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At a standstill with my ex-wife regarding our son's mobile phone.

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JSD:
My past relationship with my ex-wife has been tumultuous at best. After leaving her, she became the epitome of a scorned ex-wife. Despite the challenges, departing from the relationship was the best decision I ever made for my personal well-being. However, it has made my relationship with my son more complicated, as she has used him as a tool to hurt me.

After enduring a tumultuous period of intense turmoil, including parental alienation and various absurdities, such as a frivolous emergency order that was swiftly dismissed by the court, my ex-partner has now expressed a desire for peace. Although I am confident that I could ultimately prevail in court given the textbook nature of the alienation, I am uncertain whether the cost and stress involved would be worthwhile. One of the key sticking points is my ex's refusal to allow me access to my son's phone. I firmly believe that not having such access not only poses a safety risk, but also undermines my role as a father.

Am I overreacting to this situation? Should I opt for serenity and let go of the phone situation, or do I have a valid reason to feel as perturbed as I currently do?

Edit - my son is 11 years old

Neurotic Guy:
It's difficult to know what to say not knowing the individuals involved.  Some initial thoughts for what they're worth knowing that everyone is different and all circumstances are in their own way unique:

From what you wrote it's completely understandable that you'd have strong feelings.  This is about concern for the most important person in the world to you so it's no surprise you'd have a visceral response to not having the type of access you believe will help keep him safe.
 In most circumstances, children are better off when separated parents can find a way to cooperate and collaborate in parenting their children, so I think  an important goal should be to do your best to avoid placing your child in the mix of the adult conflict. When safety is involved it’s a different story.  My kids are too old for me to fully understand the danger of not having access to their phones. You have to assess your conflicting values: his safety, interest in assuring your son that both you and your ex have his best interest in mind, and respect for his privacy/personal life (which depends on many factors including age).

I’d suggest avoiding a court situation that may be contentious. The things you'll have to do and say (and the things she will do and say) will make it harder to keep things from spilling over into your time with your child and probably make things even worse when she is with him, as it sounds like she doesn't avoid putting your son in the middle of things.

JSD:
I would like to clarify quick that I am able to contact him at any time, but my concern lies with my inability to access his phone. In the event that I feel the need to ensure his safety or prevent him from posting anything inappropriate, I am unable to do so.

Roy H.:

--- Quote from: JSD on April 07, 2023, 07:19:34 PM ---I would like to clarify quick that I am able to contact him at any time, but my concern lies with my inability to access his phone. In the event that I feel the need to ensure his safety or prevent him from posting anything inappropriate, I am unable to do so.

--- End quote ---

Access it when he’s with you, or remotely?

In general, what I’ve seen is that the custodial parent makes the rules about the phone when the child is with them, and the non-custodial parent makes the rules when the child is with them.

Neurotic Guy:

--- Quote from: JSD on April 07, 2023, 07:19:34 PM ---I would like to clarify quick that I am able to contact him at any time, but my concern lies with my inability to access his phone. In the event that I feel the need to ensure his safety or prevent him from posting anything inappropriate, I am unable to do so.

--- End quote ---

I’m glad I got that wrong - glad you have contact with him whenever you want.

And I agree with Roy’s comment.

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