long drawn-out text/e-mail conversations.  As much as you think you know someone from your conversation... you don't.  I can learn more about a girl in a 10 minute in-person conversation than I can from a 3-week online courtship.

#3 - I always took a casual approach to it.  Ultimately you're still working against the stigma of online dating.  The less you make it feel weird, the less she will feel weird about it.  I had the benefit of living in downtown Bellevue.  It's a pretty fancy here.  I live walking distance from some nice restaurants, a movie theater, 21+ arcade, bowling alley, etc.   So there were literally nights where I'd see some girl on OkCupid lived in Bellevue, I'd message her about something random on her profile that interested me (favorite movie, band, vacation, etc)... and within like 10 minutes of chatting I'd just cut to the chase.  "It's 9:00pm... I'm starving.  I'm going to grab happy hour (food).  You should come."...  It usually would throw them off a little.  But my point was... why does that need to be weird?  I'm hungry.  You're hungry.  No need to get all dolled up.  We're chatting anyways.  It's way easier to get to know someone in person.  We'll meet in a very public area just in case you're actually a 45 year old bald man who wants to rape me (I always threw the stigma back on them).  I'm going to eat anyways so you might as well join me. Worst-case scenario you'll get some free dinner out of me...  Anyways, it worked.  It worked really often.  Granted, a lot of the time I'd meet them and realize I couldn't stand them in person, but at least I didn't spend weeks wasting my time.

#4 - You have to approach it with a sense of humor.  If it's not clear, every conversation I had with any girl was laced with tons of humor.  That's the best way to break down defenses.   The first time I went to OkCupid was because a female friend of mine recommended it to me.  She said she had been meeting tons of guys via the site and found them all to be socially inept, awkward and weird.  She commented, "a relatively normal guy like you would tear up on that site".  So I gave it a shot... and found that the vast majority of the girls I met were socially inept, awkward and weird.  Anyways, simply being a good-looking entitled "catch" probably isn't going to work.  Women typically aren't stimulated by visuals.  Try to muster some personality, make them laugh, make the feel at ease and invite them to hang out (somewhere safe) casually.  Then go from there.

#5 - As others will say, it's a numbers game.  Don't be thrown by some girls refusing to respond to you.  It happens.  I don't think the long essays work.  Make sure your profile represents you well.  Then, just send them a brief comment about their profile to try to strike up a conversation.  Some will ignore you... some will be intrigued.  I'd have more success just saying something like, "Saw you listed "the Shins" under favorite bands.  Did you happen to catch "Broken Bells" last week at Deck the Hall Ball?  It was pretty awesome." ... At that point they'll just skim your profile and decide if you are worthy of a response.  You're always fighting the "creepy internet guy" stigma.  It's hard to pull off the paragraph-long opening message without coming across slightly creepy.

Warning: A buddy of mine probably had 3 times the amount of "success" I had.  He developed some kind of condition.  He found that it was so easy to meet girls via online dating that he became unreasonably picky. Like RIDICULOUSLY picky.  Every single girl he met, he'd find some kind of issue with them.  I'd meet some of these girls... adorable girls with great personalities... my buddy would stop dating them because he didn't like the way they laughed or something.  It was insane. 

Personally, I got a bit bored with the process.  I kept meeting the same cute/dumb girls that ended up annoying me.  At one point I got the brilliant idea, "I should make a female friend... just someone with common interests that I can hang out and go see movies with."  I did a proximity search and coincidentally found some nerdy asian girl who lived across the street for me.  Similar nerdy interests... we were both movie fanatics, she collects comic books and action figures, seemed super intelligent, etc.  We decided to hang out one night and now we've been living together for the past 3 years.  I don't know what the heck happened.  I'll probably marry her at some point.

Lol this was awesome man. Not at a point where I'm interested in doing online dating but if I ever was I'd definitely use these pointers. Tp

[Eja117]

just try this everywhere you go

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tLPZmPaHme0

[barefacedmonk]

[BigAlTheFuture]

Awesome thread. And congrats to Larbrd33, pretty romantic story dude.

As for online dating, never done it. I usually have my lady friends hook me up with their friends. Or hook up with my lady friends. Pretty good success rate

[guava_wrench]

I am married to someone I met through online dating. I was almost 40.

I have had a lot of good experiences with online dating.

Evantime34 is right.  The type of girls who typically gravitate towards online dating are ones who are sick of the bar/club scene and the typical "god's gift to women" dee-bags that approach them in those den's of debauchery.  The appeal of online dating is that you can look for people who share common interests, goals, beliefs as opposed to just going into a standard meat market.

I agree with this completely. Living in the Boston area, there are also tons of accomplished women using online dating. Lot's of good catches.