I don't get it man.. what happened? (Ex girlfriend story)

[Monkhouse]

I've been dating my girlfriend for 6 and half months. We're almost on 7. She's 19, and I'm 21. We’re co-workers, and don’t work the same shifts. We got very close, and she said before, "you're the only person in my life except for my older sister that cares about me." Now the thing is, her mother kicked her out, so I told her, "just stay with me then." I know moving in was a mistake, but I did it solely, because she needed a place to stay.

She wants to love me, but not have to. She wants to explore other options and date other people. She says shes 19 and she wants to see what's out there. She never got to go out and date, or talk to other guys, cause her older sister kept her locked in her room to study. I told her we can always be friends, but I can't be her best friend, or we can't ever be the same. She says she feels guilty cause she flirts a lot, and she says she doesn’t deserve me. That I deserve better, and she doesn't understand how I can be with someone like her.

I talked to my friend who said, "honestly I've seen the way she talks and is around you. She is in love with you. I think she just has cold feet. I mean put it this way, you guys are getting somewhat serious, and she's worried that it may be moving too fast for her."

Now she says she'll move out, give me the months rent, and wants to still be best friends. But how I can be best friends with someone who is just going to look for another boyfriend, and sleep with them? I can only be a friend, and a casual one at that. What happened man? Everything was going so well, we had this discussion a week ago, and she said never mind, I want to stay with you.

I really care and like this girl. And I wouldn't mind getting in a serious relationship a few months down the line. But now the thought of her being with someone else is just something I can't picture.

EDIT:

I do want her happiness. So if she can't be happy with me, then that's just how it works, ya know? I'm leaning towards she's afraid of commitment, and the fact she is flirting with other guys means she is moving on.

But that's just her personality. A lot of guys says she flirts around too much, and at times even rubs other guys with girlfriends wrong. 

[LooseCannon]

What happened is...she's a 19-year-old girl.  Good luck finding one who is serious and mature and who knows what she wants.

[Monkhouse]

What happened is...she's a 19-year-old girl.  Good luck finding one who is serious and mature and who knows what she wants.

I see. I mean I'm a reasonable, and mature guy. Should I still maintain a friendship with her? I never becomes friends with ex's, because they are ex's, and usually I don't like them that much as friends.

I mean I still don't understand what made her change her mind again. We resolved this, went out and had dinner. Went back home, and had fun later that night. She said all these things, and then changes her mind. This is why its hard for me to date girls casually, or seriously. Like I knew already what I wanted, a low key relationship. But once she moved in, I think that was a huge catalyst.

EDIT:
Would also like to apologize to guys reading. This is just your prototypical sob story. I'm just a little depressed, because I really wanted this relationship to grow. And I'm just venting, but to those reading and commenting, thanks.

[Rondo2287]

That does suck man, I'm sure alot of people here have been through something similar.  I agree with you that you definitely cannot try to be this girls best friend, it will hurt you way to much and prevent you from moving on as well. 

If I were you, and I know its not easy, I would give it a week or so and make sure she is serious about exploring other options and then do so yourself.  If things are meant to be your wind up back together, but don't hold out hope for that in the back of your mind because it will inevitably sabotage an other future relationships.

Just try to do your thing and let her do hers.  Her staying in a relationship that she isnt 100% into would be harder on you over the long run than this.  I can promise you that.

[Monkhouse]

That does suck man, I'm sure alot of people here have been through something similar.  I agree with you that you definitely cannot try to be this girls best friend, it will hurt you way to much and prevent you from moving on as well. 

If I were you, and I know its not easy, I would give it a week or so and make sure she is serious about exploring other options and then do so yourself.  If things are meant to be your wind up back together, but don't hold out hope for that in the back of your mind because it will inevitably sabotage an other future relationships.

Just try to do your thing and let her do hers.  Her staying in a relationship that she isnt 100% into would be harder on you over the long run than this.  I can promise you that.

Well the problem is she is living with me.

She still has to find a place to move out. So in the span of us broken up, it'll be hard for me to find my space, and be friends.

[Rondo2287]

That does suck man, I'm sure alot of people here have been through something similar.  I agree with you that you definitely cannot try to be this girls best friend, it will hurt you way to much and prevent you from moving on as well. 

If I were you, and I know its not easy, I would give it a week or so and make sure she is serious about exploring other options and then do so yourself.  If things are meant to be your wind up back together, but don't hold out hope for that in the back of your mind because it will inevitably sabotage an other future relationships.

Just try to do your thing and let her do hers.  Her staying in a relationship that she isnt 100% into would be harder on you over the long run than this.  I can promise you that.

Well the problem is she is living with me.

She still has to find a place to move out. So in the span of us broken up, it'll be hard for me to find my space, and be friends.

Right right, your stuck until she leaves, thats for sure. 

[PaulPierce34G]

What happened is...she's a 19-year-old girl.  Good luck finding one who is serious and mature and who knows what she wants.

This...

It's very difficult to find a girl who wants to have a serious committed relationship at 19 years old.  They are far and few in between.  Most 19 year old women want to live life, go out, party, have fun and all of that other stuff.  I know it sucks, man, as I've been there myself some years back.  You want a girl to basically settle in with you 110% like she is your be all and end all..  If it's meant to be with her, she will come back.  Don't chase her and start texting her like crazy, trying to figure out what happened, or what you can do to fix it...It'll just make you look bad to her.  Just go on, live your life and do what's best for you.  My mom used to tell me when I would be upset over a girl leaving me, "She's still going out and living her life, not worried about you in that capacity...You need to do the same." 

As for maintaining a relationship, if you think you really can, without expecting anything more than friends to come from it, then do it...If not, then just let her fade away.

Put it like this, it's a good thing that this stuff happened 6 months into the relationship than, say, 6 years...that would be much, much harder.  You'll be ok, man.  Just give yourself some time, live your life and when you are ready, you will put yourself back out there. 

[Roy H.]

The answer, which you probably don't want to hear, is cut it loose with her.  Give it a clean break.

Here's why:  you care about her.  That means that you will want to be a friend to her, and will keep some loyalty toward her.  She'll be out sleeping with other guys, and you're going to be the one asked to pick up the pieces.

That's psychological torture for you.  You're going to have a girl most likely date a string of dirt bags, none of whom compare to you, and my guess is that you're either going to be holding out hope that she comes back to you, or that she'll string you along because it meets her emotional needs.

So, you have to ask yourself if you're willing to go through all of that, or whether you're better off trying to find a woman who is more emotionally stable and who has fewer issues. 

I think you should ask her to leave ASAP.  There are a lot of red flags here.

[PaulPierce34G]

The answer, which you probably don't want to hear, is cut it loose with her.  Give it a clean break.

Here's why:  you care about her.  That means that you will want to be a friend to her, and will keep some loyalty toward her.  She'll be out sleeping with other guys, and you're going to be the one asked to pick up the pieces.

That's psychological torture for you.  You're going to have a girl most likely date a string of dirt bags, none of whom compare to you, and my guess is that you're either going to be holding out hope that she comes back to you, or that she'll string you along because it meets her emotional needs.

So, you have to ask yourself if you're willing to go through all of that, or whether you're better off trying to find a woman who is more emotionally stable and who has fewer issues. 

I think you should ask her to leave ASAP.  There are a lot of red flags here.

Good post, Roy.

Psychological torture is the worst.  You'll find it will affect you in so many other areas of life...Work, friendships, school, whatever.  I think you should break away.  It is possible to remain friends, but honestly, it is difficult.  As I said, if you can put up with the fact that she will  no longer be a part of your life in that capacity and understand that she will be going out on dates, messing around with other guys, and you 2 will be strictly friends then, hey, more power to you.  If not, cut your ties completely from her.  Honestly, if it means deleting her number from your phone, deleting her off of Facebook/Twitter, then do it.  You need to worry about yourself.

[Evantime34]

That does suck man, I'm sure alot of people here have been through something similar.  I agree with you that you definitely cannot try to be this girls best friend, it will hurt you way to much and prevent you from moving on as well. 

If I were you, and I know its not easy, I would give it a week or so and make sure she is serious about exploring other options and then do so yourself.  If things are meant to be your wind up back together, but don't hold out hope for that in the back of your mind because it will inevitably sabotage an other future relationships.

Just try to do your thing and let her do hers.  Her staying in a relationship that she isnt 100% into would be harder on you over the long run than this.  I can promise you that.

Well the problem is she is living with me.

She still has to find a place to move out. So in the span of us broken up, it'll be hard for me to find my space, and be friends.

That is probably going to be awkward. She says she wants to date other guys, but maybe she would change her mind if you started to date/hook up with another girl.

That is certainly tough, I completely agree that being her best friend isn't an option. Her moving out might not be a terrible thing though, it would probably be easier for you guys to be together if you had your space instead of living together.

Edit: Roy is right, as always.

[Monkhouse]

The answer, which you probably don't want to hear, is cut it loose with her.  Give it a clean break.

Here's why:  you care about her.  That means that you will want to be a friend to her, and will keep some loyalty toward her.  She'll be out sleeping with other guys, and you're going to be the one asked to pick up the pieces.

That's psychological torture for you.  You're going to have a girl most likely date a string of dirt bags, none of whom compare to you, and my guess is that you're either going to be holding out hope that she comes back to you, or that she'll string you along because it meets her emotional needs.

So, you have to ask yourself if you're willing to go through all of that, or whether you're better off trying to find a woman who is more emotionally stable and who has fewer issues. 

I think you should ask her to leave ASAP.  There are a lot of red flags here.

I've dealt with this. I realized I'm no longer going to be the second string, or the second option. I told her I want to leave as soon as possible.

I told her right now I need her out as soon as possible.

She said she honestly can't be in a relationship with me right now, and still wants to be friends.

I don't mind being friends, but I'm not the type to ever get attached.

I thank you guys so much for reading my sob story. Now I feel a little more better after venting out my problems. Thank you Celtics blog for making me feel so welcome.

You guys are the best!

[indeedproceed]

These are the same pieces of information I gave my little brother in a similar situation at a similar age. Worked like a charm for him, it will work for you.

If you ever want her back step one is to cut her out. Don't talk to her, don't text her, don't email her. Don't hangout with her. Don't talk about her, not like in a melodramatic 'don't mention her name around me' kind of thing, but if she comes up in conversation and you have to put something in, just say you really hope shes happy and that's about all you think about it.

Step 2 is to be extremely social otherwise. Go out, see your friends, act like you're in a really, really good place. Don't make up a girlfriend in Canada or anything, but just act like everything is okay and you'd like next in beerpong, and that's about all you have to say about it.

If this is one of those 'friends first, then more, now less' things, and there is any hope for redemption on the romantic front, she'll recognize that her life is worse off without you.

But if there isn't hope for redemption romantically, my plan is also the fastest way towards your own recovery from the relationship. Two birds, one plan.

[Chris]

What happened is...she's a 19-year-old girl.  Good luck finding one who is serious and mature and who knows what she wants.

That is definitely the short answer.

...although, it also is more complicated. 

The dynamics of these relationships are so complicated, and it is really hard to know what is really going on.

The important thing to realize is that she does not want to be with you right now, for whatever the reason.  Emotions are strange things.  They can change, and they can evolve.  And the worst part is...you can't control them, and neither can she.  She probably WANTS to feel a certain way about you.  But it doesn't work like that.

If she does not want to be with you romantically, you need to accept that.  Maybe it could change, but you definitely can't count on that.  It is not a rational thing. 

Now, you could stick around and just be friends, purely to keep her in your life.  That is called masochism.  It works for some people.  But it won't ever make you happy.  It also won't make her come back to you.  In fact, if you decide to be the "good guy", and basically bend over backwards to make keep making her happy, at the expense of your own happiness, it will actually make her less attracted to you, not bring her back.

[manl_lui]

sorry to hear that man, but you handled it the right and mature way. It is true to be best friends with your ex, and unless you guys get back together in the future, I can guarantee you being best friends with your ex almost 99.99% will not work. Especially if you end up getting another girlfriend in the future, then it gets all kinds of messy. Only time will tell, and I would just give her space. But at the same time, don't forget that you have options as well. I mean, both you are young. You have so much ahead of you, that I wouldn't put too much into this relationship. She's 19, and maybe still a little immature.

Wish you the best man!

[Chris]

These are the same pieces of information I gave my little brother in a similar situation at a similar age. Worked like a charm for him, it will work for you.

If you ever want her back step one is to cut her out. Don't talk to her, don't text her, don't email her. Don't hangout with her. Don't talk about her, not like in a melodramatic 'don't mention her name around me' kind of thing, but if she comes up in conversation and you have to put something in, just say you really hope shes happy and that's about all you think about it.

Step 2 is to be extremely social otherwise. Go out, see your friends, act like you're in a really, really good place. Don't make up a girlfriend in Canada or anything, but just act like everything is okay and you'd like next in beerpong, and that's about all you have to say about it.

If this is one of those 'friends first, then more, now less' things, and there is any hope for redemption on the romantic front, she'll recognize that her life is worse off without you.

But if there isn't hope for redemption romantically, my plan is also the fastest way towards your own recovery from the relationship. Two birds, one plan.

This.  This advice should be posted in every highschool lockeroom.  It should be handed out to college freshmen when as part of their orientation.  And then it should be reinforced every 2 or 3 years of your adult, single life.